Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Random Thoughts ...

What a week!! My room was being renovated so I had to shift to another room :gasp: :gasp: . And I had to get some work done, which if you know me, is mostly impossible. So, I was busy selecting the color of the paint, the design of the sofa and busy thinking how great it would be if I could get Anthony Antipov to paint my room wearing only boxers.

And since I was on the other side of the house, I had to be a tad bit social, which if you know me, is impossible. So, I had to actually greet people who came over to meet my family. Usually, when we are invaded by an army of guests, I go to my room, but since it wasn't available :sigh: :sigh:, I had to actually make nice with people, which if you know me is mostly impossible.

I had to disconnect and reconnect the computer twice.

So I was reading a few blogs and I realised that I'm on the wrong side of 20. 25 to be precise.
I was looking at some pics of Ryan Sheckler and all through the hotness I felt like a creepy old man!!

I usually do beleive that things don't happen before their time, but I feel that I might have passed my Gay prime without even coming out ... :( :( .

I know ... I know .... I need to see a therapist, which, if you know me, is never gonna happen.

My newly renovated room looks good. Yay!! The fruit of my hard work (Right!!) ...... I hope to have some gay sex in this room ..... soon, which, if you know me, might take some time. The only thing missing is a big life size shirtless poster of John Cena, which if you know me, might not happen in this hemisphere.

By the way, I DID end up pinging Ryan ... I know ... glutton for self destruction/moping around. I found out he is going to go for an interview to Uni in two days ....... Now the big Question is whether I ping/text/mail him or go personally/ask him to get a restraining order.
In the interest of fairness/proving that I am not a stakler (who am i kidding) ... I'll just wish him with a text and sing "cry me a river" waiting for his reply (which, if you know me, is a strange but distinct possibility).

Monday, January 21, 2008

First Coming Out !!!!

So this was another usual day, except that I came out to my mom today. I came OUT today. For the first time. I was myself in front of someone else, and that too my mom.

SO how did it come about? Well, it all started yesterday. We had a family blowout yesterday. My mom, my brother on one side and my dad on the other. I was just trying to pacify everyone and try to have everyone make up. Well cause I am supposed to be the calm one in the family (go figure!!) cause I am the psychoanalyzing, judging, controlling, advising, educating bitch of the family. So while trying to negotiate between the two warring parties (use the term loosely) I was about to say it and stopped myself.

I couldn't sleep the whole night thinking what would happen if I told everyone. I was up all night and slept at about 9.00 am. So, when I wake up it was almost time for lunch. So I got ready and went to sit in the garden with my mom , and I was talking to my Mom about what happened last night and then the conversation turned to letting people be and being true to who one is. After that we went to the dining room to have lunch. I didn't have much of an appetite although my last meal was more than 12 hours ago. I just had that gut feeling that I have to tell her today. I just knew that I had to tell her. Come what may, I had to tell her today. So once we finished lunch, I took her to my room, had her sit down, and told her that I have something to tell her and that if I didn't tell her today, I would go crazy. She asked me what it is. And then I just couldn't say anything. She kept asking for a couple of minutes but the words were just not coming out. And then I blurted "I don't like girls" ... She said "Okay" and then I told her "I'M GAY" !!!!!! And then I started to cry and kept mumbling "I'm sorry .. I'm sorry"!!! She asked me why I'm crying and that "You don't need to be sorry because this is who you are and the way you were born." She said that she was really happy for me and that the only way to live was to be truthful to oneself. She hugged me and said that how long have I known and I told her that since I was 13. She said that I should have told her earlier. I told her that I only made peace with it a month ago and was not ready. She said that it's fine and that she was really happy for me and that it's wonderful that I told her.

I asked her that if she was really fine with it and she said that if I need to really ask her that. She said that she has no problem with it whatsoever and that I should go out there and find someone!!!

To say that I was delighted and ecstatic with her reaction was an understatement. She told me that I should be comfortable with who I am and accept myself. We also discussed if I would tell the rest of the family and she said that to it's nobody's business and to tell everyone when I want to. I asked her not to tell anyone as I would be the one to do so. Then she also asked me if I like someone and I told her a bit about Ryan. She told me not to worry about it and that I would find someone.

So I've come out to the most important person in my life and she was happy for me.
At some level I always knew that she would love me no matter what but was scared unnecessarily.

So it's finally out. And I am really happy to get the burned of my back. I never planned it, it just happened. I just knew that I had to tell her.

So I've stopped living a lie.

The best part is that there is completely no awkwardness between us we were sorting out some of my old clothes and I said that this t-shirt is so gay and she started laughing.

Thanks, Mom. You're great. And thanks God for giving me the strength.

Also, I need to send a shout out to all the bloggers whose blogs I read because of which I was able to come to this decision.

1 down. 999,999,999 to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Adamo Ruggiero comes out

Adamo: You're a great inspiration to a lot of people out there and a great role model!!

Adamo Ruggiero, the guy who plays the gay guy, Marco Del Rossi, on Degrassi: The Next Generation has come out publicly. Thought that's happening a lot these days, however, what is commendable about Adamo is that he's just 21 and his whole career is ahead of him. It' great to have people like him who are ready to be who they are, even though they are in the public eye and still be true to themselves. It's a giant step to take and to take it in front of the whole world is even more commendable.

And, on a totally different subject, he's soooo cute. One of the guys I have on my list, :P .

Friday, January 18, 2008

Still the same ...

Even after writing that oh-so-emotional letter I still can't seem to stop obsessing about Ryan. Hmm.... Seems I'll have to find another guy to obsess about soon. Or i'll ping him. Whatever is more heartbreaking/self destructive. I guess life's too short to do the logical thing (or so I say to convince myself).

The letter was the really hard for me. See, I haven't ever been easily able to express my emotions. But this blog has really helped me to be able to express myself emotionally and not go on suppressing the emotions. Life's too short to be embarrassed about anything (or so I say to convince myself) :) .

Monday, January 14, 2008

Dear Ryan ....

My Dear Ryan,

Hi. I know you will never get to read this. I know you would freak if you ever did. I'm still gonna write this assuming that you will one day.

Ever since the first day I saw you, I've had this enormous crush on you. I tried to make it go away, but I couldn't. No matter what I did, I couldn't. And I never got to know when it turned into love. It's not your fault. I don't blame you. I'll never know.

I never loved you just cause I wanted to do you. I wanted to spend time with you, lie down with you on the beach, choose your haircut, make out with you in the moonlight, the works. But that's never going to happen.

For three years I have carried this torch. I want to come up and say this to you. I would've, however, right now I don't think I can handle your rejection. I'm much better off not telling you. It may be my cowardice, but that's the way it shall remain.

I'm sorry for those stupid insane questions and sorry for those expectations.

You don't know how much even a message from you meant to me. I would jump with joy if you either replied to my message and/or sent a forwarded message or wished me on an occasion. I will never forget those moments and will always savor them. I also am sorry for all the time I was angry at you for not replying to my message(s) or email or for completely ignoring my stupid questions.

I still have a glimmer of hope buried in my heart that one day "we" might happen. But the realist in me says that it won't. I'm trying to move on and hopefully, one day I will be able to.

I'm sorry I have ceased all contact with you (not that you would've noticed!!). I need to do that to try to move on.

Ryan, there are lots of things I want to say to you. Lots of things I want to do with you. Hell, there are lots of things I want to do to you. But right now, I'll only say that I LOVE YOU.

May you always be happy. Have a good life.



Friday, January 11, 2008

One of my reasons of acceptance

A few days ago, infact maybe a week or two ago I was really agonizing over being gay. I was angry and that resulted in this entry. So looking at the internet (WHERE ELSE) for answers, I found this blog which has the teachings of the great guru Osho on homosexuality. Going through it, I took a giant step towards acceptance and got a little bit of my peace of mind, which is evident from this entry.

In this journey of finding "ourselves" this emmensly helped me accept myself. The following is an excerpt from the blog which, in my opinion would help anyone struggling with inner acceptance.

.... The first thing: drop worrying about it! Just by being a heterosexual nothing better is going to happen -- it will be the same. So accept your homosexuality just as you accept other things -- hunger.... Now life's answer is not there in eating food -- every day you will feel hungry again, again full, and again hungry. The answer is not there, but that does not mean that because the answer is not there you stop taking food, otherwise you will die. ....
Among other things, he also says that:

... If you eat this type of food, that is good; if you eat another type of food, that too is good. The problem is not there. For example, somebody comes and he says, 'I smoke a certain brand of cigarettes -- now this is my problem.' The brand cannot be the problem: you can change the brand of cigarettes, but the problem will remain the same. That is exactly the thing with the heterosexual and the homosexual: you just change the brand of the cigarette, nothing else. .....

The quote I liked the most was simple and very telling:

The first and very fundamental thing is to accept the way you are so there is no need to be bothered about it, no more energy is to be put there.
So shift the emphasis. It has nothing to do with heterosexuality, homosexuality; nothing to do with it. I accept it as it is: It is good; don't make a problem out of it. If you make a problem out of it you will be continuously stuck there. Not making a problem of it means that now your energy is available, you can move somewhere else.

The reason we are called "gay" (a little bit funny, i guess)

Homosexuals are really gay, happy people -- they understand each other. If you understand yourself a little bit, you understand the other man you love. There is a great ' understanding between the persons...
About the "Religious Right" he says:

... Homosexuality is not such a big problem, it is not a problem at all, in fact. It is part of human freedom. There is nothing wrong if two persons choose a certain style of sexual relationship; it should be nobody's business. But the priests and the politicians are poking their noses into everything! They create guilt in you -- absolutely unnecessary. If two men are in love, what is wrong in it? What harm are they doing to anybody? In fact, they look happier than the heterosexuals; that's why they are called "gay".... Homosexuals become more feminine and they start having a certain beauty, a certain "richness" about them, a certain roundness, a grace... Why make much out of a simple thing? If you are enjoying a relationship with a man, enjoy it! .......
If you want to read more the blog is available here.

The above helped me a lot to move towards acceptance. Now, some people may knock it, but this worked for me, and helped me gain comfort towards my homosexuality. It made me more 'gay', I guess !!!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Should I ?

So there is this test Ryan gave and I really want to ping him and ask him what his result was. Depending on what his result is, he will either stay or go to uni. Though I am really curious, I don't wanna ping him and then go through the following process:

- me taking an eternity to come up with a decent question
- deep anxiety over whether he will answer it or not
- pure ecstasy when the reply is received from him
- withdrawal symptoms once the reply has been read followed by a sudden maddening urge to go out and "play" with him
- a long bout of depression
- restarting the process of getting over him

And that's the good part. So if I ask him, I would need to go back to Phase 1, which is a totally bad place, but if I don't I'll still go back to phase 1 because i'll keep thinking about it.

I know nothing's gonna happen with him ever, but I just can't seem to let go. And I really don't want to go through the whole process again. I've succeeded a bit in trying not thinking about him at least for the past two days, and been a bit cheerful, and no matter what answer I get, I'll be yearning and sulking for a few days.

Do I lose his friendship (or whatever is left of it) because of my feelings or do I maintain a distance with him while I get over my feelings for him? Also, will I ever be able to get over him, ever? These are questions to which I don't have any answers to right now.

Sometimes, something as simple can be as complicated as the United Nations.

Friday, January 4, 2008

I Accept it and i'll try to live with it

I'm done trying to tear myself up on being gay. I'm at 100% peace with it. I am not going to be worried about it. I now don't care what the world will think, what my parents will think, what will happen if people where I work get to know. I'll deal with it if it happens.

I don't have any obligation toward any human being in such a way that they can tell me how I need to live. God made me this way. If he had wanted me to be straight, he would've made me like that. I didn't choose this. I was like this when I was born. Period. It's not like choosing coffee or tea. It's how I was made. And I don't regret it. I'm not ashamed. I consider myself lucky that God thought that I was tough enough to fight society's prejudice, stupidity and hypocrisy and so he made me this way. I feel like one of the chosen one's.

From today, I'm not going to let gay take over my life. I'm gay. That's it. It doesn't define my whole personality. If I the people I know and love choose to not be with me because I'm gay, that is their problem. They can't tell me what to be. And one is supposed to accept the people they love as is. It's not an issue for me. I'm not going to be "OUT" as in tell everybody I am. it's nobody's business. It's not a disease that I need to tell everyone. I just like people of the same sex. Big deal. Ho Hum. So what's new!!!!!

If I face prejudice because I'm gay, then so be it. If I don't get promoted at work because I find Mario Lopez hot, then so be it. I'm not going to go around town wearing a placard saying "Hey bitches, I'm Gay".

There are millions of people who face prejudice because of the color of their skin, because of their religion, because of the color of their hair, because of their weight, so if I face it because I want to see Cristiano Ronaldo's butt then I'm down with it. I'll fight it, but I cannot change people's opinion. Society everywhere is trained to make fun of anything which is not in majority. So if people are homophobes then they can go fuck themselves.

I know it all sounds very strange and very difficult but I hope God gives me enough strength to follow through.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

It's Phase 2

A couple of events over the past two days have made me realize that I've entered Phase 2 in the whole "Getting over Ryan" project. I have no idea what Phase 1 or two are, but I'm definitely in phase2.

How did I come across such a conclusion? Well, a few events changed my opinion.

First, he wasn't the first one I texted for New year's. In fact he was the last one I texted. Also, I did not jump like a prehistoric monkey-who-sees-a-banana (even the analogy is gay!!) when I got his text. So that made me happy. Secondly, he left me a message on my profile on a social-networking-site and I did not grin like crazy when I saw the notification email. So after humming "Cry me a river" (by JT no less) and pondering over the thought, I came to the conclusion that, I am in phase 2 (well, nerdy and gay, but who cares). So there.

And, whoever is reading this (not many people are, by the by), have a great 2008!!!