Why?

It's just not fair. Why do I have to make a choice? Why is it so complicated? And why does it involve your family? It should be my choice. I shouldn't have to pretend to be something I'm not just because they would be devastated or hurt. Why do I have to choose?

Do straight people even realize how hard it is for us just to be us? The pain, the anguish, the suffering we go through? Yearning for someone to hug, to hold hands with? Spending our teenage years in anguish thinking that we are wrong in feeling like this?

Why did God have to make us this way? Why do we have to fight to be accepted? Who the fuck is affected by what we do in our bedroom?

You can berate your wife all day, be lecherous and rape your children, but heaven forbid, YOU SHOULDN'T be GAY !!!!!

Doesn't God see all this? Then why are we made this way? What did we do wrong? What fucking bad thing or bad karma do we have that we have to spend a major portion of our supposed "Happiest time" of our life in anguish and self doubt? Why?
Why? I don't think I can possible understand.

If we had to be like this, why did it have to be such a homophobic world? Why do we have to fight to get same rights as "normal" people? Who the fuck defines "Normal"?

Scary Thought ...

I almost came out to my mom yesterday. Yeah, that was scary. I almost blurted it out about 4 times. It would've been so easy. I know she will be fine with it. But she will be devastated. So I didn't want to spoil the holidays for her. I've already told her that I'm not into marriage and stuff.
I actually don't wanna marry a chic. Don't wanna spoil any body's life for my happiness. And I don't think Gay marriage is gonna be legal in my country in the near future. And anyway, I have lots to achieve before I get married. Though most of my friends and peers my age are married. And no one can pressure me into something. My parents won't and I'm not bothered about anyone else anyway.

I don't even have a guy next to me or in the horizon and I'm talking about marriage!! Maybe it's the holidays talking!!!!

It really gets hard around the holidays. Being single and alone. And everywhere one goes there is love, love, love, which really pisses me off more. And right now I don't fell like seeing any of my friends. I mean the ones that I have left. I guess I'll be a little better in the new year!! Hopefully. I'm trying to change myself.

Strange Coincidence ...

So I was thinking (yeah, that is a little tricky sometimes), and I came across this strange coincidence.

This is between my first girl crush and first real guy crush (Ryan) .....

(a) Both of them share the same last name
(b) Both of them were bespectacled
(c) Both of them were the same height
(d) Both of them broke my heart
(e) I wrote a blog to get over both of them
(f) The girl was my first year of college and the guy was in the first year of my job

Wow!! I never realized that. And no ... it doesn't mean I'm bi .. I'm Gay (I love saying that now .. hehe). I loved the girl but never really found her sexually attractive!!! Go figure!!! But I'm glad the thing with the girl happened cause that helped me grow up and mature.

Random Thoughts ...

I'm so glad to have this blog to write about what I feel. I wonder why I didn't start it sooner. I guess things happen cause when they are supposed to.

I sometimes wonder why is it so difficult to for gay people. Not that I have any idea except what I feel and what I've read on blogs. I don't know the first thing about being gay. All I know is that I am gay. I guess that is all I am supposed to know!!! And I can't bring myself to believe that the gay community is all Will & Grace !! In fact I haven't met anybody gay (not that I know off) in my life yet. My gaydar also sucks. It beeped for Ryan so I guess it sucks.

I can't share any of this with my friends. And anyways I don't get to see most of my friends anyway. I drifted apart from my school gang while at Uni and I seemed to have drifted apart from my Uni gang. I have a best friend each left from my school days and Uni days, with whom I have hung out most of the time over the past two years. They are supposed to be my best friends. Both alpha-male !!! . I've had other friend at the offices I have worked over the past few years but both of them have been my friends over thick and thin. With one I've done all the high school firsts (like first drink, first girlfriend, first fight etc.) and with the other I've done all the college firsts. So both have been important in different phases of my life and I don't want to lose either. I know what there is to know about each of them and they think they know all about me but I guess they don't know a lot.

And now I'm in the danger of drifting apart from both. One has gotten married and the other has a job which keeps him very busy and we now rarely speak with each other.

I never invested in other friends cause I used to be busy with work a lot and whatever time I had I usually spent with either of them.

We have so many memories with each other it'll be sad to lose them.

Ironically, I've helped both of them in their respective relationships. I've always dispensed (not to blow my own trumpet) pretty sane advise. They have always turned to me for advise on relationships, work, how to treat a particular chic, how to handle heartbreak etc etc.

I've also had a lot of female friends over the years. In fact I've had different ones for different phases of my life. I used to have a pretty good social life im college. I guess it all came apart after that. But right now what I really want are some gay friends. Someone who I can tell everything, put my head on their shoulder, someone who will hug me and assure me that it's going to be ok. I guess that's not happening soon.

Two years ago I tried to make some friends online but all I got was top/bottom questions(at that time I didn't even know what that meant and I actually googled it!!!!!!hehe) and people who wanted a fuck buddy. I just once had short chat session with two sweet gay guys responding to a post I had posted in a forum. So that is all the gay contact I seemed to have had.

Wow!! I'm so glad to have this blog to listen to me .....

Him ... Who??

Let's call the guy I like, nay I LOVE, whom I'm trying to get over because I've really let the candle burn too long, Ryan.

So Ryan and I really hit it off when we met. As I've said before, I guess I fell for him the minute I saw him. Untill then I knew I was gay, but I never had such a moment. I'd like guys before or lusted guys before but this was like KAPOW!! Well we got to know each other and over the next few weeks we really hit it off and became good friends. We used to hang out the whole day together (at work) and talk on the phone while going home or while at home or keep IM'ing each other.
I sometimes used to totally lose myself in front of him and once I called him "baby" in front of lots of people. No one noticed or even if they didn't no one said anything. (See this is strange cause I'm a total straight guy in front of everyone, and I play the part VERY WELL).

He used to send me mixed signals like feeling up my legs and saying "Nice cloth on your trousers" always buddying up with me during our training and then talking about chics or something. So I was always confused.

He once played a gay part in a play during our training, and we used to exchange a lot of "your're" gay banter with each other. There were a lot of mixed signals. Dunno if they actually were mixed signals or I'm reading too much into them but I always got this vibe from him.

So after a few months he left the company to pursue his studies and we only had two long conversations after that. Once over the phone and once in person. Then we used to exchange infrequent emails. Now over the past year, all we do is post one or two messages on each other's profile on a social networking site.

I haven't seen him for the past three years. I never let myself think about him because I immersed myself into work. It's that ever since I have been off work I just can't stop thinking about him. And It's driving me crazy. Now he's going to go to Uni in another state. And I think we're gonna lose touch forever.

I'm trying my best to get over him but it is an uphill task. Not that I can do anything about it. I've wanted to go and tell him, but I just can't. I cannot risk being outed right now. He'll always be the one who got away. Or maybe we'll cross our paths one day. I guess I'm a hopeless romantic.

So, Ryan, I know u'l never know and I can never say this to your face, I love you. I wish you the best for your life and hope that you find love, someday. Even if it's not me. Goodbye Ryan. Goodbye.

Finally .... Saying it for the first time

I was going through various blogs on the internet and found out that there are a lot of other people that are going through the same as me. And a lot of them have done something which I never have. Thought about it all the time but never have. Coming out. Never. To anyone. No one on planet earth knows that I'm gay. I was even reluctant to write that in my blog initially but since this is supposed to be my confessional, I'd like to go ahead and say it. Okay. Here goes. I'M GAY.

Wow. It feels good. I have at least written it down somewhere. I'm Gay. Really. It feels good to say it somewhere. To be really myself in front of someone. It fees good to get it out after more than two decades of existence.

And among other things:

(a) I have never had a Gay relationship
(b) Never talked about it with anyone
(c) None of my friends know or suspect
(d) Can't talk about this with anyone I know
(e) Never even had sex with a girl
(f) A few years ago, I had two intimate moments (can't call it sex) with a good friend (who is now STRAIGHT and in another country)

So I've been in relationships, but with women. I've like them, maybe loved them but I have never LOVED them. I've had gay crushes but I have never acted upon it.
I currently have this huge crush (almost 3 years) on a friend with whom I have now become a distant acquaintance. I am trying to get over him. It is unlikely that I will come out to the people I know because mostly no one will understand it and I might lose most of my friends.

Hopefully one day I can be free and tell the world, until then this secret would remain with me and now on this blog. But it's good to finally get it out. Thank you WWW.

No matter how hard I try, just when I think I am moving on something happens that I just get pulled back in the maze. I keep doing things which remind me of him. It can be a TV program, something on the internet, seeing two people together. I don't wanna wallow in the pain and sadness but I still keep getting reminded of him. And the universe keeps sending me mixed signals. Yesterday I had to retrieve an old text from my older phone and I found the texts he had sent me and I just couldn't stop reading them. Then I had sent him a text wishing him for Christmas but it didn't go through. Then I saw a program on TV with a similar storyline and I just couldn't stop thinking about him.

But I think's it's okay. I don't think I'm supposed to feel perfectly okay so early I guess. It's okay to yearn, it's okay to feel the pain, it's okay to get reminded of him in every little thing, it's okay to feel a little sad when you see a couple. I guess it's just part of the process. I think I need to stop blaming the universe or him or even myself. I just need to let the healing process take it's time.

I need to stop thinking about mixed signals or any signals and I need to stop the What Ifs' and the maybe's and the why not's. I need to live with the fact that it's never gonna happen. Period. Nada. Chances of it happening = Zilch. Even as I type this, there is still a tiny little part in me which says that it can be and it would feel so right. If it had to happen, it already would've. I need to stop torturing myself and move on with my life. Stop living in the past and hoping for a miracle. I need to stop doing this to myself. I need to start living for me again. I need to stop trying to be miserable and wallowing in misery. I need to be me again. I need to ask God to help me find the strength inside me to get through this once and for all.

I will be whole again. I will be funny again. I will be in love gain. I will face heartbreak again and again. But it's better to be miserable in love than just be plain miserable. I haven't felt this in a long time. Last time it happened it helped me grow. I guess something good just might come out of it this time too. Trying to be an optimist here.

I have been closed emotionally for the past few years and haven't really been true to myself. This incident has helped me to open up emotionally. I have kept my feelings bottled up for the past 14-15 years. This is the first time I've ever written down anything. It feels good to be true to at least somewhere. To the world I may appear to be happy and having it all together, but I know the pain and torture I go through inside. It's like living undercover. There is no one out there who knows the real me. I guess each of my friends know me as a different person. Only this blog knows my truth. It doesn't offer much advice or counsel but it feels good to get all this out. It really seems so strange. In this era of communication, we are the least communicative.

Labels ...

Suddenly over the past few weeks I've been having this thing for all things British.
I've already been watching a lot of British Sitcoms like and Keeping Up Appearances, Fawlty Towers and My Family over the past few weeks. And now, I just realized today that I've been listing to a lot of British music acts like Oasis, Artic Monkeys and Mattafix. In fact now that I think about I've really moved towards more classic and Indie Rock from Alternative/Metal in the past few weeks. What's happening? Maybe I'm aging (in my 20's?). Ha! Who knows! I've really started digging Mattafix. They seem to be the next Plain White T's. I just my they DIY side of my personality is taking over. And it reflects in my taste of entertainment. Though it had always been there, but it's more active now.

Not that I decry everything mainstream, I still enjoy a lot of mainstream music. In fact it was all Rolling stones and Bob Dylan yesterday!! Usually I enjoy a little bit of all types of music. Even 0.0001% of pop music (I did listen to "Sexy Back .." a bit!!).

I guess I need to stop putting labels on Music and hear it for what it is. It all depends on the mood you are I guess. If I like something I just don't not listen to it cause it's a genre that I don't particularly listen to. So, what's the point of all this really? Shouldn't the same apply to life?

5 Things ...

Since I'm in the mood for confessions, I got this rad (yes, some people still use this word) idea of writing down 5 things that I claim that I have done but I actually never have:

5. Completed reading The Count of Monty Christo
4. Like Cricket (As in I actually hate it !!)
3. Hit on someone in a Bar
2. Smoked Weed
1. A Threesome (!!!!)

Wow ..... Hehehehe ....Such a weird list ..... Very hard to compile though :) :) !!

Get Over IT!!

If we are face with adversity we look for strength inside us. I guess if I look within myself (metaphorically speaking), I will find strength to face this. But, how does one actually look within themselves?

Anyway, I think my problems are quite trivial compared to what a lot of people in the world are going through. There are people with REAL problems out there. Like a single parent working two jobs, a battered wife facing her husband's wrath, a father whose son is fighting in the war, a mother waiting for her lost child to come home, a family who have to move out of their home . My issues are nothing compared to that. So I think I need to stop boo-hooing and get the fuck over it!!

I pray to God to give all the people with real problems in their life the strength and courage to fight the pain and emerge stronger. OM OM OM ....

My Top 10 Rock Songs Right Now ...

Nothing can lift your spirits more than Rock n Roll!!

Here are some of the songs that really hit the spot today. Might not be my all time favorites but they really did it for me today. Somy top 10 for today are:

10. Doris Day - Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps
9. Mammas and Pappas - California Dreamin
8. Barry White - Ain't No Sunshine when she's gone
7. Elvis Presley - Jailhouse Rock
6. Bob Dylan - Stuck in the middle with you
5. Rolling Stones - Get off my Cloud &&&& Mattafix - Living Darfur
4. Mattafix - To & Fro
3. Rolling Stones - Brown Sugar
2. Rolling Stones - I Can't get no Satisfaction
1. Bob Dylan - Like a Rolling Stone

This can only happen to me!!! I found a great new band today and the lead singer looks like him!!! Haha!! Really what is the universe trying to tell me? Twist of fate .. Twist of fate, baby!!

That's another band to the list. He recommended Green Day to me and I started listening to Pink Floyd because that's his favorite band!! Gawd!!

This takes me back to the first day I saw him. I remember, the minute I saw him, I knew. That was both our first days to our first jobs. Luckily we both ended up in the same training group. Nine weeks of training and man, I kept on falling, without even knowing it. Then we ended up in the same team. Wow .... But then he abruptly left because that wasn't his cup of tea.

We had really hit it off and were talking almost the whole day and then on the phone. I realized that I had a soft corner for him but I didn't know that it would snowball into this.

Of course, I never told him. I couldn't.

All we have now is one or two messages that are exchanged over some social networking site every month or two.

I always got that vibe from him. Ha!! Wishful thinking, I guess!!

Pretty soon, he's going to go away to uni. And then the last glimmer of hope will be gone with him.

I don't know what's right or wrong. All I know that I can't keep the candle burning anymore and that I need to pull myself out of this mess.

I just can't stop thinking about him. It's as painful as a permanent wound. I just can't stop. I go forward in the direction of getting over this but then something pulls me back in again.

What kills me most is that I can't just walk up to him and tell him. It is so complicated. Even if I did, it would be disastrous. BIG TIME. I try to convince myself that he feels the same, but in my hearts of hearts I know he does not. His liking and my liking are like apples and oranges. I want to shout out from rooftops but I can't. This is the only place where I can even talk about it. It's just rotting inside me. It makes me want to give up everything here and go somewhere else. All I want is to forget him. Get him out of my mind. Out of my life. So i can move on. Go ahead with my life.

Right now it seems that my life has come to a standstill. I want to fight with God for this but that's not something I can do. I just want to howl away a the top of my voice. I hate everything that makes me feel this way. I am tired of fighting my own self.

It's not easy being the my true self. I can't talk about this with anyone. I am trying to handle this on my own and all that is happening is that I am sinking and sinking and sinking.

I did it!!! I resigned!! I don't know what came over me .... I just did it. I just can't believe it ....

I feel so free ...... It's like I am not answerable to anyone for my life .... I have it back ......

I know I will go back to work ... But not under the present circumstances . I want some issues to be sorted out first. But it feels real good to have done that !!!! Hehe ..

I'm sure to receive something from my office in a day or two. There it goes. I'l be forgotten in a few days if not minutes. I know I should go and resign. That's all my dad says to me these days. He seems obsessed with trying to get me to resign. I told him off today morning. It felt real good to get it all of my chest. He won't be talking to me soon, so I won't be hearing that from him for a while!!

Though there is a reason I don't wanna go and resign right now. The people in my office have sucked the life out of me and I want them to suffer. Though they are not suffering at all, just staying home and not talking to anyone in the office gives me some satisfaction. Though before I leave them I hope I can give them an earful.

Today I can't even mask my fear with another book. Trying to complete reading The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. I can't seem to concentrate. But I can stop thinking about him for a little while. I guess writing your thoughts down does have a somber effect. I hope and pray that phase 1 has been launched. I need to stop letting him drive me crazy. I mean I can't act upon it. And three years is a long time. I'll also try to stop trying to communicate with him. That'll make it a little easier. I know I can't act upon it. And I need to stop walking on this path of self destruction.

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

And there I sat waiting for the letter from my office. Will they send me the notice?

I am or rather was a rising star. But I haven't risen that far yet. And I have a lotta enemies pulling for it behind my back. But things don't run so smoothly without me! Or do they. Don't know the answers to these questions yet.

It's that sinking feeling inside. I keep on reading because I don't want to think about my life. I don't wanna concentrate on my problems. A fictional character's problems will make great reading right now. It helps me forget about him.

Sinking myself into work for the past three years has helped me not to think about him. But right now, sitting at home for the past two almost agonizing months, he's all I have been thinking about.

Specially in the past two weeks. I just wanna shout, run scream do anything that takes away the gut wrenching pain of not having him. I can't. I know it's not lust. It's love. I just yearn to hold his hand. To walk in the cold with him. Hold him in my hands. But that's not going to happen. I can't tell him. It'll even take away the last bit of friendship we have left. I don't know what will help me get him out of my mind. But I need to. I can't put my life and career on hold. I used to scoff and belittle people who acted like this. And now I am one of them. The irony of life.

Sometimes I just wanna cry. LOUD. VERY VERY LOUD. Will it help? I don't know. I don't know what will. All I know that time is running out and I need to get my life together. I can't keep postponing my life to continuously brood over him. I can't. I just can't.