Thursday, August 21, 2008

Finally, the whippersnapper offers his wisdom to the world

Read this before you read anything else: I know most of you are going to ignore this anyway, but let me warn you that the following post may contain language and or euphemisms which might offend you if you are any of the following: God, Women, Men, Gay people, Straight people, Bi people (wtf), Sad people, Happy people, People with big wankers, people with small wankers, people without wankers, anybody who can read. It also compares the so called sacred institution of life with male genitalia. It also equates happiness with having a big wanker and a bubble butt. Wat the hell didja expect? I'm gay after all. D-uh.

Don't tell me you haven't been warned. Read at your own risk.

(Why is the disclaimer bigger than the whole fucking post?)

Since almost everyone in our blogging clique (are we a clique? possibly) is getting serious and profound, and because I cannot offer them individual sessions, I think everyone needs a dose of the world famous, universally renowned, tried & tested (mostly by me), WhipperSnapper Wisdom.

Firstly, all of us have questions. Questions about life. About why we are who we are. About our purpose on earth.

To tell you the truth, no one really knows the answers to these questions. Everybody just wings it. Even God. Or any other fairytale you believe in.

You see with all the shit that has been hitting the fan lately, I think G-d's been dialing it in for a few centuries. Or maybe he's getting laid in the Bahamas. It just depends which particular issue of Satan Times one is reading.

Anyways, I grappled with these questions too. For almost a week. And considering how short my attention span is, that is the equivalent of ten light years in whippersnapper time. What i found was deep and disturbing.

Basically, God was having fun one day and decided to create the earth. He made men who loved men and women who loved women and kids who could be ordered on Amazon dot com. So almost everyone on earth was living happily. Then God's wife saw how everything was going so well and decided to fix it. Typical woman. She made men who begun to like women and women who begun to like men. And people talked about feelings and monogamy. Pffft. Not that there is anything wrong with that. However, there were some original inhabitants who were too powerful even for Mrs. God. So she made priests whose only job was to condemn the original inhabitants. Soon the printing press was invented and everyone started believing this crap. Because people believed that everything that is published has to be true. So after a few centuries the original inhabitants were marginalized. Why? Because most people are stupid. Stupid people believe anything. That is why China does not want democracy and fifty million people voted for George W Bush. Holy Mother of God.

Now, a lot of people think that life is cool and shit and that positive thinking will cure anything. Fuck that. Life is supposed to be one long foreplay before the sweet orgasm of death. That is why alcohol was made. So that you can delude yourself that you're actually enjoying the foreplay and also fasttrack towards the orgasm. That's called killing two birds with one stone. Or licking two nuts with one mouth. Depends on which team you play on.

What I'm trying to say is that people will always find a way to be unhappy. Even if someone has the biggest wanker on earth or the best bubble butt ever, they will find some way to fucking fell sorry about themselves. It's natural. it's human nature. Happens to the best of us. That's how God intended it to be.

That's because if people start thinking that life is one constant blow job after another, who the fuck will pray?

People also wonder where they will be in a few years time. Let me break this one for ya. In a few years time, this beautiful, flawed race will be gone from the face of this earth. Yup. All of us. That's because we'll either choke ourselves to death or we'll nuke everything that breathes. Meanwhile, the best idea is to stop worrying about the future and concentrate on getting laid. Or getting high. What I'm sayin is pick a fucking hobby.

That's all.

Edit: By the way, I hope it shows that I'm an optimistic person. It does, right?


Neha said...

Precious Rambo, Whippesnapper Wisdom is just simply precious! I'm so much at peace now, knowing that life is just one blowjob after another :P!

Hehe...Mrs.God sure did complicate matters. She should also have created a manual explaining "How to deal with men who like women", cuz men who like men are just so much easier to deal with!

Hehe anyway...awaiting more wisdom!
Your sincere enlightened follower,

bloggingknight said...

Hehehe thank you whippersnapper almighty.
Now am enlighten. I was wondering why i am sad, but now no more :P

And i agree with Neha, Mrs. god should have created "Life: How to?" Poor women, she forgot.

P.S. Yes you sure are optimistic. Who dares to question that?

chandni said...

ooooooh I likes.

You get 5 brownie points of this post. And as usual, "you dog, why didn't I think of it first"?


I need to concentrate on the next drink...right?

so off I go. Only if some friends will move their lazy bums and meet up!

pepe M. said...

you should start writing a column...

how true!!! despite of having evrything, still we nag!

o dear god! you are one hell of a guy! * i told you that million times already*

Kris Bass said...

Bows! Your almighty, you should be declared the God (dess) of the blogosphere!

By the way, I think that you are optimism's wanker! Thick one too!

D said...

Thank you, I can finally stop praying now.

closetalk said...

ewwwwwwwwwwww... why wud ANYONE want to order *shudder* children on ebay?! there are far nicer things to covet, you know.

PS: yes, ure very optimistic. except for the children part.

Piper .. said...

awesome! Loved the part about China and George Bush! You`re one super cool dude! :)

unsungpsalm said...

Wow! This post was practically an attack (on someone else's post. I wonder who.)
However did you come up with it!?!?

I'm sure I've read this writeup somewhere though. Was this in the column titled "Angel Speak" in Issue 2303 of ST?

maxdavinci said...

So that you can delude yourself that you're actually enjoying the foreplay and also fasttrack towards the orgasm

that was just brilliant! Were you drunk when you wrote it? No offence, but being high brings out the best in few...

Crazy Sam said...

You prove again and again that there is no one else but only you to exceed your wittiness. Psychologists should prescribe your blog as medicine for mental depression.

p.s: In fact, I definitely require your "WhipperSnapper Wisdom" for my latest post. :P

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

neha: hehe ... Mrs God screwed up big time ... we need manuals for a lot of things .. specially men who like men ... cause let alone figure them out, most of the time i don't even know who they are ...

dk: glad to hear that you ain't sad ne more .. and happy to know i helped .. :P ...

chandni:i know ... some of your friends are so fat and lazy .... but you should feel lucky to have them .. :P ... thanks for the points .. i shall use them appropriately ...

pepe: thanks but i think my writing is a little explicit for a syndicated column ... :P ... and thank you *never tired of hearing that* and it takes one to know one ..

dr bass: i'll tell you the same thing i told obama when he asked me to be his vp ... i'm happy with my current gig ... :P ..

d: something i said?? *looks around with an expression of bewilderment*

ct: well that's how things were in 1200 bc .... i agree there are much nicer things to covet ... and much much better than kids ...

piper: thank you ... :P ...

usp: Nope. This is no attack. I almost got sad reading everybody's posts so this was a kind of a pep talk for me as well as everybody else. Didn't it come across that way? Maybe I should rethink motivational speaking as a career option.

It was in this week's issue of ST. In the column titled Satan Speaks. Not to be confused with the 8 page photoshoot with John Cena titled Satan Spanks.

maxdavinci: ahh.. no offense taken ... though i wasn't high at that moment, i usually am always a little drunk. In fact, my blood group is Vodka. I do my best work under the influence of some external substance. :P ...

samuel: Thank you Sam . You are so good for my ego ... among other things *ahem*.

Psychologists already prescribe my blog for people who want to kill themselves voluntarily.

Oh, and I wouldn't wish whippersnapper wisdom on anyone :P ...

Firebolt said...

I see you are getting near optimistic. I loved this post. ^_^

And Ramb, about Ellen, I know about and have seen If These Walls Could Talk 2 but I wasn't sure whether it helped her career much. Which is the other HBO special?

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

Erm Whippy, you know I love you and all, but one teeny-tiny q...if Mr.G-d had originally created men who loved men and women who loved women, then what was he doing with a Mrs. G?

Btw...where's the original where we can order babies from? My machinery refuses to put out any more... ;-p