Friday, August 8, 2008

Baby's first hate mail

Sometimes, just when you feel a little down the dumps, something happens which warms the cockles of your heart. The universe lets you know that it is watching over you.

So I thought I'd check my mail a little. Then, I saw a couple of mails which really made my day. It was such a pleasant surprise. My first anonymous hate-mail. Then another. Then another.

Usually I receive hate mail from people I know/have crossed paths with. But for the first time, unknown senders have taken it upon themselves to cheer me up.

Yes, for the those uninitiated in the ways of the whippersnapper, I love it when I receive hate mail. It just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. No, I'm actually not being sarcastic.

So some wonderful souls out there, have asked me a series of questions. Some are personal and some are spiritual. Some are just statements which I've interpreted as questions. I know what you're thinking, that I clearly have too much time. Well, yes, you're right. However, my first few hate-mail senders deserve an honorable mention. After all, they bought me such joy & happiness. So let's answer some questions.

Personal

Q: You said you don't work. You claim to be mooching of your parents. Don't you have any self respect?

A: Self respect is hypothetical. It was made up by some poor schmuck in the early 20th century England because he couldn't afford a room in the Ritz. So, to convince himself, he invented the words "Self Respect". Legend has it, that he kept muttering "I've got self respect, I've got self respect" over and over again to keep himself warm. Alas, that didn't help and after a few hours, he died of cold & hunger. So self respect doesn't even get you a warm cup of coffee or even a torn blanket. Also, modern usage includes a middle-aged woman who leaves her philandering husband after she catches him screwing his secretary. She continuously tells her spinster sister "At least I've got my self respect.". What she really wants is some action. This demonstrates that there is really not much practical use for "self respect", except maybe to provide motivation for a few vague characters in a Daniele Steel novel.

So to answer your question, no, I don't have any self respect. I have air conditioning.


Q: When you say that people hate you, you're right. I hate you more than anything else in the world. I hope you DIE.

A: Awwwww ... You really mean that? Thank you. It's really touching when someone says something so sweet.


Spiritual

Q: How will you reach out to God to atone for your sins?

A: Usually, I just send him a muffin or something through facebook. That does the trick.

Q: When did you sell your soul to the devil?

A: When I was five. But then he couldn't enforce the agreement when I grew up because according to Satanic Laws, contracts signed by minors without the presence of parents and/or guardians are null & void and are not valid in a court of satanic law. You see, I was a sharp cookie even back then.


Q: Your lifestyle has already reserved a seat for you in hell. Repent. Change you ways now and the lord may forgive you. Accept ***** ****** as your lord and savior. If you continue in your ways, you will roast in hell for eternity. For ETERNITY.

A: Meh. I'm pretty much set in my ways. I don't think I can change them. Plus since hell will be filled with a lot of us, I'm guessing I'll be getting lots and lots of action there. So thanks. It's the math, really. Though it's sweet of you to ask. Hopefully, you can find some other chump who will let you ruin his life. There's one born every minute. By the way, I've said it before and I'll say it again, people like you shouldn't be reading Gay blogs. You might CATCH it. *gasp* *gasp*. Now stop tickling my funny bone and get back into the asylum, you hilarious little thing.

20 comments:

DewdropDream said...

haha!!! Anyone ever tell you you're AWESOME???!!!

You are.

And I;m still wondering about that last comment of yours... what can I bribe you with to make you talk??!!

Kris Bass said...

Awesome! Hilarious. Fuckingly so too. Can we read those hate mails?

The Line of Beauty said...

Seriously!!
Incredibly funny this is, but I still can't get over that people have so much time and energy to care about other people's souls.
Why can't they mind their own business...

And like you I just love when someone crosses me, I feel so good to let the bitchy side of me come out. :)

Swats said...

I loveddddd ur ‘self-respect’ explanation so I am not liable for any copyright infringement/violation :-)

Is this really the way u react to negative comments and the barrage of criticism that comes ur way?
R u really not being sarcastic? Do the derogatory emails really bring u joy n happiness?? R u serious here? And y do ppl hate u so much??

But this is an amazing way to silence ur detractors! Really!

and dear, I don't think u feel like reverting to my questionnaire? u have all the time to reply to those who hate u but not for a new blogger frend who only wishes to know the real u :-)

Neha said...

Hehehehe too good mate!! I really wonder what pious prick would go through the trouble of telling u that ur soul is in danger! That is so corny! I don't really get why someone would send u a hate mail...I mean, what the hell for?

Hehe well at least some pathetic escuse for a person got a good reply!! Well done!

Keep writing and kicking ass!

Neha said...

Ummm I just misspelled excuse :p!

Crazy Sam said...

I see myself saying the same over and over again. This is so fuckin' awesome. Can you take me classes on how to write wittily, in return I can give you some action. ;-)

pepe M. said...

huwaaaat? how could some booger hate the adorable whippy! i love the sarcasm/the bitchy tone...darn, im falling for you by the day ;)

flygye12 said...

u know that you don't get any hate mails.

y didnt u write in the beginning that this is what you would reply if you actually received any hate mails ?

v all lve u as always :)

bloggingknight said...

hahaha liked the definition of self respect. hehehe
Now i am wondering, why people hate you so much. You are such lovey one :P

good, you are not missing again.

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

ddd: hehe .. thanks ... you don't hafta bribe me .. but a nice cute london boy will do .. :P ... oh, i guess you missed my reply in the last post so .. you can make me talk at zanny.t@gmail.com ...

kris: thank ya ... no, i deleted them after i did this post ... i'm sure they'll be more ... at least i sure hope so .. :P

lob: these sanctimonious self-important people are actually suffering from mental sickness ... so i wouldn't blame them ... hehe ... if it weren't for them where wud we get our laffs?

swats: well it is copyrighted .. :P ... i never let negative comments affect me ... or when people hate me ... it just acts as fodder for me ...
this was written just like that .. it didn't take time ... ur questionnaire is to be answered after thinking .. which for me takes time .. :P ...

neha: you wouldn't ppl what all he had written .... it really made me lol for a while .... at least we got a post out of it .. :P... plus, i misspell everything .. so don't worry ...

samuel: you know, you just blow my mind sometimes. :P ... When can we start those classes? I'm all about action ...:P ...

pepe: hehe .. you're such a tease... :P ...

Captain Buzzkill aka flygye: in a monotone:Yes. You got me. I have nothing better to do than posts about fake hate mail. Oh, how did you know?end of monotone. You should have been a detective. No shit, sherlock.

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

dk: hehe .. there are a lot of people who do that ... it's fun, u know .. :P ... i'm glad i'm back too ...

unsungpsalm said...

Woohoo! Hurray for Ramby!

I can safely say that my entire investment in your talent paid off quite well!

chandni said...

wow...yours are so much more colourful...

Mine just rant about the "modern" woman and whole culture, tradition Indian thing...how nice. I need someone to make my day as well :)

D said...

Hate mail means you're popular, right? I have no hate mail :(

DewdropDream said...

You've got mail... GOOD mail.

unsungpsalm said...

Umm... you DID cook up those e-mails, right?

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

usp: Thanks .. but i don't think you can afford my talent fee

chandini: .... Those are funny too ... in their own twisted way .. :) ...

d: hate mails just mean one is hated ... not popular ... and you not getting hate mails means your too nice to be hated :P ..

ddd: you too :P ...

usp: Ref to my reply to captain buzzkill. If I have to cook up my OWN hate mails, where is the fun in that??

Piper .. said...

wow! people actually wrote all tht crap to you? I loved the way you answered! Simply loved it :)

H said...

hahahah Feisty much ;D I likes! :D