Friday, December 28, 2007

Him ... Who??

Let's call the guy I like, nay I LOVE, whom I'm trying to get over because I've really let the candle burn too long, Ryan.

So Ryan and I really hit it off when we met. As I've said before, I guess I fell for him the minute I saw him. Untill then I knew I was gay, but I never had such a moment. I'd like guys before or lusted guys before but this was like KAPOW!! Well we got to know each other and over the next few weeks we really hit it off and became good friends. We used to hang out the whole day together (at work) and talk on the phone while going home or while at home or keep IM'ing each other.
I sometimes used to totally lose myself in front of him and once I called him "baby" in front of lots of people. No one noticed or even if they didn't no one said anything. (See this is strange cause I'm a total straight guy in front of everyone, and I play the part VERY WELL).

He used to send me mixed signals like feeling up my legs and saying "Nice cloth on your trousers" always buddying up with me during our training and then talking about chics or something. So I was always confused.

He once played a gay part in a play during our training, and we used to exchange a lot of "your're" gay banter with each other. There were a lot of mixed signals. Dunno if they actually were mixed signals or I'm reading too much into them but I always got this vibe from him.

So after a few months he left the company to pursue his studies and we only had two long conversations after that. Once over the phone and once in person. Then we used to exchange infrequent emails. Now over the past year, all we do is post one or two messages on each other's profile on a social networking site.

I haven't seen him for the past three years. I never let myself think about him because I immersed myself into work. It's that ever since I have been off work I just can't stop thinking about him. And It's driving me crazy. Now he's going to go to Uni in another state. And I think we're gonna lose touch forever.

I'm trying my best to get over him but it is an uphill task. Not that I can do anything about it. I've wanted to go and tell him, but I just can't. I cannot risk being outed right now. He'll always be the one who got away. Or maybe we'll cross our paths one day. I guess I'm a hopeless romantic.

So, Ryan, I know u'l never know and I can never say this to your face, I love you. I wish you the best for your life and hope that you find love, someday. Even if it's not me. Goodbye Ryan. Goodbye.

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