Monday, February 25, 2008

The fallen angel

And there stood Zubin, on the balcony outside his room, reflecting on his world. He saw his family, his house, his surroundings. Everything was glowing. Good vibes were emanating from everything and everyone. There was celebration on everyone’s mind. After all, it was Zubin’s 25th birthday.

However, no one knew of the turmoil inside of Zubin. The tsunami inside his mind. If only they knew. Would everything still be the same?

He looked at the entrance to his house. Would his sherpa still salute him everytime he comes home from anywhere? Would the domestic help, Govind, still be grateful to him for helping him save his father’s life? If only they knew.

Would his two pets, still come running to him while wagging their tail, happy to see him?

Would his parents still be proud of him? Would his sister, who once had joked that if that was true, she would get sleepless nights, love him like she did for the past twenty five years? If only they knew. Would his two nephews, playing with each other right now, who he loves like his own children, still love and respect him and come to him with their childish demands? If only they knew.

Would his own brother, older, the one who with whom he always stood by through thick and thin, with whom he always acted as the elder, mature one, still help him shop, take care of all his responsibilities, make fun of him, fight for him with the parents? If only they knew.

Would his friends, with whom he shared his first drink, his first smoke, his first joint, the aborted attempt to bed a stripper, still come to him with their problems? If only they knew.

Then Zubin saw his team members from his office, waving at him, who look up to him in every crisis, personal or professional? Would they still respect him in the same way? Would they still talk about him with the same reverence that they do now? Would they still be in awe of him? If only they knew.

Does he stand to lose everything he worked for, everyone he loves, thought Zubin. He didn’t know the answer. There was nothing, nothing he could do about it. He was born this way. He had been fighting this for so long. He had to be true to himself now. He owed it to himself. If this was what fate had in store for him, then so be it. If only they knew.

He had a trillion questions. Would he have to leave his home? Would he have to leave the city so that his parents don’t have to feel ashamed in front of their friends? Would his sister be telling her nephews that they can’t speak to their beloved Zubin Uncle anymore? Would he be nothing more than an object of ridicule at the company he helped build?

He wouldn’t try to answer these questions. Leave them to fate. If only they knew.

If only they knew, that he was gay.

Yes he did not want to marry a beautiful woman and settle down and have those fifteen kids he so often talks about. He would break the promise to his mother of naming his first born after his dad. He would never have his own wife to spoil, as his friends had predicted he would. If only they knew.

He would just always be the fallen angel. Fallen from grace in front of his parents, his siblings, his friends and his co workers.

He’s a freak, they would say, but he would know that isn’t true.

Who would carry on you family name, his dad would ask. I will adopt dad, Zubin would say.

Who would cook for you, his mom would ask. I’d hire a dozen cooks ma, would be Zubin’s response.

Did you ever er…fancy me? , his best friend would ask. No way dude, you’re not my type, Zubin would reply.

But..But you are so normal ….his co-workers would say. All of us are, would be Zubin’s response.

You’re such a girl would be what his brother would say. At least I have the balls to be myself is what Zubin would snap back at him with.

Why Zubin? Why can’t you love a girl? would be the unsaid question on their mind.

He would then turn his back and walk out of the room, walk out of their lives. Forever. Would they miss him? Would they miss his jokes? Would they miss his words, his emotional scrawls on their cards? Would they miss his advice which they always sought when they are stuck with life? Would they miss his way of making you feel that everything is just going to be fine? Would they be ready to sacrifice all that? Just because he was gay?

But he would be fine. God would take care of him. That he knew.


Hish said...

Remember that however your relationships change, it shouldn't reflect badly on who you are or who you are capable of being.

Too often, we define ourselves by our relationships with the people around us, that we forget we are still our own person.

I am glad I'm out to my friends, my brother, and his girlfriend.

The funny thing is, it's not my relationships that changed. I changed, for the better.

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

I know what you mean .... Though I'm only out to my mom, it is liberating ... the rest seem easy ... And I will come out to everyone .... at my own pace :P :P ........ This is just a semi-autobiographical representation of the emotional roller coaster I feel sometimes ..... I was trying to use subtext :( ...

Orangeorka said...

hey RWS, you have a great blog. And you seem to be going through a similar 'emotional rollercoster' (like you call it) that I seem to be undergoing. My ride's getting smoother now. I hope yours does too.

I guess it might have a little to do with the fact that we both have similar backgrounds. I grew up in Mumbai and it hasn't been easy.

Anyways, thanks for dropping by the blog.

Orangeorka said...


Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

thanks orange .. really appreciate it :) ..... the journey is getting easier but not progressing much .. hence the rollercoaster .. but i'm fine ...... have had some good progress .....