Monday, August 11, 2008

Open Letters: Rated "O" for offensive

Warning: The following post might be offensive to people who love children, dogs, mothers, early morning risers, parents, family members, know-it-alls, women etc. Consider yourself warned. The author of this blog takes no responsibility whatsoever. Well, you already know that, don't you?

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Dear Blogger,

Could you please remove those pictures of those darn kids from my blogger dashboard page. No, I have nothing against children. I sometimes even acknowledge their presence. However, I really don't want to see someone's grown up sperm every time I wish to blog. It really freaks the crap out of me. And I don't freak out easily. Yeah.

which reminds me
Dear parents of infants,

You have a child. Well done. Good for you. They cry. They poop. They suck on their mother's tits. Unless baby's first word is the f-bomb, please don't call me with stories you think are funny and cute. Everything a infant does is not worthy of ohmygodyouknowwhatthelittleonehasdonetodayitssocute.
And I really don't give a rat's ass. It's that simple, really.

Dear Dog Owners (including my family),

You have a dog. Good for you. They bark. They poop. They smell each others ass. I don't find that cute. Not by a long shot. Thank you. Some of them have that "oh-I-am-so-needy" look going on which reminds me of suppressed straight married (oxymoron) guys. Just keep them out of my room. And my life. Not the straight guys, stupid. Just the dogs.

Dear People who use "." instead of space in their text messages,

Do you see the zero key? For the love of all that is good and pure, please, please, use that to separate your pearls of wisdom. Otherwise.I.Will.Go.Crazy. When you put a "." (referred to as a full stop) after a word, it becomes a sentence. This was perfect when people could only communicate through telegrams. However, advancements in modern technology has provided us with an ability to put spaces between the words we type. Not only is that better, it also does not freak me out. Which is what makes the world go round. No, seriously.

Dear the next person who asks me to buy insurance from their company or get liposuction from their hospital or get their company's credit card,

May a thousand camels feast on your nether regions. May a thousand birds shower your head with their choicest excreta. May your first born be a reality show contestant. May the next muffin you eat be sneezed upon.

Dear people who sit on their high horse and look down upon other mere mortals,

There is no bigger fool than the one who thinks he knows everything. There is also no bigger source of comic relief.

Dear people who love getting up in the morning and are beaming even before their first cup of coffee,

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?? STOP READING THOSE SELF-HELP BOOKS. Life is not all rosy and shit. Jesus frikin Christ. Why can't you wake up groggy and sad like the rest of us. And fyi, it's not called being an optimist, it's called being delusional. Thanks.

15 comments:

D said...

Offensive, no. Funny, yes.

Now I'm scared: did I get my punctuation right, was the comment in the right spirit, am I being too optimistic, er, delusionary?!

Neha said...

Hahahahahaha

Omg..i'm dying laughing!! "Grown-up sperm" hahah..!!

Duuuude you're so funny!!
Hehe, i'm a kid lover and a dog lover too, but I SO agree with all u have to say here! Parents and owners go a bit OTT with their love!

And the text msgs! Ok, if u write a weird kind of shorthand in texts its fine, but when people use the same little abbreviations in emails or chats, n tlk lk dis cuz words tk 2 lng 2 rite, it makes me want to punch them!

Anyway, thanx for providing my entertainment for the day!
Keep Writing Rambo!

Kris Bass said...

Rambo, you made me laugh for a considerable period of time - about 4 seconds. That's very kind of you as I'm in depression.

I hate people using SMS-short-hand for e-mails and stuff. Even for chatting. I hate that!

And I must let you know that your font thing has gone bad somewhere in the middle of the post. The first part is in Verdana (I guess) and the middle is in Arial.

Cheers, keep it up?

Have you tried reading the google result of the 'Best Page in The Universe'? You must have. And you are very similar to his style of thinking!

flygye12 said...

oye! one of those kids (the middle one) is on my blogroll ! dont say anything against him...he's soooooo cute...u sure ur gay?


ha ha ha...no matter how many posts u write on liposuction, ur not gonna make me believe ur fat...LOL

i'm a morning riser...but i drink TEA :)

'rambo' why dint i think of that...but ramby sounds personal doesnt it (anyways u never gave the rambo impression with those fat-ass posts of urs)

A rebel all the way... said...

tu too much hai re...its so refreshing to come back from office and read ur posts...

but sadly, i AM a child lover...however, i hate the parents who become a nuisance when they force their child to 'perform' in front of others..."beta, uncle ko woh poem sunao jo tumne kal seekhi thi...sunao sunao...haan...jack and jill went up the hill...dekhiye abhi sunayega yeh...oh ho...zara sharma raha hai..."....bloody fucking idiots..and poor child :(

and i AM a dog lover...reallly love the cute ones with drooping eyes and hair all over...dogs are man's best friend...however, never could keep one..mom doesnt like them :(

the dot thingy doesnt apply to me..i always use dots to connect two sentences...not two words..:-)

and completely agree with the last two...it is fun watching ppl who are full of themselves..and oh i so hate getting up in the morning...curse myself, my life, my job, my boss, this city..every frikkin thing that comes to mind...

pepe M. said...

hahahaha!
guys, lets all vote whippy the best blogger of all time! this is the man/gay who i will call firt when im sad...followed by talking closet :)

and im an early riser too, sitting on the toilet bowl with Times of india in my hand :0

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

d: Wow. Thanks. If you think this blog is funny, then you're being delusionary. Otherwise, you're doing just fine. :P ..

neha: I knw wut u mean ... I rlywant to whk the ppl whu do tat 2 ... :P ... someone shud tell these people that you're not typing a text message buddy, it's a frikin email ....

kris: 4 seconds? Isn't that like premature .... ? :P ... I see your point with the font. My bad. I saw that guy's website from blog. Though I feel we're very different.

captain buzzkill: really? you have that kid on blogroll? uh-ok. And do you believe any of the shit I write on this blog, huh? Why would someone lie about being fat??

rebel: ha ha!! I know .... trust me, having dogs is not all that cracked up to be ... :P ... I use dots to connect a lot of my sentences .. :P ...

pepe: Awww .. pepe ... thanks.... always ready to flirt :P .... and there are many people who write much better than me .. :P ...

Indian Home Maker said...

First time here. ROTFL. I agree with all except the dog one...

closetalk said...

wow. u got hate mail from J**** C*****?! BIG guy, eh?! lol.

o, yes, kill the kids. slowly.

I Me Myself said...

agreements or disagreements should not matter, the style is fab!! trust me!!

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

okay, i was a little medicated when replying to comments on this post. So please excuse.

indian home maker: thanks ... you a dog lover too?

ct: Not J**** C himself. But one of his minions.I'm guessing the person who sent it would be small.

Kill? You know you scare me, sometimes??

i me myself: thank ya !!!

Indian Home Maker said...

LOL yes, a helpless dog lover, but actually I have never read any boring, long, detailed posts on dogs. Now it's possible that I have, but never found them boring!(rather unlikely...)

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

haha.. :P ...

Well I know some bloggers can make anything sound interesting.

priyank said...

"May your first born be a reality show contestant" :o) creative huh?

Piper .. said...

hilarious! :)