Wednesday, May 21, 2008

A letter to Mother Nature

Hey Mother Nature,

S'up? Contrary to the human race's best efforts, I hope you are doin great.
So Mother Naitch (can I call you that?), dude, I know you don't usually answer wishes and stuff cause only a few lesbians living on the west coast beleive in you, but I was hoping you'd grant me a few wishes. And please, DON'T forward this to God. I know you are like his committee chairperson for planet earth, but I already tried reaching him. But that guy is more difficult to reach than Tony Soprano. I'm tellin ya. I tried to mail him, but he never replies. I think my mail keeps going to his junk mail folder. When I tried to go through one of his offices here on earth, the managers there keep handing me a book to read. Seriously, those books are so not going to be on the New York Times best seller lists. I don't think God can be such a bad writer. Those books appear to be written by some Sidney Sheldon-Jackie Collins wannabe crack whore on LSD. Seriously. And then half of the people in those offices condemn me to hell. Tell me, are there any gay people in hell? I imagine hell to be some sardonic, hedonistic place full of rambunctious debaunchers like me. Fun place, no?

Another thing is that God doesn't even have a phone. I mean the master of the universe is at least expected to have a 1-800 number. Even Geico has one, for cryin out loud. What does he do with the money that his offices collect as revenue? Not trying to be rude but I think God needs to get audited.


Anyhoo, back to me. I just wanted you to be a good girl and do some those miracles people talk about. Can you like, eliminate all the fat in my body, give me an eight pack and a fab ass? Plus I'd also like to wake up next to a combination of some or all of the people mentioned in the attachment names.doc (after having done you-know-what). The reason that I'm asking you for the miracle is that to accomplish these things in real life, one needs to actually get up from one's ass and do something about it. Since one simply refuses to move one's ass, one is requesting you for a miracle as a last resort.

I know this is a tough one, but if you think about it, really not my fault. It's either your fault or God's fault. You guys can have a meeting to decide who to blame. My vote is to the guy who administers the office up there. You guys are worse run then enron.
See, what happened was that you put me on a planet where Gay people were, until a few decades ago, stoned/killed/married to Liza Minelli or something.(Cause these people God appointed to oversee his offices on earth, were like sanctimonious sons-of-bitches). So I was like really fucked up for most of my teenage years. And more so when I legally became an adult (I say legally cause mentally I'm still 15). So this whole "Gay" thing was like delayed. So know, we need to accomplish those things in a short span of time. And, dude, we can't seem to wait that long. And don't try to ignore this mail. Otherwise I know this Nigerian guy who has your bank account number. And if ya help me, I promise to recycle a lot of stuff (specially corny jokes & one-liners). And I'm not threatening you or anything, but I can arrange to have Al Gore cloned. Think about it. That's all I'm asking.

Have Fun,

Lotsa Love,

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper


13 comments:

chandni said...

can I put in a request for a miracle too?

i could do with a little less fat on my body too ;)

Firefoxcub said...

I dunno about nature's miracles man. She isn't known for that. Shes known more for natural disasters. I think being gay is like some cruel joke nature and god thought up on one very harsh LSD trip when god thought he was Satan. That's prolly why his ministers tell you you're going to hell. (which you are, btw, you dirty sinner. REPENT!)

But I agree with everything else. God ought to have a 1-800 number, functional email and should be up for elections every five years.

Crazy Sam said...

OMG! You are one damn helluva witty dude! Seriously! I'm sure those who are around you will never have a boring second.

closetalk said...

aha. u must be the Gay Anti Christ. About time we had one of you down here. :)

Soul Seared Dreamer said...

HAHAHA

Here.. my own is shorter:

Mother N,

RW asks for far too much. I'm not so demanding.. all I want is some fat in my body, and a six pack

Love SSD


Great post.

Orange said...

=)

I'd settle for a 6 pack...

;)

Orange said...

...or someone with one!

mmmmmm!

:D

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

chandni:Sure you can, but you already have a nice boy by your side :P

ffc:Well if it weren't for us missy, where would the good things in life come from? Books, Music, Alcohol ... So even if we are in hell, we'll be having a great time ... :P .... and if God was up for elections, he would not be able to stand the attacks of the Republican Attack Machine. I mean Karl Rove is invincible!! :P

sam: Nahh .. People around me think that I'm some Sidney Sheldon-Jackie Collins wannabe crack whore on LSD ... :D ....

ct: You make it sound so biblical ... :P .... :P ... :P .. but just a technical question .. the anti-christ is allowed to have gay sex, isn't he? .. :P ...

ssd: Grrrrr!! Get in line ... The Naitch needs to listen to me first ..... otherwise she's going to have to deal with two Al Gore's ..... muhahahaha ... :P :P

orange: hell, i'd settle for someone with a six pack ... mmmmm indeed .... provided that he shouldn't expect one in return .... :D .....

Hidden Me said...

Nice one.. Good way to put forward your view...

Firefoxcub said...

Missy yourself! I wonder when we'll have a gay PM or Prez. I think it'll be a neon world when that happens.

A rebel all the way... said...

hahahahhahahahahaa.....
ok thats undoubtedly one of ur best entries (and when i say that i do NOT mean that the rest were utter crap...just wanted to clarify)....
waise wherever r u? still hitting the bed before the clock strikes 12? you are worse than cinderella....:P

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

hidden me: nice handle!! and thanks ... :P ... i try :P ...

ffc: o yes .. we will rule one day ... according to certain people of god, in 2058, after we've successfully destroyed the institution of marriage and family, the world will be ruled by some really fabulous people .... with great hairdo's

rebel: thanks for clearin tat up .. thou u knw i dnt blv u :P..... also ... cindrella was the first ever gay fairytale ... because the prince was a big mo .. i mean a guy who's obsessed with glass shoes? sounds like a 'mo to me :P ..... not tat i'm stereotypin' ....

unsungpsalm said...

This letter should be a forward!