Tuesday, December 25, 2007

No matter how hard I try, just when I think I am moving on something happens that I just get pulled back in the maze. I keep doing things which remind me of him. It can be a TV program, something on the internet, seeing two people together. I don't wanna wallow in the pain and sadness but I still keep getting reminded of him. And the universe keeps sending me mixed signals. Yesterday I had to retrieve an old text from my older phone and I found the texts he had sent me and I just couldn't stop reading them. Then I had sent him a text wishing him for Christmas but it didn't go through. Then I saw a program on TV with a similar storyline and I just couldn't stop thinking about him.

But I think's it's okay. I don't think I'm supposed to feel perfectly okay so early I guess. It's okay to yearn, it's okay to feel the pain, it's okay to get reminded of him in every little thing, it's okay to feel a little sad when you see a couple. I guess it's just part of the process. I think I need to stop blaming the universe or him or even myself. I just need to let the healing process take it's time.

I need to stop thinking about mixed signals or any signals and I need to stop the What Ifs' and the maybe's and the why not's. I need to live with the fact that it's never gonna happen. Period. Nada. Chances of it happening = Zilch. Even as I type this, there is still a tiny little part in me which says that it can be and it would feel so right. If it had to happen, it already would've. I need to stop torturing myself and move on with my life. Stop living in the past and hoping for a miracle. I need to stop doing this to myself. I need to start living for me again. I need to stop trying to be miserable and wallowing in misery. I need to be me again. I need to ask God to help me find the strength inside me to get through this once and for all.

I will be whole again. I will be funny again. I will be in love gain. I will face heartbreak again and again. But it's better to be miserable in love than just be plain miserable. I haven't felt this in a long time. Last time it happened it helped me grow. I guess something good just might come out of it this time too. Trying to be an optimist here.

I have been closed emotionally for the past few years and haven't really been true to myself. This incident has helped me to open up emotionally. I have kept my feelings bottled up for the past 14-15 years. This is the first time I've ever written down anything. It feels good to be true to at least somewhere. To the world I may appear to be happy and having it all together, but I know the pain and torture I go through inside. It's like living undercover. There is no one out there who knows the real me. I guess each of my friends know me as a different person. Only this blog knows my truth. It doesn't offer much advice or counsel but it feels good to get all this out. It really seems so strange. In this era of communication, we are the least communicative.

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