Baby's first hate mail

Sometimes, just when you feel a little down the dumps, something happens which warms the cockles of your heart. The universe lets you know that it is watching over you.

So I thought I'd check my mail a little. Then, I saw a couple of mails which really made my day. It was such a pleasant surprise. My first anonymous hate-mail. Then another. Then another.

Usually I receive hate mail from people I know/have crossed paths with. But for the first time, unknown senders have taken it upon themselves to cheer me up.

Yes, for the those uninitiated in the ways of the whippersnapper, I love it when I receive hate mail. It just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. No, I'm actually not being sarcastic.

So some wonderful souls out there, have asked me a series of questions. Some are personal and some are spiritual. Some are just statements which I've interpreted as questions. I know what you're thinking, that I clearly have too much time. Well, yes, you're right. However, my first few hate-mail senders deserve an honorable mention. After all, they bought me such joy & happiness. So let's answer some questions.

Personal

Q: You said you don't work. You claim to be mooching of your parents. Don't you have any self respect?

A: Self respect is hypothetical. It was made up by some poor schmuck in the early 20th century England because he couldn't afford a room in the Ritz. So, to convince himself, he invented the words "Self Respect". Legend has it, that he kept muttering "I've got self respect, I've got self respect" over and over again to keep himself warm. Alas, that didn't help and after a few hours, he died of cold & hunger. So self respect doesn't even get you a warm cup of coffee or even a torn blanket. Also, modern usage includes a middle-aged woman who leaves her philandering husband after she catches him screwing his secretary. She continuously tells her spinster sister "At least I've got my self respect.". What she really wants is some action. This demonstrates that there is really not much practical use for "self respect", except maybe to provide motivation for a few vague characters in a Daniele Steel novel.

So to answer your question, no, I don't have any self respect. I have air conditioning.

Q: When you say that people hate you, you're right. I hate you more than anything else in the world. I hope you DIE.

A: Awwwww ... You really mean that? Thank you. It's really touching when someone says something so sweet.


Spiritual

Q: How will you reach out to God to atone for your sins?

A: Usually, I just send him a muffin or something through facebook. That does the trick.

Q: When did you sell your soul to the devil?

A: When I was five. But then he couldn't enforce the agreement when I grew up because according to Satanic Laws, contracts signed by minors without the presence of parents and/or guardians are null & void and are not valid in a court of satanic law. You see, I was a sharp cookie even back then.

Q: Your lifestyle has already reserved a seat for you in hell. Repent. Change you ways now and the lord may forgive you. Accept ***** ****** as your lord and savior. If you continue in your ways, you will roast in hell for eternity. For ETERNITY.

A: Meh. I'm pretty much set in my ways. I don't think I can change them. Plus since hell will be filled with a lot of us, I'm guessing I'll be getting lots and lots of action there. So thanks. It's the math, really. Though it's sweet of you to ask. Hopefully, you can find some other chump who will let you ruin his life. There's one born every minute. By the way, I've said it before and I'll say it again, people like you shouldn't be reading Gay blogs. You might CATCH it. *gasp* *gasp*. Now stop tickling my funny bone and get back into the asylum, you hilarious little thing.