And there I sat waiting for the letter from my office. Will they send me the notice?

I am or rather was a rising star. But I haven't risen that far yet. And I have a lotta enemies pulling for it behind my back. But things don't run so smoothly without me! Or do they. Don't know the answers to these questions yet.

It's that sinking feeling inside. I keep on reading because I don't want to think about my life. I don't wanna concentrate on my problems. A fictional character's problems will make great reading right now. It helps me forget about him.

Sinking myself into work for the past three years has helped me not to think about him. But right now, sitting at home for the past two almost agonizing months, he's all I have been thinking about.

Specially in the past two weeks. I just wanna shout, run scream do anything that takes away the gut wrenching pain of not having him. I can't. I know it's not lust. It's love. I just yearn to hold his hand. To walk in the cold with him. Hold him in my hands. But that's not going to happen. I can't tell him. It'll even take away the last bit of friendship we have left. I don't know what will help me get him out of my mind. But I need to. I can't put my life and career on hold. I used to scoff and belittle people who acted like this. And now I am one of them. The irony of life.

Sometimes I just wanna cry. LOUD. VERY VERY LOUD. Will it help? I don't know. I don't know what will. All I know that time is running out and I need to get my life together. I can't keep postponing my life to continuously brood over him. I can't. I just can't.