We’re here, we’re queer, get over it!

One silver lining out of this whole nightmare brought on by the supreme curt is that the voice of the LGBT community and its straight allies is finally being heard. The images from the global day of rage are just-pardon my french-fucking awesome.

We’re not a community that will tolerate being put under siege anymore. We will stand up and fight for our rights. We will not let a few homophobes take away our rights. We will stand and shout and gently give you nice suggestions about the places where you can stuff your homophobia in. (We’re gay, remember? According to you, we’re supposed to know this stuff!)

Here are some of the places where you can see pictures of yesterday’s protests:

1) Orinam.net (@chennaipride on twitter)

2. Hysterical Feminist

3. And Buzzfeed, which contains my favourite image:

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

You’ve come a long way, baby!

It has been bought to my notice that lately, this blog has been focussing a lot on Winter. I hadn’t really noticed. Although, to be fair, I don’t notice many things. Once, when I was a kid, I didn’t notice that an actual monkey was biting my hand. I only realized that when all the other kids started running away from me. Hey, don’t blame me. It was my birthday, and all I could think about was cake.

As it was obvious from my last post, Winter isn’t a huge part of my life anymore. Not that he was for a long time. But I could only write about it once I was over it. I did spend a few months sequestered from the rest of the world trying to get over him last year (how is that different from my usual sequestering? Well, firstly, I had a beard. No, not a fake girlfriend, an actual beard. I KNOW! Secondly, lots of baths were avoided! HEY, I WAS AN EMOTIONAL WRECK, I WAS ALLOWED TO SMELL LIKE A HOBO. And, thirdly, needless to say, there was lots of food involved. Lots and lots of it. Hey, wait a minute, you’re right. That is no different from my usual sequestering. Sigh.).

However, I’m still glad it happened. For one, my unrequited feelings were wasted on a gay guy! So, PROGRESS! I also learnt what all not to do when you’re trying to date someone. Previously, before I came out, whenever I had a crush on someone, I used to get really douchey around them. Like belittle their life choices, roll my eyes at their hilarious joke and generally make them feel small and unwanted. Granted, I still do that to everybody, but this was with an extra zing. Like putting chilli flakes on your jalapeno dip, if you know what I mean.

Thanks to Winter, I am not a total nervous wreck around new, potential mates [Tip #1: DON’T CALL THEM THAT TO THEIR FACE. SEE, I’M LEARNING!]. Not that there have been many opportunities. As if being fat wasn’t enough of an albatross around my neck, I am also jobless and have cheeto breath. Strangely, that is not what a lot of people are looking for! Even freaks avoid me!

Winter probably deserves some of the credit in my finally leaping out of the closet. When I realized what I felt for him, shit got real. It feels strange to think and talk about now, but it was the first time I actually felt like I was gay. The way I could relate to Winter, I could never ever have that with a woman. Or a straight guy.

I know these things come easy to some people, but when I think back to a time when I was terrified of expressing how I felt about a guy, even to myself and then I remember how nonchalantly I referred to Winter as “babe” in public, I realize how far I’ve come.

I once gave a gay friend a really hard time when he told me that love was not all about sex. I chided him for his naiveté, because I really was that cynical. And then, this whole Winter thing hit me and I realized that it really was not about the sex. I had never been able to connect with someone like I was able to connect with him.

I always used to scoff at all those stupid people in love with their puppy dog eyes and their doing things for each other that they wouldn’t do for anyone else and thinking that every song is about them but ZOMG! I was one of those stupid people with puppy dog eyes walking around assuming that every song was about me and doing things for Winter which I could never imagine doing for another human being!

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I was ….er……umm…cough….ahem…cough.... wrong.

 

 

 

Just don’t tell anybody I said that!

Some things are not over even after the fat lady has sung!

I thought I wouldn't write any more posts about 'coming out' cause I am so over it. I assumed that I had left those days behind in 2009.

However, one day while watching something on the telly, it dawned on me that I would be 'coming out' (advertently/inadvertently) for the rest of my life so why not.

I would be coming out everytime I meet someone new and they ask me about my girlfriend (this is why I simply don't like meeting new people). I would be coming out everytime one of my "friends" on facebook read the favourite music' (Gaga + Glambert among other things) section on my profile and put two and two together. I would be coming out to complete strangers when they see me cavorting with my future boyfriend (who I think will probably always remain hypothetical. But that's a whole another post.) in public.

And that is fine by me. I made my peace with that a long time ago.

It would have been easier if I had a youthful gayface like David Archuleta, but nobody's perfect, I guess.

I had told my sister a few weeks after I told my Dad. There wasn't a lot of drama there, she just said that she just wanted me to be happy. She told my bro-in-law last week. So that completes all the adults in my family.

But to me the big one was my brother, who I happen to casually come out to a few months ago. I finally spelled it out for him and confirmed his worst fears. 

I told him that I don't like teh vajayjay (I call it that not because I can't say V_g__a, but because lady reproductive parts gross me out. No offense, I'm sure all you ladies out there must find it useful, say for holding a pen or twittering or something).

To say he was shocked is sort of an understatement.

However, the whole thing took an unexpected turn.

I was expecting accusations, anger and animosity.

I got none of that.

He was pretty nice about it.

Him and me actually sat down and had a long conversation about it. On top of that, he wanted me to tell him all the details (like since when I have known etc.).

For a while, he was just my big brother!

It was like I was eight again and he was warning the mean fifteen year olds down the street that if they bully me they would have to deal with him or I was in school and he personally drove me to my exam centre instead of letting me take the driver because he knew how nervous I was and would probably throw up on the way and would appreciate having someone familiar tell me that it;s going to be okay. Or he was the same guy who was surprised that his 'little' teenage brother was buying Eminem CDs which had an 'explicit lyrics' warming on the jacket.

So it was perhaps our most adult conversation ever. I told him about my boy crushes. managed to explain the term 'fag hag' to him and even discussed my idea of the future with him.

When I said to him that one day I would move away and leave everyone else in peace so that they don't have to deal with the consequences of me wanting to be who I am, he actually got angry and told me that I was stupid to think that and just because I am gay he or anyone else in the family would love me any less. And that I am still the same brother he's always had, except with a little bit more metaphorical glitter!

To say that I was flabbergasted would be an understatement.

Ever since I've known that I was gay, even back when I was in denial, I use to try to push my family away. I sort off convinced myself that I was doing it for them, so that it would eventually make it easier for them to forget me. However, that was me, trying as always, to make things easier for me.

I can't even begin to describe how wrong I was. However, they couldn't have been more understanding And it makes my heart break that I used to think that they would have been anything but.

I'm not the easiest person to like. But, somehow, my family has been doing it for all these years. And will continue to do it, despite my best efforts.

I know that a larger battle looms ahead. However, the freedom to be me ALL the time, not having to hide who I am from the people closest to me, is a precious gift that I’m glad to have.

So here I am, closing the door to my closet from the outside, thinking of the long time it took for this day to come, and then wondering what all the fuss was about!

Let's just leave it at that!

A week after I came out to my Dad, guess who calls me up?

S-Girl.

Remember her?

Yup.

She called me.

Again.

I had already ignored 9,999 of her previous calls, therefore I decided to pick this one up. What can I say? I'm nice like that, sometimes.

So we chat for five minutes, ignoring the literal elephant in the room (hey, I was looking into the mirror).

She then declared that she wanted to meet.

I immediately regretted picking up her call. I just spoke to her after a long time of ignoring her calls, and now she wanted to meet? I then realized that this is a woman who has no sense of boundaries at all. The memory of all the really horrible things she had told me about herself a few years ago came puking back.

She clearly told me that if I did not meet her she would stand outside my house and shout out cuss words in victorian english, so I was left with no choice but to meet her.  Although, to be safe, I asked her to meet me in my family home, so that there would be witnesses just in case things got a little bit out of hand. I'm smart like that, sometimes.

Anyways, time passes too fast, the metaphorical clock ticks away to five, and I ask my Mom to make sure that my precious books are distributed according to the list I have prepared, just in case I am unable to "survive" this meeting. Of course, my Mom thought I was just being a tad melodramatic. I guess I can't blame her for that. I am the same person, who, a few months ago forced her get rid of half the plants in her garden because I felt like they were too judgemental. It might sound a little crazy, but under circumstances will I be judged in my own home. At least not by those green, freeloading basteds.

Right. Moving on.

The bell rings, I pray to the almost empty bottle of Vodka on the table to keep me out of harm's way, and then I go to open the door to meet her.

Okay, fine. I didn't exactly open the door myself, I might have 'politely' asked someone from the household help to do it, just in case she was carrying a weapon. Hey, they're poor and they live in a third world country. Their lives are probably less valuable.

So let's not lose focus here, people. 

After the door is opened, S-Girl enters the house. She has the aura of a lame serial killer from a Dan Brown novel. We sit down, she makes small talk. I continue to nod constantly, while also trying to be alert enough to watch out for any sudden movements.

The conversation keeps moving while my pea sized heart tries to exit via my mouth.

S Girl: You know, we really should finish what we started a few years ago.
Me: What?
S Girl: *head tilt* You know what I'm talking about . . .
Me: No, I have no idea. I have trouble remembering things. I drink a lot, remember?
S Girl: (Moving closer) Let me remind you then . . .
Me: (getting up) I'M mmmmmm GAYYYYYY . . . VERY GAY . . . . GAYER THAN A HUGH GRANT MOVIE . . .
S Girl: What?????????
Me: Yes. I'm gay. I like boys. Not girls. Don't like girls. I mean, I like girls, but just not in that way.
S Girl: But . . . how can you be gay? . . .
S Girl: Look at you . . . you're wearing Reeboks with corduroy jeans? What's up with that?
Me: Well, I haven't entered the being fabulous phase yet.
Me: Still working on that.
S Girl: Seriously? I hope so, for your sake.
S Girl: Only redneck farmers and 90 year old Belgian grandmothers are allowed to have so much facial hair.  
S Girl: Also, that tub of lard needs to go.
Me: Hey, I just haven't shaved in a while.
Me: And that's not a tub of lard, bitch. That's my stomach.
S Girl: Just letting you know stuff, buddy.
Me: Might I remind you that you were the one who was about to KISS ME a few minutes ago?
S Girl: Yeah, but I'm a married Indian woman. I take whatever I can get.
Me: I hate you, you know!
S Girl: Ha. Fine. Tell me something I don't know.
S Girl: So, since when have you known that you're a pole smoker?
Me: Offensive, bitch.
Me: And I guess I've known since as long as I can remember.  
S Girl: Ummmm, were you gay when we were going out? 
Me: We were never 'going out', per se. 
S Girl: Well, you know what I mean!
Me: Yeah, okay.
Me: Well, I did know, I guess, but I was deep in denial at that time. 
Me: Although, now that I think about it, you probably might have helped me confirm it.
Me: I might have been confused, but after our whole thing, I was pretty damn sure I was a 'mo.
Me: Don't wanna be rude, but you might have even turned me . . . hahaha
S Girl: *Looks like a piñata got stuck up her cervix*
S Girl: WHAT. DID. YOU. MEAN. BY. THAT?
Me: Just a joke. Kidding. I had a drink during lunch. Lighten up. Take a deep breath.
Me: Cookie?
S Girl: So you're definitely gay?
Me: Yup. I am. Thankfully.
S Girl: Yeah. Sure. What a "loss" to straight woman. Boo fucking hoo.
Me: Yeah, that's rich, coming from a desperate housewife.
S Girl: Touché.
Me: Thank you, madam.
S Girl: So you like boys, huh?
Me: Yeah.
S Girl: Then stay away from my husband. *stupid grin* hahahaha
Me: Please, even if he is the last man on earth, I'd never hit on that sad little fucker.
S Girl: WHY? what's wrong with him?
Me: Errrrr, nothing.
S Girl: Is it the hair? Or the moustache? Or the mole?
Me: NOTHING. He seems like a nice guy.
S Girl: It's the hair isn't it?
S Girl: Or is the way he talks?
Me: Okayyyyy. Let's just leave it at that, please? Great. Thank you.
Me: So the weather is being such a bitch, isn't it?
S Girl: Is it because of the way he laughs? Does it makes you want to join a cult, too?
Me: So have you read Wolf Hall yet? I'm hearing good things about it.
S Girl: Why wouldn't you want to do my husband?
Me: Cause he is your frikin husband!! Does that mean anything to YOU?
S Girl: Meh. He's probably gay, anyway.
Me: EXCUSE ME??
Me: WHAT??
S Girl: Nothing.
S Girl: I think I'd better leave.
Me: Yeah. That would be for the best.

(Then I went to see her off, so as to make sure she doesn't come back)

Me: So this was fun.
S Girl: *Silence*
Me: Nice catching up with you.
S Girl: (gets into car)
Me: We should do this again sometime.
S Girl: (closes door, starts engine)
Me: Give my best to your husband.
S Girl: (speeds away, hopefully never to be seen again!)

 

Do you think I might have touched a nerve, somewhere?

Even if I did, well, she started it.

. . . One huge step for Whippersnapperkind Part 2

I never thought this day would come so soon. I had promised myself not to end 2009 without telling my Dad, but I spent most of the year ignoring that.

However, for the past month, I've had this intense feeling in the pit of my stomach (that's where my brain is I think. What can I say? I'm a medical marvel!) that I need to come out to my Dad.

This past week, I had almost come out to him but I didn't because he had some stuff going on with his sister. I thought I would wait for the right time. But, then I figured that it would never be a right time and that I would just have to bite the bullet and tell him the truth.

So day before yesterday, I decided that it was D-day. I gave my Mom a heads up, and then waited for my Dad to come home from his office.

Me: Dad, I need to talk to you.
Dad: Okay.

We head to my room.

Me: Dad, there is something important I need to tell you.
Dad: Wait, let me guess, your girlfriend's pregnant.
Me: No, Dad. I don't have a girlfriend.
Dad: So your ex-girlfriend's pregnant?
Me: No, Dad, no one's pregnant.
Dad: So you've been offered a job.
Me: No, Dad. No one's that crazy. Or that desperate.
Dad: Don't say that. There are lots of people like that out there. At least I hope.
Me: Okay, Dad I can't keep having this conversation again and again.
Me: I'm not looking for a job.
Me: Now, can we move on?
Dad: Sigh. Yeah, sure.
Me: Dad, I need to tell you something which I have been keeping secret for a long time.
Dad: Is this about that time you and your friends were almost caught by the police for being underage and drinking in your car and you bribed your way out of it?
Me: You knew about that?
Dad: Pretty much.
Dad: Your friends Dad had called me and told me about it.
Me: Uh-ok.
Dad: What do you think the great lecture of '98 was all about?
Me: Okay, so that was what you were talking about when you said that I wouldn't be able to "bribe my way out of everything and that I need to stop fooling around like that".
Dad: Yeah, what did you think I was talking about?
Me: Oh, I thought you were talking about when I tried to smuggle my mathematics answer sheet out of the classroom because I didn't know the answer to any question.
Dad: You tried to do what?
Me: Ahem. Nothing. Can we move on now?
Me: And will you please stop guessing?
Dad: Okay, what is it you want to tell me?
Me: *Silence*
Dad: Yeah, go on . . .
Me: *Silence*
Dad: If you don't speak now I'll start guessing again . . .
Me: Okay, Dad, this is not easy for me to say what I was going to say.
Dad: Did you "forget" to pay your credit card bill again, for six months?
Me: No, Dad, there is something else.
Dad: Then, do me a favour and tell me what's on your mind.
Me: Okay . . . .  Dad . . . . . . I, ummmmm, don't like, mmmmmmmmmmmm
Dad: You don't like what?
Me: Dad, I don't like girls.
Dad: What do you mean?
Dad: Do you like boys, then?
Me: Yeah, sort off.
Dad: That's sad.
Me: In what sense?
Dad: You do know this is a disease, right?
Me: What, being gay?
Dad: Yeah.
Me: What are you talking about, Dad?
Dad: Well, you should see a psychiatrist.
Me: Look, Dad, I'm not asking you for advice.
Me: It's how I was born.
Me: I could have gone my whole life without telling you and there was no way you could have found out.
Me: I'm not asking for your blessing or anything. I'm basically telling you that this is how it is.
Me: And I would expect someone as educated as you to keep an open mind.
Dad: See, I'm not forcing you to do anything. Just giving you my opinion.
Dad: It's your life, and your choice.
Me: Thanks.
Me: If you feel ashamed of me, I will move out in a few months or whenever I get a job.
Dad: You really don't need to do that.
Me: What, get a job?
Dad: No, move out.
Me: Oh, it's good that you said that. I wasn't gonna move out anyway and it would have been really awkward ...... for you.
Dad: *no reaction*
Me: So I guess we're not ready to joke about it yet.
Dad: *Gets up to leave*
Me: begin sarcastic tone\ Sorry for being such a disappointment. /end sarcastic tone
Dad: *Opens door to leave, looks back* No, there is nothing like that.
Me: *shrugs*

It wasn't as bad as I expected. He didn't shout or say anything really mean. And he was probably shocked, to say the least. But I am glad I told him. It was time. Even though I think he wishes that I rather had a pregnant girlfriend, I think it's going to be fine.

He's going to do what he usually does when I take decisions which he does not agree with (basically, ALL of them). a) Sulk b) Blame my Mom for "encouraging" me c) Fire someone in his office d) Begrudgingly get on board Team Ramby.

It took me such a long time. It's only fair I let him take his. 

Anyways, the important thing is that now, there would be no more secrets. No more half-truths. No more use of ambiguous words like "partner", "fellow-human" and "casual friend".

I guess the truth does set you free!

Hallelujah!

Although, I still am never going to tell him what really happened to his car in January 1996. That secret is going with me to the grave. Or whatever weird vegan ceremony I'm going to have when I finally log out and pass on to the big blogosphere in the sky.

India's second tryst with destiny

I always wondered what it would have been to be an Indian pre-1947. Being born into the country decades after the British had left the country, I always wondered the euphoria the people would have felt at the stroke of the midnight hour on 15 August 1947, when the world slept while India awoke to life and freedom.

Perhaps it is the same feeling that I felt yesterday. While the rest of the country was freed of colonial rule on 15 august 1947, the members of the LGBT community in India was still being treated as second-class citizens in their own country, for simply being who they are.

The judgement of the Delhi High court on 2 July 2009 has finally freed the last section of the population which was still technically under colonial rule. The judgement is historic. It provided hope to millions of people. People who have been persecuted for being who they are. Persecuted for simply wanting to love and be loved. Persecuted for being brave enough to want the rights that were guaranteed to them under the constitution.

Yesterday was India's second tryst with destiny. At the stroke of the afternoon hour, while the world looked on, India awoke to life and freedom, one more time.

The achievement we celebrate today is but a step, an opening of opportunity, to the greater triumphs and achievements that await us. Are we brave enough and wise enough to grasp this opportunity and accept the challenge of the future?

This ruling does not bring with itself social acceptance. There will still be families and friends who disapprove. People will still make still snigger. Nevertheless, the past is over and it is the future that beckons to us now. We have to learn that there will always be people who will discriminate against you because of who you are. Whether it's because of the colour of your skin, your name, your shoe size, the way you style your hair etc.

We don't need acceptance from those people nor we need a "you're moral" character certificate from the "God-hates-you" crowd.

We only need our own acceptance, and the love and support of the people who appreciate us for who we are and not who they would prefer us to be.

Be fabulous. Always.

xoxo

 

_____________________________________________

(Okay, for those who haven't figured it out yet, this post heavily borrows from Nehru's speech that he gave to the constituent assembly on 15 August 1947. I'm sure he would have wanted to say this. He was one of us, after all. Click here for the original. )

This post is very Zen about being err...umm... a post!

So a few days ago I finally went back to my ex-office one last time to finish the paperwork. It was weird to say the least. I didn't even get a chance to steal more stationary. Anyways, I was like Rockstar-ry and pointing and telling people that "Hey, you still haven't used the plastic surgeon I referred you to" or "Hey, you still smell like you haven't taken a bath since Elvis died." And they were all like "Why aren't you dead yet, asshole?".

Ah. I could almost feel the love.

Anyways, I finally managed to get all the paperwork done. It took me almost the whole day because that company had more red tape than a government office in a small Indian town in the hinterlands. And I also managed to visit the place where I spent more time while working than in my actual office, my favorite off campus coffee bar. They still remembered my "the usual" even after one and a half years. I would have cried if I wasn't cringing at the nose mole on the guy taking my order.

So while I was in the office I was looking at the people working there and to tell you the truth I have seen more cheerfulness at a funeral. The atmosphere was as tense as people coming out of the theater after seeing a Guy Ritchie movie. Maybe if I was in the rat race too I would have looked that sad. But thankfully I am not. I'm at the side, sipping big cups of coffee while I make snarky comments about everybody.

What that means is that I'm now OFFICIALLY unemployed. I'm not just a statistic. The best part about it is that I'm okay with it. I haven't had a single panic attack. I've even tried thinking about it while the two minute window of sobriety I had earlier today morning. And I got nothing. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Shunya. For the first time in my life, I am okay with not having a plan for the future. Not that any of my plans ever worked out. The plans I make have the same probability of working out that Paris Hilton has of becoming a nun.

I'm into my second gap year now. If I tell anyone that, they look at me like I've just drunk driven over their daughter's pet pony along with her ninety year old grandmother. So, if anyone asks, I say there are no jobs in the market for people like me (i.e. someone who wants to be paid without being asked to work) and I put the blame on the recession\George Bush\Working woman\China, depending on the person's intellect and political affiliation. It's not because I care about what other people think. It's because it's easier to explain and let's face it, when they offer me their unsincere support, it's quite entertaining.

*******

Last month, two NRI family friends came over to stay at our family home. By family home I mean anywhere in my house but my room. Now usually I don't like NRI family friends because most of them are douchebags in ethnic clothing. Nothing personal, but they pretend to be more white than actual white folks.

Anyways, I kinda got along with these two. Well, at least initially.

Let's call them K and M. I almost liked K until I found out that she is scared of "the gay". Therefore I ignored her for the rest of her visit for obvious reasons. It's not that I don't like to spend time with people who hate me for who I'd like to bore in bed, I already know too many homophobic people. Anyways, this is not about her.

Now, in a totally unprecedented scenario, I really got along with M. We hit of instantly and it was like we've always known each other. So me being me, I cracked a few jokes which kind of implied that I was batting for the homo team. Well, we never actually talked about it but I kind of assumed that she knew. We kept in touch even after she went back home. Yesterday, while we were texting each other, the following conversation happened:

M: hey how goes? I have the snuffles :( ..
Me: Wha hpnd? .... *hugs*
M: sore throat etc, btw I saw luck by chance yday and it's good and farhan akthar is a really good actor
Me: Oh yeah, I so have a crush on Farhan Akhtar!! :P
M: Oh, I can totally see why you have a crush on that one he's a hottie!!

So when I read her message, I realized that I had inadvertently told her. But I didn't come out to her per se, but it was just a given part of the conversation. And there was no regret, no panic attack, no afterthought. Nothing.

The reason why this is important because my gay self has finally been integrated into my sorry personality. They are not two separate entities anymore. No more secret shadowy life. I am not paranoid about people I know finding out. It's those little subtle changes. The other day I went book shopping and I didn't feel conscious picking up a book which talked about same-sex love in India and waving it to my friend on the other side of the crowded shop and showing it to him. Nor did I feel the need to talk to him about gay stuff like we were discussing cold war secrets when we sat in a crowded cafe. I was loud and obnoxious like I am when discussing everything else. In fact, there was this lady on the other table who was listening to our conversation and looking at us with disapproving eyes. I looked straight at her with my second-most angry expression and she turned away and started to disapprove the straight couple cuddling on the table in front of her.

Nowadays, I don't flip windows when someone walks in while I'm reading something "gay" nor do I clean my tracks on my own computer. I don't even stay silent about gay rights in front of people who are conservative, and believe in the the don't-talk-about-anything-related-to-sex doctrine. I know I said I'm comfortable with being gay, but this is a whole new level of oneness with the gay universe for me.

******

Now, in a related story, a few weeks ago, in conversation with one of my friends, I discovered that I'm fine with being 26. I don't get choked up when I'm saying it out loud. I'm not twenty something. I'm twenty fucking six. 26. tWentY SiX.

Saying that does not make me nauseous and giddy and my legs don't feel like they are about to fall off. (Well, that maybe because I stopped filling my Valium prescription from a guy who looks like the son of a deposed Nigerian prince. But still. Bigger picture, people. Bigger picture.)

So I'm okay with being twenty six, fat, single and alone. None of this makes me want to listen to Coldplay the whole day long. Nor do I feel like watching old episodes of Scrubs.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Does this mean what I think it means?





Am I growing up????

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


Uh-oh. Suddenly, I don't feel so well.

This post is not gay . . . not gay at all

Sometimes I wonder what being gay is all about. I mean, is there someplace I need to go and signup for membership? And then get it renewed every year?

Does it change my life so much that I suddenly start enjoying the things I didn't enjoy earlier? Do I have to watch all the episodes of Sex & the City before I join? And do I have to watch every lame gay movie out there even though I won't be able to identify with any of the characters?

(Okay. So what if I will watch any lame gay movie which has gratuitous nudity. Sue me for showing some human emotion. Geez!)

A lot of people around the world say that being gay is a lifestyle. But you don't need to have an IQ of more than 15 to realize that it's not as simple as a lifestyle choice. Being vegan is a lifestyle choice, choosing to drive a hybrid over a gas-guzzling hummer is a lifestyle choice, choosing to have apple cider instead of wine is a fucking lifestyle choice.

How do you choose to be gay? Do people suddenly wake up one day and decide they would like to bang people of the same sex? Does anyone in their right mind think that people would suddenly choose to be something that is fraught with so many complications?

But it's very hard for people to even try to understand how you're just born gay. It's not something you choose. It's something you just know and thanks to society's fake morality, something you ease into.

Why do people fall for society's fake morality?

Well that's because who would you rather listen to? The guy who tells you that you need to be good otherwise God will send you to hell or the guy who says that it's not perverted unless it's forced and unwanted.

People are scared of going to hell. I don't know why. I saw Speed 2. After seeing something so horrid, nothing scares me know. Not even the idea of hell.

See, all religious books are like collections of short stories strung together with a slightly boring narrative. They should learn how to write short stores from Jhumpa Lahri.

What? Am I the only one who loved Unaccustomed Earth?

I mean, c'mon. I believe more in the wicked witch of the west (no, we're not talking about Oprah here) than believe in the one about how heaven and earth were created by God on a Monday morning. I mean I don't know about you, but I pretty much never used to like to work on a Monday morning. I'm pretty sure that God would have done what I did. Pretend to be sick and pocket some free aspirin.

But most people buy into this morals and values stuff and drink the kool aid about keeping up appearances.

Like some members of my family. My Dad and my brother can't even bring themselves to tell people that I currently am in my 'gap' year. Okay, the second gap year has started, but that's my problem. Not anybody else's. However, my brother doesn't see it that way. He sees it as a bad reflection on the family.

We even had a sort of "discussion" about me being gay a few months ago. Remember the pride parade in Delhi? I had gone on a luncheon that day with some of my friends. So my brother reads about it in the papers the next day and assumed that I had gone to the parade. Not only do I feel stupid for not going, he also asks me if I am gay. Now, I didn't want to come out to him at that very moment, because that would have been out of spite, even though I was tempted to very, very much, so I just answered with a "So, what if I was?" And he rambled about how I'm bringing bad repute to our family's name and shit like that. So words were exchanged between us, he said things which he meant, I said things which I meant and people were told where they can go and the word "fuck" was used both as a verb and as an adjective, mostly by me.

Anyways, I'm sure my Dad and Brother will have a lot of words for me when I do eventually come out to them.

But you know what? I really don't care. Because I am what I am. I'm not going to change or be apologetic because of some idea of a perfect world both of them have in their mind. Worst case scenario, they don't be part of my life. You know, I love them and all, but I won't lose any sleep over it.

I can't expect everybody to be as progresive as my Mom.

When I came out to her I never realized what a big bombshell it was for her. The good thing did was continue to talk about it with her. We've had various conversations about my future and being gay and all. At one time, she wondered if I could have my cake and eat it too (with a Tom Cruise/Shah Rukh Khan type of deal). But I told her I'm not like that. Then a few weeks after that, one of my brother's friend came to visit, and she told my Mom that her husband had left her and their kids for another man. So that day my Mom told me that she completely agrees with me that a sham marriage is a really, really bad idea. Really, really bad.

Fine. I'll stop saying really for the rest of this post. But it is a really, really bad idea.

And now, after almost eleven months of knowing that her son is gay, my Mom is actually a tad bit enthusiastic about it.

And no, I don't need anyone to feel bad about the lack of projected support from the rest of my family. Because my Dad knows better than to argue with me and my brother thinks that repeating the last 30% of what the other person just said consists of a comeback.

And the world knows that if I have an argument I want to win, I'll move heaven and earth (well, no one can actually do that, but I do promise to move my fingers. A little bit.) to win it. Even Socrates ended up agreeing with me when I went back in time to argue with him. (Okay. I did not. But Speed 2 reminded me of Speed which reminded me of Keanu Reeves which reminded me of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure in which both Bill & Ted time-nap Socrates. I'm really digressing, aren't I? Fine. Be a bitch about it.)


To steal a quote from and end in the spirit of gossip girl,

The truth always comes out, it's one of the fundamental rules of time. And when it does come out, it can set you free or end everything you fought to preserve.

xoxo,

Rambunctious Whippersnapper






p.s. Why does it sound sexy when Kristen Bell says it and so lame when I do?


It's because I'm fat, isn't it?

The second coming . . . . out

We thought it would be a normal boring Saturday. We had a real fun evening planned. We had ordered Chinese take out and planned to read Side Effect by Woody Allen. Then, John, our friend from school, called to see if we can meet for dinner. So we canceled our other plans and decided to meet John. And we decided that we would be telling John today.

While getting ready, to distract ourselves, we mused:

- Which cologne in appropriate for coming out?
- Does my hair look good enough for coming out? Who am I kidding, my hair always looks good. Period.
- Gawd!! This is going to sound so stupid when I blog about it. People are going to throw crap at the screen.

So this is a late dinner, we decide to go to a place near my house. We decided that he's going to come to pick me up cause I really am in no mood to drive. So, he is outside my house on time, and I for once, am ready on time too. So when I go towards his car he's talking on the phone. At this time, I'm about to throw up. I'm real nervous. I'm more nervous than Elliot Spitzer in a one-on-one session with the pope. Anyways, we reach the place, and I say let's walk. So we walk a little and I'm still very queasy. He says he's hungry so we go in. I didn't wanna say anything in a crowded restaurant. I only use that to fire people, not come out to them. So, we order drinks and I'm thinking maybe a few screwdrivers will calm my nerves. Well, I'm half right. But I'm still so nervous that I even forget that we have not ordered the main course yet and ask for the cheque right after the drinks and the hors d'oeuvres. John reminds me that we have not had dinner yet. So I say something stupid which both of us pretend is funny and order the main course. Anyways, I don't have much of an appetite. However, John doesn't notice that. (Well, I am a good actor, thank you very much). So during dinner, the topic of marriage comes up. My inner voice tells me to tell him there and then but I just can't bring myself to tell him. I again say something stupid and both of us pretend that it is mysterious. So we planned to go for coffee after our meal, but he says that he's tired and wants to go home. Well I don't wanna consume anything at that point of time anyway, not even coffee (doing this under normal circumstances would be a cardinal sin in my book as we all know). So when he stops the car outside my house, I tell him.

Me: Dude, I got something to say man
John: Hurry up dude, I'm tired
Me: Well ... ... ... long pause ..... ahem ... longer pause ....
John: What's the matter dude .....
Me: Well, I'm .. errr.. umm .... not straight
John: Fuck off .... I'm in no mood for your stupid jokes ... leeme go home .....
Me: I'm serious, asshole
John: What do you mean?
Me: I don't like girls.
John: As in?
Me: As in I'm not attracted to them ......
John(in a state of shock, not tired anymore.....not even drunk): You don't like to sleep with girls ....
Me: Nope. Not a fan.
John: What do you mean .... Do you like to sleep with guys ?
Me: Well ..... errr... ahem ... I want to .....
John: So there is somebody who you like ....
Me: Nope....
John: There has to be somebody, are you telling me or not ....
Me: (Shrug, rolling eyes)
John: What's the person's name ........ ?
Me: There is (tell him about Ryan)
John: So you've done anything with this guy?
Me: Nope .... He's straight ... I haven't even told him ..... nor do I intend to
John: IF THIS IS ONE OF YOUR JOKES .......
Me: No this isn't
John: How long have you known?
Me: A long time ........
John: But your are straight ....
Me: No bro ... I ain't

YADA YADA YA...

John: Dude, I don't know what I am supposed to do as a best friend,I really don't know how to react, all I can say is that nothing changes between us
Me: Thanks, Man ... That's all I need to hear .....
Me: Sorry for springing this on you ... But I had to tell you .... You're like a brother to me ..... And I couldn't have gone forward without telling you ....
John: Yeah ... I understand ..... hmmmmm

Even though he is visibly under shock at this moment, he does manage to say the right things. I did expect him to come through for me. He doesn't understand it, but he is supportive. It's going to take him time to digest it. I'll let him take his time. However, I'm glad I told him. If I wouldn't have been able to tell him, then how could I tell the rest of the world. Though I'm not planning to tell anybody else yet. Well not until I get the gut feeling again.

He did say some disturbing stuff also (which I've yada yada'ed over) which I will ignore because I think it was the shock speaking.

He also asked me that guys can't have sex with each other. I told him there are ways. He was like ... how? I said it's better I don't tell you the details ... just be happy with the knowledge that there is a way.

So here it is, I told my best friend. It was different this time because while my Mom hadn't asked me many questions, John wanted to know if I was sure or not. He really did ask me a looooot of questions.

In the end, I know even if he doesn't agree with me, he does support me. And that's all I need, right?

Does that count as ...coming out?

I've been meaning to write a post about this for the past few weeks but never got to do it .... So here it is .........


Well, about two and a half weeks ago, while my cousins were over me and my bro had taken them to watch a movie. Well, the movie was horrible, and by the time we came out of the theater, we were quite hungry. However, it was a bit late in the night. So we decided to eat in one of the joints around the theater. So while my suggestions for TGIF and a sushi bar were ruled out my brother saw this new place which had opened up, and which served, what else but Indian food. So we went in their restaurant. Well, it was empty but we could hear music from their nightclub. Since we were with my cousins, my brother went in to see. He came out within a few seconds and told us that we are going someplace else. I was surprised and asked him what's wrong. He didn't say anything but until we were downstairs. So, after being question so much by the others mu brother spilled the beans. He said that there were Gay people dancing in there. I was like WHAT? He said yeah, there were Gay people in there. So I said why did you run out? He said that there were Gay people. I said let's go back there. He said we'll go someplace else.
Then I launched into a speech about homosexuality and homophobia and stuff. So my bro asks me, "Are you Gay?", I answered (quite unconvincingly, I might add) "Are you crazy?". He then said "You are so gay!!". I just smiled weakly. I said I just don't like your phobic attitude and then my cousins changed the subject and we headed to have some Chinese.

So now, as you might ask, why didn't I confirm my brother's suspicion there and then? Well the reason was that my cousins were there with me. And they are the biggest gossip mongers I have ever seen. And they are quite homophobic. And that was not the place. I wanted to tell him one on one.

Having said that, I think on some level my brother knows. Why I say that is because when I saw into his eyes, it was like he knew. Also, a few years ago, when I was in college, he was using my computer and come across a video of naked guys. No it wasn't porn. And some pictures. So he asked me if I was gay and I said I am building a gay website and getting paid for it. There was no website. So, he kind of knows. Plus he hasn't seen me talk about a girlfriend in a long time. And a few months ago, he asked me if I was a virgin and I said something like not been to fourth base with a woman. Something like that. So he HAS to know on some level.

It's not that I don't want him to know. I want everyone I know to know. I don't bother about the consequences. Well, at least sometimes. And I will tell him when it is time. Like when I told my mom. When I had that gut feeling. So when I have that, I will tell him.

But, to my credit, I did NOT get all defensive. I just smiled like a jackass. So here it is, am almost pseudo, coming out.

First Coming Out !!!!

So this was another usual day, except that I came out to my mom today. I came OUT today. For the first time. I was myself in front of someone else, and that too my mom.

SO how did it come about? Well, it all started yesterday. We had a family blowout yesterday. My mom, my brother on one side and my dad on the other. I was just trying to pacify everyone and try to have everyone make up. Well cause I am supposed to be the calm one in the family (go figure!!) cause I am the psychoanalyzing, judging, controlling, advising, educating bitch of the family. So while trying to negotiate between the two warring parties (use the term loosely) I was about to say it and stopped myself.

I couldn't sleep the whole night thinking what would happen if I told everyone. I was up all night and slept at about 9.00 am. So, when I wake up it was almost time for lunch. So I got ready and went to sit in the garden with my mom , and I was talking to my Mom about what happened last night and then the conversation turned to letting people be and being true to who one is. After that we went to the dining room to have lunch. I didn't have much of an appetite although my last meal was more than 12 hours ago. I just had that gut feeling that I have to tell her today. I just knew that I had to tell her. Come what may, I had to tell her today. So once we finished lunch, I took her to my room, had her sit down, and told her that I have something to tell her and that if I didn't tell her today, I would go crazy. She asked me what it is. And then I just couldn't say anything. She kept asking for a couple of minutes but the words were just not coming out. And then I blurted "I don't like girls" ... She said "Okay" and then I told her "I'M GAY" !!!!!! And then I started to cry and kept mumbling "I'm sorry .. I'm sorry"!!! She asked me why I'm crying and that "You don't need to be sorry because this is who you are and the way you were born." She said that she was really happy for me and that the only way to live was to be truthful to oneself. She hugged me and said that how long have I known and I told her that since I was 13. She said that I should have told her earlier. I told her that I only made peace with it a month ago and was not ready. She said that it's fine and that she was really happy for me and that it's wonderful that I told her.

I asked her that if she was really fine with it and she said that if I need to really ask her that. She said that she has no problem with it whatsoever and that I should go out there and find someone!!!

To say that I was delighted and ecstatic with her reaction was an understatement. She told me that I should be comfortable with who I am and accept myself. We also discussed if I would tell the rest of the family and she said that to it's nobody's business and to tell everyone when I want to. I asked her not to tell anyone as I would be the one to do so. Then she also asked me if I like someone and I told her a bit about Ryan. She told me not to worry about it and that I would find someone.

So I've come out to the most important person in my life and she was happy for me.
At some level I always knew that she would love me no matter what but was scared unnecessarily.

So it's finally out. And I am really happy to get the burned of my back. I never planned it, it just happened. I just knew that I had to tell her.

So I've stopped living a lie.

The best part is that there is completely no awkwardness between us we were sorting out some of my old clothes and I said that this t-shirt is so gay and she started laughing.

Thanks, Mom. You're great. And thanks God for giving me the strength.

Also, I need to send a shout out to all the bloggers whose blogs I read because of which I was able to come to this decision.

1 down. 999,999,999 to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!