Thursday, December 20, 2007

I just can't stop thinking about him. It's as painful as a permanent wound. I just can't stop. I go forward in the direction of getting over this but then something pulls me back in again.

What kills me most is that I can't just walk up to him and tell him. It is so complicated. Even if I did, it would be disastrous. BIG TIME. I try to convince myself that he feels the same, but in my hearts of hearts I know he does not. His liking and my liking are like apples and oranges. I want to shout out from rooftops but I can't. This is the only place where I can even talk about it. It's just rotting inside me. It makes me want to give up everything here and go somewhere else. All I want is to forget him. Get him out of my mind. Out of my life. So i can move on. Go ahead with my life.

Right now it seems that my life has come to a standstill. I want to fight with God for this but that's not something I can do. I just want to howl away a the top of my voice. I hate everything that makes me feel this way. I am tired of fighting my own self.

It's not easy being the my true self. I can't talk about this with anyone. I am trying to handle this on my own and all that is happening is that I am sinking and sinking and sinking.

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