(I may be congratulated, sent gifts including chocolate and/or money, given a blow job my Matt Lanter)
I have never been known to display such self control. Though I still do think about him err..umm...ahem..... sometimes ......ok .....a lot of times ....... fine ....everyday, I can't get his cute fuckin face out of my head .......... happy now? However, no matter how much I think about him, how much I obsess about him, I have NOT tried to contact him. I know it doesn't make any difference in his life, but it makes a huge difference in mine. He's going to be leaving for Uni soon. He'll be gone for two years. Again, not much of a difference because even though we have been in the same city for the past three years, we have not met. I even gave up dropping random hints that we should meet last year.
I once tried to be good friends with a common friend who was close to him? Does that make me a bad person? or that makes me crazier?
For most of last week I was asleep. I'm not kidding. I was usually up only one or two hours for most days. Side effect of some medicine.
Does not liking any sport (only watch football and wrestling for the hot guys) make me more gay?
..... with Gavin ... a year and a half ago ...
Gavin: We have such a good level of understanding, if either of us were a woman, we could've been a couple ....-----------------------------------------------------------
Me: I know.
with John .... last week ...
Me: you're so fucked up .....always looking out for women ...--------------------------------------------------
John: And you're not?
Me: No dude. I ain't lookin for a woman.
John: Are you gay?
John: Then, stay away from me ....
Me: Dude .... Even if I am, you're not my type. I'm way out of your league ...
John: Whatever, what's the plan for tonight?
with Dad ..... last year .......
Me: This author is gay .......Inner voice1: Tell him, tell him right now .....
Dad: So? I think that's his private matter. If he is, good. If he isn't, good.
Me: Uhh-Oh ...ok ........
Inner voice2: No, we're not gay .....
with work colleague 1 (wc1).... last year .....
wc1: That guy is such an asshole......---------------------------------------------------------
me: I know .....
wc1: He's a mofo ... u know he's .....gay ....
me: No, he's not .....just cause you hate him does not give you the right to use gay as an adjective ..
me: Stop being such a bigot .....
wc1: B...but ...uh..h...
me: He's no gay ... he's just the biggest piece of trash walking on God's Green earth ......
wc1: B..but......ahem ....
me: And if you need more expletives or insulting descriptions use Google or let me train you but stop being a jackass and stop calling everyone you hate gay ....
wc1: Okay ..... Fine ...
me: And that shirt is really Gay .....
with Gavin ...... a few years ago .......
Gavin: ... A guy from work is gay ......---------------------------------------------------------
Me: hmmmmm .. So?
Gavin: He was talking to me the other day, and he put his hand on my knee and I got so scared ...
Me: Bro, he's gay ..... He's not Godzilla, he ain't gonna eat you up ....
Gavin: No .... but .... he's g-a-y ..... and so effeminate ...
Me: Stop being such an idiot .... Not all gay people are effeminate and vice versa ....
Gavin: Dunno ...
Me: Chill. Maybe he's just being friendly, ...... stop being such a wuss ....
on yahoo messenger ....... two years ago .....
pm in Gay chatroom ... for the first time ....
og: Top or bottom?
og: Are you a top or bottom?
inner voice: what is this fuck talkin about? ....
close window ...
another pm ....
ag: Hi....tp or btm?
ag: Are you a top or bottom?
inner voice: google it u jackass ......
ok .... wait ... first few results are something about unix ..... no wait something in wikipedia .....top in bdsm ..... wtf is bdsm .... Jesus frigin Christ!! ...No!!... i told you .. being gay is not my thing ... geez .... let's get back into the closet and stay there ......quit gay chat.....quit yahoo messenger ...
*gavin - Best friend from uni
#john - Best friend from school
** we now DO know the proper meaning of top and bottom .. thanks for the interest though ...
and wc1 is so in denial .... lol!!
Top Ten Answers to the question: Why are you Gay?
10. I love using the word "fabulous".
9. Giving something to the Hip-Hop community something to rap about since they are so drained for material.
8. I am the love child of Ann Coulter and Bill O Reily.
7. I wanted to completely annihilate the sacred and sacrosanct institution of marriage.
6. You mean to tell me that when you see Ryan Carnes, you feel nothing?
5. To play a drinking game. Every time someone from the religious right (from any country) says that gays are going to rot in hell, I do a shot of Baileys with err..eh..umm.. Diet Coke.
4. Just taking the phrase "Happy and Gay" too seriously.
3. I really enjoy being the punchline for Larry Craig & Ted Haggard jokes. It's fabulous.
2. I woke up one day and thought to myself, "Hmmm, what can I do to get the whole world against me starting from an early age?".
1. Shit happens. Get over it.
(a) This is all meant in good humor. Any reader who interprets it the other way will be likened to Mike Hukabee.
(b) Yes. I was dropped as a child.
It’s been a long ride, said Tony to Vic, while getting of the train. Vic was getting married tomorrow and Tony was his best man. He had come to be a part of the festivities.
Vic was one of Tony’s best friends. They joined the same company on the same day, the first job for both of them. That had been five years ago. Since then, they had been an inseparable team. They were a team. The star marketing team of ABXY Inc. They were so good, that they could sell ice to an Eskimo. Their colleagues joked that if one of them was a girl, they would be a married couple. What they didn’t know, is that that was very close to the truth. Close, but no cigar.
“Close but no cigar” said Tony. “What?” Vic asked.
“Nothing”, said Tony. “Just thinking about something”.
“Anything I should know?” asked Vic. Tony just shrugged it off.
There is a lot you need to know. But I can’t tell you. Ever. It’s too late now anyway. Oh! You look so handsome today. God, I wish I could kiss you. Just once.
They reached Vic’s house in a after a few moments of silence. Ahhhh! There was so much to say but nothing was said.
Don’t-ask-where was a small town. A charming, small town. With one post office, and one movie theatre. And one hotel. Which was completely booked for the guests of the wedding. Completely booked for the first time in history.
The preparations for the wedding were in full swing. After all, the sone of the house was getting married. The only son of the house. The only brother of three sisters. The whole town was invited. This was don’t-ask-where’s biggest wedding. It would also be its grandest. Or Vic’s dad thought so.
Everybody was excited to meet Tony. After all, he was the groom’s best friend. The next most important person at the wedding. All the girls were excited to meet the rich guy from the-big-city. They all wanted to seduce the groom’s best friend.
Someone would be seduced, alright.
After an hour of introductions, food and flirting, Vic took Tony to his room. Since there were so many guests, and there was a shortage of rooms, Tony would be shacking up with Vic until the wedding night. Then he would either be given another room in the house, or the hotel.“I’m so tired”, said Tony while he threw his bags on the table near the window and went to lie down on the bed, throwing his shoes in one corner. “Hope you don’t mind, Vic”, said Tony with a huge grin. “You’ll never learn, asshole” said Vic with another huge grin. Tony blew him a mock-kiss.
Oh!! How I wish I could kiss you. I would die a happy man.
After all, they were a team. Close but no cigar.
So while Tony was catching up on his sleep, Vic was helping with the wedding preparations. He woke up Tony in the evening. “Get Up, sleepy head. You have a function to attend. Duties to perform. Get you ass out of bed.”
Tony woke up and went to take a shower while Vic was shaving his beard off.
Oh!! I wish I could take you right here, right now.
Close but no cigar.
So they got ready and headed outside. The singing and dancing had already started. You could hear the music all over don’t-ask-where.
The party went on into the wee hours of the morning. Like a valley girl would say, Tony and Vic were like sooooooo wasted. Vic’s cousins helped them into their room. The crashed onto the bed.
Before going to sleep, one of them kissed the other.
Close but no cigar.
So the day of thee wedding was there. The biggest wedding don’t-ask-where had ever seen. People were so busy preparing for the wedding, no one thought to wake up the groom and his drunk best friend.
Finally, they woke up in the afternoon. Someone remembered the kiss.
Close but no cigar.
They were to start getting ready in a few hours. After three cups of coffee and two aspirins, the headache was subsiding.“Good luck man. Hope you have a good, happy married life.” Said Tony to Vic after they reached the venue of the wedding. The don’t-ask-where hotel. The only hotel in don’t-ask-where town.
I wish I was marrying you. Close but no cigar.
Vic was taken to the decked up beautiful stage by the bride’s brothers. After all, he was the guest of honor. Tony was mobbed by the legion of girls from both sides. He was after all, the most eligible bachelor in town at that moment. After all, he was the rich guy from the-big-city. Soon, the bride came and the ceremonies were held. Then the whole wedding party descended upon the dining hall for dinner.After dinner, it was time for the last ceremony.
Tony watched as Vic, the love of his life, was getting married to someone else. He could barely hold back his tears. He would be out of here after the ceremony. He couldn’t stand to watch Vic start his new life. A life he would not be part of anymore. His heart was broken. He needed to go somewhere to repair it. He had resigned from the company. He would be out of Vic’s life forever. Vic didn’t know yet. How could he tell him? I’m leaving because I love you, I can’t stand to see you. How could he? Vic was straight. Tony had applied to the company in
Goodbye Vic, said Tony to himself.
We will always have that Kiss, thought Tony.
Vic watched as Tony walked away. He watched as he saw the love of his life leave as he started a new phase of his life with someone else. A girl he did not love. A girl he didn’t want to marry. Vic could barely hold back his tears. But how could he have told Tony. He is so straight. Vic had resigned his job. He hadn’t told Tony yet. He would let Tony find out on his own. He couldn’t stand being next to Tony and not be able to kiss him, to feel his body next to his. Alas, that would not be. He had applied to that company in
Goodbye, Tony, Vic said to himself.
We will always have that Kiss, thought Vic.They were a team. The best damn team. If one of them was a girl, they would have been married. Close, but no cigar.
So I made an appointment with my barber in the evening, and went back to sleep. I know what you're thinking. Does this guy ever do anything productive? By the time I woke up, the nagging feeling had decreased. My mind had taken over and in it's rational wisdom (which you doubt by now) decided to tone down the crazy. Anyway I was fashionably late by only 45 mins. So my barber mentioned that in passing which made me mentally cut his tip by 25%. So John Edwards. I know.
I asked for a new, crazy bold look, and he ended up giving me an emo look. And I thought to myself "AM I participating in American idol?" Surprisingly, the answer to that was no. So we changed the style again. I wanted the look to say "'MO" not emo. So the barber lost another 15% of his tip. So after a harrowing few hours, we finally achieved something that kinda suits me and also says "Well, You Know, I would like to kiss boys" in a subtle, serene way. After that the barber really praised my eclectic taste. Even though that was fake I actually enjoyed it. (My own personal Monica Geller moment)
I ended up giving him 74.8697% more than his usual tip. So Barack Obama. I know.
Now the purpose of this as-confusing-as-a-Fred-Thomson-speech monologue for an as-insignificant-as-Ralph-Nader-event is that after a long time, I am actually felling like myself again. My self-loathing, anti-social, cynical, skeptical, suffering from a superiority complex, bitchy, under the false impression that I am funny, self. Woo Hoo. Risen from the ashes like Hillary Phoenix Clinton. Thank you, medical marijuana. I hope it lasts more than a day at least.
So, my current state of mind is best described by the following quote from Jerry Seinfeld:
I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
The above blog entry is not approved by any presidential candidate. It is also not an endorsement of any. Except maybe the Democrats.
Any likeness in craziness to Mike Hukabee is merely coincidental in nature and not entirely intended.
Also, the suggestion that any medical substance was used during the writing of this entry is merely metaphorical.
(iv = inner voice)
Scenario 1: When I am about to ping Ryan on the social-networking site
me:- i think that's good, eh?
iv1:- Really? You call that good? Who are you, chief wigam from the simpsons?
iv2:- Nah that's fine. Just send it, it's already been half a fuckin hour. I wanna see some porn.
iv3:- it needs to have some sort of secret gay code....
iv4:- are we aware of any gay subtext?
iv5:- Zack Braff is so hot ......
iv2:- just send it jackass ...
iv1:- No. Make it a little interesting. Ask a question. And the second line is so not funny.
iv3:- remember, don't complement him so much ... we don't wanna scare him off do we...
me:- shut up guys ... im sending it ...
iv1:- well don't come crying back to us ....
me:- fine. (Clicks on send)
iv2:- now let's see some naked boys ....
iv1:- ure such a whore ..
iv2:- ahhhhh. Thanks, bitch.
Scenario 2: Waiting for Ryan's answer
me:- he hasn't replied yet
iv1:- it's been 10 minutes u asshole. Stop checking your mail.
iv3:- i hate to be the voice of sanity here, but maybe he won't reply.
iv2:- dude, don't get him started. I don't wanna hear Cry me a river the whole day.
iv4:- Why? I loveee that song ....
iv2:- You are soo gay ...
me:- haloooo, aren't we all ...
iv5:- If they could get Zack Braff and Justin Long to do it on camera, woudn't that be super?
me:- hey .. he still hasn't replied ......
iv2:- Maybe... just maybe because he has a life ......
me:- fine ... shut up ... all of you ... i'm goin off to sleep
iv1:- It's 10.00 Am asshole ......
iv3:- Dude .... this guy doesn't have a life ...geez louise ..
Scenario 3: On why doesn't Ryan like me ..
me:- Why doesn't he love me like I do?
iv1:- dude you really need a scriptwriter ... Stop stealing lines from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. ......
iv2:- It's probably the total lack of personality ...
iv3:- No ... It's the nose ... the lips aren't that good either ... and the eyes ... Ahem .. it's the whole fuckin face .....
iv4:- Nah .. it's the ass ......
iv5:- maybe he's straight .....
iv1:- dude ... u don't know anything ... just stay in your fantasies ..aright ....
iv5:- No seriously, I mean he can be straight, u never know ....
iv2:- Nope. That's not it. It's the face.
me:- I'm fine as I am. He should accept me warts n all.
iv2:- which warts? You told him about your warts? You're such a fool.
me:- No .. That's a figure of speech.
iv2:- Can you please put the fuckin self help book down. What are you, a pussy?
me:- Hey ..... watch it now ...
iv1:- Yeah .. Please we don't use such language here ..... no reference to female genitalia, it makes us wanna puke ...
iv2:- Fine. What are you, ugly betty? Shut up and get some plastic surgery done ...
iv3:- and while you are at it, the ass can use some work too ...
me:- You guys are crazy. I'm happy as I am. No changes. Shut Up.
iv2:- Put the book down idiot. Go hit the gym.
me:- I'm tired. Maybe tomorrow.
iv4:- Really? Stuffing your face with food and sleeping the whole day can tire you?
me:- Yeah .... I also did some work ......
iv3:- Wanking is not work you asshole.
Me:- Fine. I'll go for a walk. But I'm not going to the gym.
iv1:- Yeah. Whatever.
iv3:- Procrastinating asshole.
iv4:- Guys .. cmon .. give him a break ... Now put on cry me a river ......
me:- well, it tears on my guitar these days ....
iv4:- YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A GUITAR ...
me:- just a song ....
iv5:- James Mcavoy, sounds so hot with the accent ....
Now you know what I'm up against? And no. Please, Put down the phone. I don't need rehab.
10.Get over it, bitch. And stop calling me.
9. Mine is bigger.
8. Can I pay to get your head surgically removed from your ass?
7. You married her!! Now you're screwed.
6. I'm gay!! Got a problem with that?
5. It's called being a whore. And, no, I'm not judging.
4. You should never be allowed to have kids.
3. Be a man for once in your life. Stand up to them.
2. It's called Karma, baby!!
1. Love me, you fool!! LOVE ME!!
Though I wasn't tagged, I tag everyone who reads this post. It's very cathartic. Try it once.
Well, about two and a half weeks ago, while my cousins were over me and my bro had taken them to watch a movie. Well, the movie was horrible, and by the time we came out of the theater, we were quite hungry. However, it was a bit late in the night. So we decided to eat in one of the joints around the theater. So while my suggestions for TGIF and a sushi bar were ruled out my brother saw this new place which had opened up, and which served, what else but Indian food. So we went in their restaurant. Well, it was empty but we could hear music from their nightclub. Since we were with my cousins, my brother went in to see. He came out within a few seconds and told us that we are going someplace else. I was surprised and asked him what's wrong. He didn't say anything but until we were downstairs. So, after being question so much by the others mu brother spilled the beans. He said that there were Gay people dancing in there. I was like WHAT? He said yeah, there were Gay people in there. So I said why did you run out? He said that there were Gay people. I said let's go back there. He said we'll go someplace else.
Then I launched into a speech about homosexuality and homophobia and stuff. So my bro asks me, "Are you Gay?", I answered (quite unconvincingly, I might add) "Are you crazy?". He then said "You are so gay!!". I just smiled weakly. I said I just don't like your phobic attitude and then my cousins changed the subject and we headed to have some Chinese.
So now, as you might ask, why didn't I confirm my brother's suspicion there and then? Well the reason was that my cousins were there with me. And they are the biggest gossip mongers I have ever seen. And they are quite homophobic. And that was not the place. I wanted to tell him one on one.
Having said that, I think on some level my brother knows. Why I say that is because when I saw into his eyes, it was like he knew. Also, a few years ago, when I was in college, he was using my computer and come across a video of naked guys. No it wasn't porn. And some pictures. So he asked me if I was gay and I said I am building a gay website and getting paid for it. There was no website. So, he kind of knows. Plus he hasn't seen me talk about a girlfriend in a long time. And a few months ago, he asked me if I was a virgin and I said something like not been to fourth base with a woman. Something like that. So he HAS to know on some level.
It's not that I don't want him to know. I want everyone I know to know. I don't bother about the consequences. Well, at least sometimes. And I will tell him when it is time. Like when I told my mom. When I had that gut feeling. So when I have that, I will tell him.
But, to my credit, I did NOT get all defensive. I just smiled like a jackass. So here it is, am almost pseudo, coming out.
If anyone's interested, the email is email@example.com .
Remember, no hate mail, just a normal expression of your view. Just a start. It's time for a real change. I usually don't bother so much about anyone else but me, but this is bigger than me. This is bigger than all of us. I have read many people talk about acceptance. Many people write about how they need to be heard; many people write about how we need to become model citizens and break the stereotype. Well it is time to do something about it. Spread the word. Talk to people about it. Make yourself heard. I know it's very cliche and very easy to say things, but change begins with one person. We need to get the message out there. Like it or not, alone or not, I am still going to do something. It's time to walk the walk.
I know I am late in getting to know this, but I just read today about the murder of 15 y.o. Lawrence King because he was gay. Larry, as Lawrence was fondly called, asked a boy to be his valentine, and the boy, so horrified at being asked out by someone of the same sex, shot Larry.
In this day and age, a 15 y.o. boy was shot because he was Gay. Somewhere, somehow there was a message sent to the kid that liking someone of the same sex is so horrible, is so bad, is so miserable, that the person has to be shot.
What gets to me more is that the apathy of the mainstream media in ignoring this.
I read an article by Tanene Allison in the Fog City Journal, about how apathetic the attitude of all the media outlets was.:
Youth groups across the country began holding marches in King’s honor. Details of his death was spread virally on youth-dominated, Facebook. Queer media outlets bubbled over with coverage of the story. The mainstream media remained silent.
Only now, two weeks after King’s murder, is the mainstream media providing coverage of the story. All of those who did not cover the story when it was, well, news, are now covering how it was a story no one else covered either.
The New York Times took four days before running an AP snippet on the murder, and eleven days before they wrote their first story.
MTV News, a leader in coverage of youth issues, ran its first story on King nine days after the murder.
Also, she quotes Anderson Copper's blog who does ask some valid questions:
However, as another writer Dipyan Gupta from the Huffington Post notes, the story was completely cut from the Podcast of the show:
Tonight… we are focusing on a story that hasn’t received the attention it deserves…According to many accounts, he had been bullied repeatedly, and some parents have even claimed students knew of threats to Lawrence’s life. At this point it doesn’t seem clear how much school officials knew of the bullying, but a full investigation needs to be done. If this had been an African-American student bullied by a teenage skinhead, would it have received more attention?
“Would school officials have taken it more seriously if it had been a Christian campus leader attacked by another student because of his/her religious beliefs? I don’t have the answers to those questions, but I do think they are worth asking.
What really gets to me is that it's 2008 and people think it's okay not to report gay issues and or delay or in signify their coverage. The message that the parents, the religious right and the media is sending out is that if someone gets killed just for being gay, just for being true to yourself, just for attempting to be happy and if they get shot, it's not such a bad thing.
Cooper says that his show is going to be looking into the facts surrounding King's murder, and bring on board Dr. Charles Sophy, the medical director of the LA County Department of Children and Family Services. Wonderful! That sounds interesting. I immediately rushed to CNN's site and downloaded a podcast of last night's show. The clip included routine coverage of the impending elections, a section on Ralph Nader, North Korea, and a 4 year-old who sings the Beatles. But Lawrence King and the tragic, confusing circumstances surrounding his death were conspicuously absent.
Now, I realize that when one cuts an hour-long show down to 24 minutes and 27 seconds, some sacrifices must be made. As a former trainee correspondent at CNN's Indian Broadcasting Network (CNN IBN) in New Delhi, I am well aware of the effort that goes into making sure that every show is a balance of serious and feel-good stories. But honestly, excluding this murder from your podcast while giving ample room to a kid singing in his underwear (not to mention the never ending banter between Cooper and Erica Hill)? This, after having just blogged about how the story has been ignored by the press? That's a terrible lapse of judgment.
Ellen DeGeneres also said a few things on her show:
I understand what she means that when she says that being gay is the punchline for many monologues. In fact Jay Leno does a lot of jokes daily in which being gay is the punchline. For many mainstream artists whether they are rappers , comedians being gay is a punchline or a way to dis someone.
I usually do not mind such jokes cause I dismiss them and they don't bother me but when I think about it in context, it really does play a part. When we say it's okay to laugh at someone because of their orientation, it's a bad message we are sending out to a little gay kid in living in a small town surrounded by homophobic people, who is afraid to come out. This is one of the reasons that it takes time for gay people to accept themselves. I remember being at that age and feeling so guilty and so depressed. Now I know that was stupid. But how do we get through to the little kids who are going through the same thing that we did. We need to tell them that it's OK to be yourself, that it's more than OK to try to be happy.
I don't know what I can do but I really am going to do something. I personally do not care whether I get the acceptance of anyone or not. I am fine with who I am, what I want to be and am ready to accept the consequences.
Can we do something?
Yes, we can. We can do a lot of things. We as a community can boycott shows which make being gay a punchline, we can boycott products which they promote. I know it can be insignificant most of the time, but we even one person does something, it goes a long way. I know I'm sounding really idealistic right now, but I will follow through on this. There are a lot of problems in everybody's life. I have suffered in my teens because I was gay. If I can even help one kid live his teen years without the pain, without the anguish, it would be the best thing I could ever do.
To show your support for Lawrence King you can visit http://www.rememberinglawrence.org .
Isn't it mostly superficial? Kind of a facade? We see someone, sparks fly and then we start by saying we have feelings for them which turns into liking them and ultimately we say that we love them. On most occasions we don't act on it. We keep "loving" them but the other person has no idea. The other person has no means to know that each of their actions will be dissected, mulled over and make us arrive at a conclusion. Most of the time, it is left unsaid. We can't act on it for a million reasons. It can be that they may be with someone, or we may presume that they don't have these feelings or they are not right for you etc. etc. Then we start convincing ourselves to get "over" them. We say "Okay, this is not going to happen. That person will not return your love. So get over it. Stop loving them. They are not right for you".
So do we get over them? Does our feeling that were originally there just vanish. Just disappear? Or do we bottle our feelings and keep them in a little compartment in our head and try to find the next target of our unreturned love?
We make up excuses, proses to convince ourselves. We tell ourselves that true love is sacrifice. We tell ourselves that we should be happy for them as long as they are happy. We tell ourselves that if you truly love something, set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant for you if it doesn't then it wasn't meant for you anyway. Really? If it wasn't meant for me, why did I like it in the first go.
We tell ourselves that we are better off without them. We convince ourselves that we don't love them anymore. Then suddenly, out of the blue, they speak to us. Like a whisper in the ear. Then everything comes rushing back. All the emotions. All the feelings. Everything we had kept bottled up. And then we start again .... You're better of without them we tell ourselves, there are many other fish in the sea we remind ourselves. But we lose all that when they talk to us or we see them. Suddenly, they are all we can think about. They spoke to us. They thought about us. The whole dissection process begins again.
And then after a few moments have passed, .......... they are not right for you ........