He leaves today for his Uni. How do I know? Well, I read the conversation he had with one of his friends in the social-networking-website. I know what your thinking, so no, I'm not stalking anyone. Well, not anymore anyway.
When I was reading the messages he had exchanged with his friend, I kind of felt strange. It was like reading a conversation between two strangers. Or someone from another life. And then somewhere in my mind I heard Christina Applegate go "This Guy???" [mandatory FRIENDS reference]. It seemed like I didn't even know him. It seemed as if I had created a version of him in my mind and I fell for that. I just don't know.
I thought when this day would come I would be heartbroken and sad. Surprisingly I am neither.
In fact, I am simply amazed at how calm and collected I am. Though I do have this trickle of emptiness somewhere in my heart.
Do I still love him? Well, not anymore I think. I still have some feelings for him buried somewhere in my heart but I don't think I love him anymore. I think subconsciously I've come to accept that him and me are never going to happen. Can we ever stop loving someone? I don't know.
However, it doesn't mean that what I felt for him wasn't true. It was. The pain, the emotional turmoil, it was all true. I lived it for more than three years.
I also believe that people enter our lives to teach us a lesson or to help us move along in our journey and that once we learn that lesson they exit our life. So for that I am thankful to Ryan. Because of the feelings I had for him are what ultimately led me to confront myself a few months ago, and be able to find the strength to be my true self. So his leaving the city is kind of symbolic too.
Am I crazy or am I just reading too many self-help books?? :P
The funny thing is he has no fucking idea!! To him I'm still the good friend turned casual acquittance.
Am I ready for my first gay relationship? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know.
All I know that whatever this is, I can now try to move on with my life. [look at me, I'm growing up!!] To the next exciting/mildly boring chapter. Or in the immortal words of Joey Tribiani It's time to pick up a spoon [I really to stop referencing lines from FRIENDS. It's like a disease or something].
So hopefully, as the title specifies, this is my last post about Ryan. And, for the sake of sanity, finally I can bring myself to say:
Goodbye Ryan, Have a nice life!! Thanks for the memories. We will always have that plate of Maggie Noodles.
We took our time, because we take time to think and we finally compiled the list.
Rules of the tag: Various situations are given. You have to come up with a song ( or a couple) that aptly describe those situations in YOUR life.
Opening credits: Superstar - Lupe Fiasco / Touch the sky - Kanye West
Waking up: Wake up Call - Maroon 5 / Let's get it started - Black Eyed Peas
Average day: Rollin - Limp Bizkit / Rehab - Amy Winehouse
First date: Smooth - Santana & Rob Thomas / Pimp Juice - Nelly / The Reason - Hoobastank
Falling in love: Hey there Delilah - Plain White T's / Somethin Stupid - Frank Sinatra / How Bizzare - OMC / Ayo Technology - 50 Cent
Love scene: Don't stop the music - Rihana/ Let's get blown - Snoop Dogg & Pharrel / Deep Inside of you - Third Eye Blind
Fight scene: The Game - Motorhead / One Blood - The Game [different people]
Breaking up: Your Fault - Plain White T's / Love is a losing game - Amy Winehouse / We used to be Friends - The Danny Warhols / Right now - Carrie Underwood / Over You - Chris Daughtry
Getting back together: My Way - Limp Bizkit / Like you'll never see me again - Alicia Keys
Secret love: In the closet - Micheal Jackson / Tattoo - Jordin Sparks / Broken - Chris Daughtry
Life's okay: That's the way I Like It - KC & the Sunshine Band / Hotel California - Eagles
Mental breakdown: In the End - Linkin Park / Crawling - Hoobastank
Driving: California - Phantom Planet (on an empty highway) / Fuck off and Die - Green Day (in city traffic)
Learning a lesson: I Don't wanna be - Gavin DeGraw / Shadow of the Day - Linkin Park / We are the champions - Queen / All Right Now- Free
Deep thought: Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve / Chase this light - Jimmy Eat World / Voodoo Child - Jimi Hendrix
Flashback: Thank You - Dido / Sing for the moment - Eminem & Aerosmith
Partying: Low - Flo Rida / Give it to Me - Nelly Furtado & Timberlake & Timbaland
Happy dance: Weapon of Choice - Fat Boy Slim / Blame it on the boogie - Jackson Five and the version by Jay Kid
Regretting: What I've done - Linkin Park / Running Away - Hoobastank
Long night alone: Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day / How to save a life - The Fray
Death scene: King of Kings - Motorhead
Closing credits: Theme from Don (2006) redone by Linkin Park (I'll get that song commissioned some day :D) / Someday - Flypside
And I tag:
Have fun kids!! :D
While getting ready, to distract ourselves, we mused:
- Which cologne in appropriate for coming out?
- Does my hair look good enough for coming out? Who am I kidding, my hair always looks good. Period.
- Gawd!! This is going to sound so stupid when I blog about it. People are going to throw crap at the screen.
So this is a late dinner, we decide to go to a place near my house. We decided that he's going to come to pick me up cause I really am in no mood to drive. So, he is outside my house on time, and I for once, am ready on time too. So when I go towards his car he's talking on the phone. At this time, I'm about to throw up. I'm real nervous. I'm more nervous than Elliot Spitzer in a one-on-one session with the pope. Anyways, we reach the place, and I say let's walk. So we walk a little and I'm still very queasy. He says he's hungry so we go in. I didn't wanna say anything in a crowded restaurant. I only use that to fire people, not come out to them. So, we order drinks and I'm thinking maybe a few screwdrivers will calm my nerves. Well, I'm half right. But I'm still so nervous that I even forget that we have not ordered the main course yet and ask for the cheque right after the drinks and the hors d'oeuvres. John reminds me that we have not had dinner yet. So I say something stupid which both of us pretend is funny and order the main course. Anyways, I don't have much of an appetite. However, John doesn't notice that. (Well, I am a good actor, thank you very much). So during dinner, the topic of marriage comes up. My inner voice tells me to tell him there and then but I just can't bring myself to tell him. I again say something stupid and both of us pretend that it is mysterious. So we planned to go for coffee after our meal, but he says that he's tired and wants to go home. Well I don't wanna consume anything at that point of time anyway, not even coffee (doing this under normal circumstances would be a cardinal sin in my book as we all know). So when he stops the car outside my house, I tell him.
Me: Dude, I got something to say man
John: Hurry up dude, I'm tired
Me: Well ... ... ... long pause ..... ahem ... longer pause ....
John: What's the matter dude .....
Me: Well, I'm .. errr.. umm .... not straight
John: Fuck off .... I'm in no mood for your stupid jokes ... leeme go home .....
Me: I'm serious, asshole
John: What do you mean?
Me: I don't like girls.
John: As in?
Me: As in I'm not attracted to them ......
John(in a state of shock, not tired anymore.....not even drunk): You don't like to sleep with girls ....
Me: Nope. Not a fan.
John: What do you mean .... Do you like to sleep with guys ?
Me: Well ..... errr... ahem ... I want to .....
John: So there is somebody who you like ....
John: There has to be somebody, are you telling me or not ....
Me: (Shrug, rolling eyes)
John: What's the person's name ........ ?
Me: There is (tell him about Ryan)
John: So you've done anything with this guy?
Me: Nope .... He's straight ... I haven't even told him ..... nor do I intend to
John: IF THIS IS ONE OF YOUR JOKES .......
Me: No this isn't
John: How long have you known?
Me: A long time ........
John: But your are straight ....
Me: No bro ... I ain't
YADA YADA YA...
John: Dude, I don't know what I am supposed to do as a best friend,I really don't know how to react, all I can say is that nothing changes between us
Me: Thanks, Man ... That's all I need to hear .....
Me: Sorry for springing this on you ... But I had to tell you .... You're like a brother to me ..... And I couldn't have gone forward without telling you ....
John: Yeah ... I understand ..... hmmmmm
Even though he is visibly under shock at this moment, he does manage to say the right things. I did expect him to come through for me. He doesn't understand it, but he is supportive. It's going to take him time to digest it. I'll let him take his time. However, I'm glad I told him. If I wouldn't have been able to tell him, then how could I tell the rest of the world. Though I'm not planning to tell anybody else yet. Well not until I get the gut feeling again.
He did say some disturbing stuff also (which I've yada yada'ed over) which I will ignore because I think it was the shock speaking.
He also asked me that guys can't have sex with each other. I told him there are ways. He was like ... how? I said it's better I don't tell you the details ... just be happy with the knowledge that there is a way.
So here it is, I told my best friend. It was different this time because while my Mom hadn't asked me many questions, John wanted to know if I was sure or not. He really did ask me a looooot of questions.
In the end, I know even if he doesn't agree with me, he does support me. And that's all I need, right?
"I'll feel proud of you if you complete that *** course you started to study for....."When something like happens to one, one should feel bad. In fact one should feel horrible. But one doesn't. Maybe because one realizes that one is not here on this planet to live someone else's dream. Perhaps one realizes that they are here to live their own story, play out their own movie. One has decided to follow one's own bliss (whatever that means).
"But that's not where my heart is .........."
"You should do it .......... I'll be proud"
"Sorry .... No Can do ....... "
"Well, I can hope, can't I?"
(In another room) "Meh ... "
Or perhaps because one remembers the following story:
Mrs. Ginesberg, having arrived in heaven, addressed the recording angel bashfully. "Tell me," she said, "would it be possible to have an interview with someone in who is here in heaven?"
The recording angel said, "Certainly, assuming that the person is here in heaven."
"Oh, she is. I'm sure of that," said Mrs Ginsberg. "Actually, I want to see the virgin mary."
The recording angel cleared his throat. "Ah, yes. As it happens, she is in a different section, but if you insist I will forward the request. She is a gracious lady and may wish to visit the old neighborhood."
The request was duly forwarded, and the virgin was gracious indeed. It was not long at all before Mrs Ginsberg was favored with the virgin's presence. Mrs Ginsberg looked long at the radiant figure before her and finally said, "Please forgive my curiosity, but I always wanted to ask you. Tell me, how does it feel to have a son who is so wonderful that ever since his time hundreds of millions of people have worshiped him as God?"
The virgin replied, "Frankly, Mrs Ginsberg, we were hoping he would be a doctor."
(From The Book of Man by Osho)
** One is not affiliated to any religion or any religious group or organization.
** One is obviously not crazy ..... one is just a tiny bit retarded.
Both of them were sitting in a coffee bar on tables opposite each other. Both of them were pretending to wait for someone else. However, both were alone. Both were damaged. Both were scarred. But they had fought on. They had come out winning, with trumpets blaring.
A third person passed between them. Both admired the beauty of the third. Then they saw each other. And a smile came across both their faces. Though they had never met each other and probably would never meet again, on this night, with the raindrops pouring outside, they felt connected. Connected because of who they were. Connected because of how they were born. They knew. Yes, they knew.
Their story is not new. This could have happened a 100, 500 or a 1000 years ago. Just the place and the surrounding would be different. The admiration would be the same, the loneliness would be the same, and the want to be fulfilled would be the same. The desire to be loved, to have someone bear witness to their ordinary, ordinary lives, would be the same.
People like them had been persecuted by Kings, by Presidents, by Men who supposedly represented God on earth. Stoned to death while hundreds watched. Burnt to ashes, with no one willing to put out the fire. Condemned. To be left alone in the wilderness, never to be heard from again. To be disowned by friends, family and society. To see the people who they loved all their life, turn their backs on them one by one. To be blamed for ruining other people's lives. To have a stigma attached to their name.
Sitting their in the coffee bar, they said nothing to each other. But the silence spoke. The silence that washed over them, the silence that filled the gap between their fingers. The silence that said it all.
As they sat there, talking in silence, they carried the burden within them. Just as people like them had carried it for centuries. The burden of the damned.
He keeps reminding of something I never had when I was 17. In fact something I don't even have now.
He reminds me of those occasionally sad Saturday nights spent watching WCW Monday Nitro (yes, on a fucking saturday) or reading a book. He reminds me that I never had true love when I was 17. He reminds me what I lost out on. He reminds me of the one regret I may carry with myself for the rest of my life. He reminds me of the time I was so scared, so petrified of who I was. He reminds me of a me that I rarely remember now-a-days. A me that is millions of miles away from who I am at this moment. Seeing him brings back those memories again.
I don't want to think about that time. Though I do have some happy memories, I always end up with a heavy heart when I think about that time. (could I be more sappy?)
Whenever someone tells me that how happy their teens was and that they'd like to go back to that time, I really want to kick all of their teeth out. Hmmmmm I wonder why?
So I ain't gonna be watching Idol again. If he wins, just don't tell me.
It was as if the the darkness of the evening was a metaphor for the darkness about to engulf his life. One of life's lemons had been squirted in his eyes again. He had lost someone who was very close to him. Someone who was with him through thick and thin, someone who was there to share his happiness and unburden his sadness. He had lost a friend. A friend who had always been there. A friend who had always given. A friend who had expected nothing in return. A friend who never said anything, but through his silence always made him feel special. His friend was gone, leaving him alone in this world. Leaving him with no one to share the silent moments. Leaving him with just memories. Memories of those sunny days, of those cold winter mornings. If he had known he would never see his friend again, he would have said one final goodbye. He at least owed his friend that much.
He had tears in his eyes, as he drove back home. When he entered his house, he knocked on his door. His Mother opened the door and saw the state her son was in. She rarely saw her son with such an aura of sadness. "What Happened?", she asked him. He was barely able to reply. He rushed to his room and lay down on the bed. She grew more worried. She asked him again. "I...I've lost a friend .....a friend today .." he could barely speak over the tears. "WHO?" she asked, with worrying concern. "The...The........ The coffee shop near our house has just closed". His mother was shocked. Though her expression said that her son is a moron, in her heart she felt his pain. His loss.
Fast Forward to Today:
He had heard this before. It never turned out to be true. Maybe this was a rumor too. Could it be true? He made his way their patiently. Once he reached there, he scanned around. He couldn't beleive his eyes. The rumors were true. Yes, there is a God. And he listens. Finally the wait was over. Now he wouldn't need to drive the extra 0.5 kms. His friend was back. In a new avatar. The coffee shop had become bigger and better. And it welcomed him with open arms. He was home again. The oh-to-familiar aroma, the comfortable seating. The free-copy-useless-tabloid on the table. He was so happy, he could cry.
An interview call:
HR Dude: Since we have ironed out the details of the salary, and you don't have any questions, I'll mail the contract over to you.
Candidate: ..Er...Ahem.... I have something I forgot to ask ......
HR Dude: Yeah .. Sure .. Go ahead ....
Candidate: It may seem stupid, but it's important to me .....
HR Dude: WHAT????
Candidate: Do you have a coffee shop in our office campus?
HR Dude: Halo....Hello.....Yellowwww ... (gives up)
i keep having this nightmare where ryan's parents are running after me, shouting, you turned our son gay .....
through i keep pretending otherwise, i wonder if i actually am going to find somebody ever .....
i never know what to say to people ....... at both happy and sad occasions ......
i sometimes get this overwhelming feeling that when i die, it'll be by the hands of a mob which is hunting and killing gay people ......