Friday, August 29, 2008

Career Day at Whippersnapperville

So I heard some lady on CNN talk about glass ceilings and being what you want to be and so I thought it would be great to have a career, once again, even if it is for a week or two. Don't wanna try too hard, too soon, y'know.

I thought I'd be a politician but then I realized that it involves being nice and telling ugly people that "Beauty is skin deep" and doing other crappy things like kissing babies and shaking hands. That's really not any fun. Plus if you're in the system, it's pretty hard to criticize it and blame it for your unwillingness to do something about all the shit floating around in the world.

I wondered if I could be an activist working to change society and uplifting the poor and the downtrodden. Then I realized that it would mean that I would need to go to places which don't have air conditioning or bottled water or an espresso bar. Without these things, it's really impossible for me to exist. And I'm allergic to fresh air anyway. Also people who look like they haven't had to eat in ages freak me out.

So I thought that maybe I can try to be a lawyer. While I was reading article 1 of the constitution, I realized that why try to change things which already have a system? Poor people vote rich people into office. That's democracy. Poor people come into office and rob other poor people. That's socialism. And when poor people come into office and become rich by killing all the rich people, that's a revolution.

Then thought I'd become an actor. However, there's not enough money in the world to make me pretend to be a straight guy again. Unless it's straight guy who does other straight guys on the side. Then I'm up for it. Alas, to my utter disappointment, I found out that in the reel world, fat people don't have sex. So that ended all my silver screen dreams.

So on a bright, sunny day, I thought I'd take up a gig as a motivational speaker. Then, when I was getting ready to write my first speech, it dawned on me that telling unsuccessful people that there is still hope in their life and giving them a reason to live is really not my cup of decaf mocha. I mean with one stupid speech, I can't change their destiny, right? There is a reason lethal prescription drugs are sold at most pharmacies. I'm not suggesting anything, just pointing out some facts. Don't shoot the messenger.

Then I thought I'd become a psychologist. Why the fuck not, eh? But something made me realize that if I hear one more person bitch about how fucked up their life is I will go ahead and beat them with their own arm after I tear it out from it's socket. And then shave them bald and write "this mind is clusterfucked" on their big, bald head. Finally, just when they think it's over, I'll make them watch John McCain speeches in an endless loop. Nothing can be a more fitting punishment for such people.

Afterwards, when I was flipping through CNBC, I thought that I can try to be a successful Investment Banker. However, good sense prevailed over me. It's not that I won't enjoy wiping out the life savings of unsuspecting shareholders right when they need it. I just don't see myself spending the rest of my life copy/pasting things into a Microsoft Excel speadsheet. And all this talk of bulls and bears puts me to sleep. It also turns me off for some reason. Maybe because it's so unsexy.

So I came to the conclusion that I should stick to my current career path. It's the only thing I'm good at. And the only thing I want to do, really.
Being fat man passed out on bar stool.

Sounds like a perfect profession for me.

*hic*

21 comments:

Crazy Sam said...

Insert "OMG! YOU ARE SO WICKEDLY FUNNY!" in all my comments. I'm seriously finding it difficult to express my admiration for you in different ways without sounding repetitive.

"If I hear one more person bitch about how fucked up their life is I will go ahead and beat them with their own arm after I tear it out from it's socket."

Are you hinting me that I should censor my thoughts when I chat to you?
*sam looks worried*

Neha said...

hahaha...gosh, need i say it again? I can Sooooo relate to u!! My current profession is "Fat girl sleeping till 12"

Fun to be unuseful, ain't it? :P

A rebel all the way... said...

amazing, as usual :D

Kris Bass said...

Ramby, I read this post when you posted it first. But mysteriously it disappeared!

You are insanely funny!

(*your secret admirer*)

D said...

"Unless it's straight guy who does other straight guys on the side."

You'r so so funny! I think I've found a profession that's just apt for you: a stand up comediene. I want to say this again: you're so funny!

chandni said...

LOL!!

what was it u said about activists??

duue, do I from any angle look like I don't get enough to eat?? And u k now about my fancy travel and five star existance.

Tch tch.

pepe M. said...

oh my! oh my! you are a real treat!

Neha said...

PS: Did I just write "unuseful" in the previous comment??! Hahaha...

Useless, i'm totally useless :p

I Me Myself said...

too hard, too soon? i think the very idea of scanning the career list has been such a flop show for people like us, since the very fight of science or commerce began in class 11th!!
so dude, why waste energy? let's hog on.... :-)

The Line of Beauty said...

you are wickedly funny!!

but I'd have loved to see some of the pink professions up on the list.
May be you can write a new post.

aomething Like, Why you can't be a designer/ hair dresser/ PR-Media guy, or worse why you can't be a filmmaker like Karan Johar

closetalk said...

pity u don't get paid to be a full-time gay blogger, na? :)

Firebolt said...

*hic*

I love you (platonically) just the way you are, Ramb!

Cheers! ^_^

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

Sammy: Thank you .... It's never repetitive :P ...
Oh, that was mostly a note to self. Not meant for anyone, specially not you sammy. You don't need to censor anything. I can take whatever you say. I am an adult now. Well, at least legally.

neha: Just till 12? It's wayyyy fun to be unuseful, my little george bush.

rebel: glad you like it ... :D ...

krissy: thank you ... and I didn't mean to publish the first draft. i pressed the damn enter key by mistake. :P ...

d: Thank you, D. Thank you. Thanks again for the HUGE ego boost. :) ...

chandni: I didn't mean activists don't have anything to eat. I meant people who activists help don't have anything to eat. D-u-h :P ...

pepe: You too sweety :P ...

neha: Unuseful is good ... We love useless at this blog ... So you're in good company ....

i me myself: Oh I won't waste any energy. And I think I've found my calling :P ....

lob: thanks .... I didn't know all those professions were "pink"!! Good idea though, I'll try sometime.

ct: But I'm not so good at it .. but I'd love to be paid for it ... :) ...

firebolt: aww.. I love you (platonically) too ... :P ... thanks ...

I Me Myself said...

found your calling?? umm.. lemme kno..

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

er... the calling mentioned at the end of the post .... fat man passed out on bar stool ...

I wasn't kidding when I said that :P :P ...

Prash said...

I would love to see a revolution in India !!! Like what happened to the western world in after 1968 in Europe and USA. Well, only in my dreams !!!

unsungpsalm said...

"A masochistic robin hood" points out to be that you've named me "Unstable Psalm"!

What's with that, WhippySnappy?

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

Errr.. You needed him to point it out??

Maybe we should rechristen you as The Slow on the Uptake Psalm .....

unsungpsalm said...

Yes, that's what they all call me in the real world :(

But what is it supposed to imply?! (The former, not the latter)

Deidre said...

Hi, I'm new here.

I totally wanted to be a vet until I realised, that even though I'd work primarily with animals - people are still around.

I wanted to a Lawyer cuz Ally Mcbeal had a rockin' office with talented hot people - but then Robert Downey Jr. left the show and so did my lawyer dreams.

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

usp: well, it mostly implies that you are a tad bit unstable ..... but in a fun way ....

deidre: Oh, I totally wanted to be a lawyer too after watching ALly McBeal and The Practice. That went away when the shows got canceled. And it came back with Boston Legal .. :P