Saturday, September 27, 2008

The one in which we talk like a drunk activist

There is this huge discussion going on in our country about homosexuality.

And by huge discussion mean a 100 word article on page 26 of the newspaper expressing the views of three people.

One of the things that stem from the discussion proves is that homosexuality actually exists in the country. Wow. That's so hard for me to believe. You mean to say there are fagots running up and down giving each other blow jobs in the land of the mahatma?

Sex without trying to make male babies?

Sex for fun?

Really. I am shocked is what I am.

As buddha once said, "Holy Shit, Batman!!!"

But isn't homosexuality illegal in our country? As it is written in the Indian Penal Code? The one authored by the British who illegally occupied our country for a few centuries?

Wait Penal Code? The law banning anal sex is called the penal code? You got to appreciate British humor. After all, it's the land of the spotted dick.

What? That's a fucking food item.

But didn't we throw out the British some sixty one years ago and wrote a new constitution? We did that but we still retained the "penal" code as dictated by the British?

So let me get this straight. We can burn buses, destroy public property because of some stupid movie no one is gonna watch anyway, but because some dipshit in the 19th century was a motherfucking prude, we can't pound each other like the alpha dog pounds his little bitch?

You mean to tell me that The right to lube isn't one of them fundamental rights?

Wow. Gosh darnit. Ten thousand blistering barnacles.

So the Indian government feels that just because a few million people want something, it doesn't justify giving it to them.

Oh wait, where have I heard this before.

Oh yes, that was the same logic Winston Churchill gave to the house of commons when the British army in India violently crushed peaceful protests asking for independence.

You can't argue with such genius logic. You just need to grin and bear it.

(Note: I can sneak in innuendo into anything. I'm like Joey from Friends. Only uglier, fatter and gayer. Oh, and less Italian. In fact the only Italian connection I have is my love for Spagetti and meat-a-balls. Fuck you, that's a food item too you pervert. Yes, I'm talking to you unsung.)

You're right Scotty. We have come a long way. Just because things change, doesn't mean they cannot remain the same.

Oh yes. And we can all believe our government when they say homosexuality is against the order of nature. They promised to protect our cities from those evil doers and look at the wonderful job they have done. We're safe from terror as long as we don't step out from our home. Also, don't go to such dangerous places as shopping malls and movie theaters. In fact, our government is the recipient of the first annual George W Bush You're doing heckuva job award. Congratulations. There couldn't have been a clear winner.

My point is that if we expect things to change in the concentration camp we call a country, then we must ask ourselves What are we smoking? And even, somehow, due to some hand of God, even if the law is repealed, people's attitude are not going to change.
That is because in our country being open minded is defined by driving a car manufactured in Korea and eating a chicken steak. Most of the people in our country are living the same lives their ancestors lived 50 or 100 years ago. They just have better technology. And by better technology I mean they use a nokia phone.

Anyways the point is that you can never trust the majority to make the right decision. That is so because the majority of people are stupid. They believe anything their priest, politician and reality show contestant tells them. And most of them are born to be followers anyway.

I'm not saying we need to give up fighting for our rights. I'm saying is that we shouldn't expect things to change in a day. We still have a long way to go.

But what we should not forget is that just all of us have a right to be happy. Just because old people who fart in public tell us that something is perverse doesn't mean that it is. Just do whatever and whomever makes you happy. Even if you are into some weird S&M shit.

Which, by the way, if you are into, please call. Thanks.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack

Contrary to rumors floating around the blog world, I did not die and go to gay heaven (i.e. hell), although I am convinced that's the only way I'll ever get any action. My fat ass is still very much on this planet. I'm not going anywhere. At least for the next two millenia.

Also, to dispel other rumors, I did not join the cast of Weeds, the blind guy didn't see me and I certainly did not have sexual relations with that woman.


(I hope that was the right sound effect. If not, well, I'm not a fucking sound technician, so give me a break.)

However, the rumor about me having a big schlong is something that I'm neither going to confirm nor deny. Draw your own BIG conclusions. Though with my luck, you know which one it would be.

Anyways, before I humiliate myself anymore and drive away the three people who still love me, I just wanted to say a big thank you to all those who missed me. I love you all even though I do question your intelligence. (insert wicked smiley)

And to all those who did not miss me, well, sleep with one eye open tonight. There's going to be a fat guy climbing down your chimney with a big brown bag and it ain't gonna be Santa.

*cue evil laugh*

(I said I'm not a fucking sound technician. Geez.)

p.s. I wasn't away on purpose. There were some extraordinary circumstances that required my immediate attention and were the cause of my absence.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Is that a banana in your pocket or are you really happy to see me?

So I enter this espresso bar, grab a table, sit, take out my laptop, pretend not to notice anyone else, actually not notice anyone else, order my caffe poison, put on some music and start typing/browsing.

Then, as luck would have it, I accidentally notice that a smart, almost-hunk is on the opposite table is checking me out. I pinch myself three times to ensure that this is not the usual nightmare where the hunk turns into godzilla and starts eating me up. Once I confirmed that it was in fact reality, I proceed to process the information.

Is he for real? Is he really checking me out or just looking at me so as to make jokes with his friends? Not that I really care. Is he one of them wonderfully big-hearted chubby chasers I keep hearing about? Does this mean that there IS a God? Does my hair look good? Who am I kidding? My hair always looks good.

Then he started to smile.

I put on my best I-may-be-fat-on-the-outside-but-let's-pretend-I-have-a-personality-on-the-inside face so as to enable him to fall in love with me.

Anyways, he keeps looking and smiling and I keep getting more and more conscious. I even almost drop my cup of java.

Then his friend, who had her back towards me looks at me and says something to me. I guess that she is his fag hag and was just approving me. After all, I had just the right expression on my face.

So she turns towards me and asks me politely

Fag Hag: Excuse me, what song is that?

Me: Which song?

Fag Hag (a little taken aback): ..ummm... The one you are listening to ...

Me (snapping out of planning my first date with the almost-hunk): Oh..,that

Me: It's .... (forgetting name of song ) ...

Me: *long pause* .. How to save a life by The Fray....

Fag Hag (smiling): ... Cool ... Thank You ....

Me: That's quite alright ...

Me (inner voice): Quite alright? What are you? A 1896 homosexual or a log cabin republican? Couldn't you say, that's okay or no problem .... Are you kidding me with this shit? .... Who forgets the name of the song? ... You fucking listen to it a gazillion times a day ... you moron .. you'll never have a boyfriend ....

Fag Hag: My friend here likes the song ....

Me: He has good choice in music .... hahaha (--> the i-love-him-laugh)

Me (inner voice): Why are you so fucking lame? Seriously, since when did you turn shy? Is that even a joke.... No, dumbass ... that is why no one's laughing ... and you don't count pinhead ....

I play the song again. The almost-hunk smiles again.

Then it happened.

Both of them got up. The fag hag looked in my direction. She smiled.

Then, the almost-hunk wears dark black shades, picks up his walking stick from under the table and both of them head out.

The almost hunk was BLIND.

Yes. Someone who couldn't SEE.

He was visually challenged.

So he was not checking me out, the moron was doing some fucking eye exercises.

Whoever runs this bloody planet is a really big frikin tease.

Now please excuse me while I go make fun of people who don't have much going on in their lives.

Anyone who points out the irony is going to have one big fat lip. Men or women. I don't discriminate.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

My own private Idaho

So I'm not dead yet. On the outside anyway. I died on the inside a few years ago, when I found out that John Cena has a girlfriend.

Anyway, I'm away from home at this mountain retreat. Sort of needed a break. "A break from
what?" some of you may asked each other, in a hushed tone. Good question, however, history teaches us that some questions are better left unanswered. Like Who killed Peter Pan? and Why did the chicken cross he road?

So this hilly town I am in just has the basic bare necessities one needs to survive in the world. Like an alcohol bar, two espresso bars, a bookshop, a baskin robins, two pizzerias, and an out of this world bakery. It's safe to say I'm roughing it. I mean the hotel only has basic cable and no satellite TV. That's equivalent to camping in the wild or trying to climb Mt Everest.

And this place always has a strange effect on me.
It's like Bizzaro world up here. I do unusual things like walking for fun and pouring my own glass of water. I even almost smiled to someone. Also, when the reception gave me a wake up call, which I had not asked for, I actually did not beat them up within an inch of their life and did not even have Satan confisicate their souls for the next three eternities.

Another weird thing I've seen is that ugly people only mate with other ugly people and good looking people only mate with other good looking people. There are very few people who really stand out as a "What-the-fuck-is-behind-nose-no-1 and Oh-fuck-look-at-that-ass" couple.

Which is both a good thing and a bad thing. Good thing is that I might have a chance and bad thing is that he would be as ugly as me, which means I'm going to die alone, because I would certainly not date me. I have standards, ya'know.

Maybe I should look into this "wife" thing. If I am going down, I'm taking some poor, unsuspecting, soul with me. Or at the very least I will have someone to polish my shoes when other help is busy. You can never have too much help these days.

Anyyywayyy, I still like it here. The weather is nice and most of the employees at the hotel I'm staying in have the same name. In fact, it's common to almost all service employees. Everyone answers to "Excuse Me". How very thoughtful of the tourism department. That's called putting your customer first. When you don't need to know the names of people who bring your morning cuppa tea or serve you dinner. That's what keeps bringing me back here everytime. That and the fact that I can ignore almost everyone here and not give an excuse.

If only there was a Gay bar here somewhere, this would be a perfect Paradise. Even the chicken crossed the road because there was a gay bar on the other side.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I promise that this post will eventually end

You know what people lack in this day and age? In fact, something that has been lacking since the dawn of time. Ever since Adam fell in love with Eve's brother, Evan.

A sense of humor.

I don't mean a sense of humor like the ability to crack funny jokes, but the ability to lighten up.

People take themselves way too seriously. The reason there is so much sadness everywhere we turn is because (a) People voluntarily remain sober and (b) Most people let others define who they are.

It's so easy to label someone. And when you do, that someone does his best to live up to that label. Consciously or subconsciously. For example, we somehow have come to the notion that pink is gay. Everything pink is now associated with being gay. Gay rights is called the pink revolution. Wtf, right? Why not magenta? Or coffee brown? Maybe not. Coffee brown sounds too straight.

People also let other people define what is right or wrong. There is this ideal person that everybody wants to be. Someone who by a conscious majority is deemed as an ideal citizen and a moral authority. Someone who always does the so called "right thing" and sacrifices his happiness for others. Personally, I would rather soak my nuts in boiling hot water than sacrifice my happiness for someone who is not me.

Some self-righteous morons have the tendency to define what standards certain people need to uphold to qualify for a particular label. Like if you don't like bollywood or cricket or don't speak your "mother" tongue, you ain't truly Indian. It's like saying that if you prefer to listen to Lupe Fiasco or enjoy a pizza more than you enjoy *insert name of Indian food item* then you might as well go and piss on the memorial of the unknown solider. Personally speaking, I'd rather eat vegetarian food than care about what label other people put on me. And by the by, I only eat vegetarian food when a gun is put to my head. Or if dry humping is involved. It depends on the situation, really.

I am of the opinion that anybody's signoff of "acceptance" on who you are is not required.

I'm not trying to diss anyone, even though I love to do that. Everybody has their own definition of right or wrong and that's how it should be. Like I believe that breakfast is best washed down with a light cocktail. A few might disagree. That does not change my mind.

There is also this irritating habbit that people need to have similar opinions to hang out. There is this notion that people with opposing ideas cannot be friends. I have many friends who completely disagree with my heavily medicated point of view most of the time. But then that doesn't stop me from being good friends with them. And being a good friend I mean not screwing them over for material gain. Well, err... maybe a little. Tee-hee.

Like my brother's beliefs about religion are the complete opposite of mine. But I don't hate him for that. That would be ridiculous. I hate him because even though there is a half-decade age gap between us, the fuck looks younger to me. Grrrrr.

So people need to lighten up and come down from their high horses. People literally jump from their fucking seat to stereotype someone. It's the easiest thing to do. People don't realize that there are always two sides to a coin. My side and the other wrong side.

My Jerry Springr-esque conclusion is that people need to stop marinating in their own pool of self inflicted misery and need to get lighten up. Laugh a little. It's simple and easy. If you find it difficult, please signup for my simple and easy eight-step program.

p.s. I realize that most of my analogies revolve around food, drinks and nuts. But I can't help it can I? I'm fat, alcoholic and gay. So sue me.