Friday, February 6, 2009

This post is very Zen about being err...umm... a post!

So a few days ago I finally went back to my ex-office one last time to finish the paperwork. It was weird to say the least. I didn't even get a chance to steal more stationary. Anyways, I was like Rockstar-ry and pointing and telling people that "Hey, you still haven't used the plastic surgeon I referred you to" or "Hey, you still smell like you haven't taken a bath since Elvis died." And they were all like "Why aren't you dead yet, asshole?".

Ah. I could almost feel the love.

Anyways, I finally managed to get all the paperwork done. It took me almost the whole day because that company had more red tape than a government office in a small Indian town in the hinterlands. And I also managed to visit the place where I spent more time while working than in my actual office, my favorite off campus coffee bar. They still remembered my "the usual" even after one and a half years. I would have cried if I wasn't cringing at the nose mole on the guy taking my order.

So while I was in the office I was looking at the people working there and to tell you the truth I have seen more cheerfulness at a funeral. The atmosphere was as tense as people coming out of the theater after seeing a Guy Ritchie movie. Maybe if I was in the rat race too I would have looked that sad. But thankfully I am not. I'm at the side, sipping big cups of coffee while I make snarky comments about everybody.

What that means is that I'm now OFFICIALLY unemployed. I'm not just a statistic. The best part about it is that I'm okay with it. I haven't had a single panic attack. I've even tried thinking about it while the two minute window of sobriety I had earlier today morning. And I got nothing. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Shunya. For the first time in my life, I am okay with not having a plan for the future. Not that any of my plans ever worked out. The plans I make have the same probability of working out that Paris Hilton has of becoming a nun.

I'm into my second gap year now. If I tell anyone that, they look at me like I've just drunk driven over their daughter's pet pony along with her ninety year old grandmother. So, if anyone asks, I say there are no jobs in the market for people like me (i.e. someone who wants to be paid without being asked to work) and I put the blame on the recession\George Bush\Working woman\China, depending on the person's intellect
and political affiliation. It's not because I care about what other people think. It's because it's easier to explain and let's face it, when they offer me their unsincere support, it's quite entertaining.


Last month, two NRI family friends came over to stay at our family home. By family home I mean anywhere in my house but my room. Now usually I don't like NRI family friends because most of them are douchebags in ethnic clothing. Nothing personal, but they pretend to be more white than actual white folks.

Anyways, I kinda got along with these two. Well, at least initially.

Let's call them K and M. I almost liked K until I found out that she is scared of "the gay". Therefore I ignored her for the rest of her visit for obvious reasons. It's not that I don't like to spend time with people who hate me for who I'd like to bore in bed, I already know too many homophobic people.
Anyways, this is not about her.

Now, in a totally unprecedented scenario, I really got along with M. We hit of instantly and it was like we've always known each other. So me being me, I cracked a few jokes which kind of implied that I was batting for the homo team. Well, we never actually talked about it but I kind of assumed that she knew. We kept in touch even after she went back home. Yesterday, while we were texting each other, the following conversation happened:

M: hey how goes? I have the snuffles :( ..
Me: Wha hpnd? .... *hugs*
M: sore throat etc, btw I saw luck by chance yday and it's good and farhan akthar is a really good actor
Me: Oh yeah, I so have a crush on Farhan Akhtar!! :P
M: Oh, I can totally see why you have a crush on that one he's a hottie!!

So when I read her message, I realized that I had inadvertently told her. But I didn't come out to her per se, but it was just a given part of the conversation. And there was no regret, no panic attack, no afterthought. Nothing.

The reason why this is important because my gay self has finally been integrated into my sorry personality. They are not two separate entities anymore.
No more secret shadowy life. I am not paranoid about people I know finding out. It's those little subtle changes. The other day I went book shopping and I didn't feel conscious picking up a book which talked about same-sex love in India and waving it to my friend on the other side of the crowded shop and showing it to him. Nor did I feel the need to talk to him about gay stuff like we were discussing cold war secrets when we sat in a crowded cafe. I was loud and obnoxious like I am when discussing everything else. In fact, there was this lady on the other table who was listening to our conversation and looking at us with disapproving eyes. I looked straight at her with my second-most angry expression and she turned away and started to disapprove the straight couple cuddling on the table in front of her.

Nowadays, I don't flip windows when someone walks in while I'm reading something "gay" nor do I clean my tracks on my own computer. I don't even stay silent about gay rights in front of people who are conservative, and believe in the the don't-talk-about-anything-related-to-sex doctrine. I know I said I'm comfortable with being gay, but this is a whole new level of oneness with the gay universe for me.


Now, in a related story, a few weeks ago, in conversation with one of my friends, I discovered that I'm fine with being 26. I don't get choked up when I'm saying it out loud. I'm not twenty something. I'm twenty fucking six. 26. tWentY SiX.

Saying that does not make me nauseous and giddy and my legs don't feel like they are about to fall off. (Well, that maybe because I stopped filling my Valium prescription from a guy who looks like the son of a deposed Nigerian prince. But still. Bigger picture, people. Bigger picture.)

So I'm okay with being twenty six, fat, single and alone. None of this makes me want to listen to Coldplay the whole day long. Nor do I feel like watching old episodes of Scrubs.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Does this mean what I think it means?

Am I growing up????


Uh-oh. Suddenly, I don't feel so well.


The writer said...

intellectual and humorous at the same time..completely enjoyed the post. And i really appreciate your i-give-a-damn recession doesnt seem to bother u much..hehe..
nice blog..will be a regular visitor for sure..

Stray said...

U know I love u. :)

Now there's the likelihood I always will.

Stay comfortable and respected.

Rakesh said...

I was always a fan of your writing. I've gained a new respect for you now. You're so in line with my motto "Vocal & Visible". Only when we homos make others around us comfortable with our sexuality, will it become easy to change social thinking. And we don't have to waive rainbow flags in their face. Proud of you for doing this so casually!

unsungpsalm said...

Yayy! Sober post from Ramby!

You're human... and a lovely one at that... Do keep writing occasionally with such (sort of) sincerity...

Congratulations on your renewed coming-out... You do us proud!

26, 36 or 66, you'll always be as awesome...


DewdropDream said...

Since when did one have to be sad about growing up to want to hear Coldplay or watch Scrubs?!

But hey, with you on everything else... this has been one fantastic year for me and I have seen things change a whole lot... changes that were desperately needed and maybe they won't benefit humanity at large but to hell with all that. I am super-awesome things now baby! And so are you :) Amen to that... how would you like to celebrate?

Manasi said...

Oneness with the universe, ok with being 26? are right, this is very zen.
On the topic of 'coming out', there will be a day when the phrase won't exist! :) :) I don't go around telling anyone I like guys, you shouldn't need to either.

pepe M. said...

thats awesome whippy! you indeed is growing up!!!

psst,im waiting for your FB invitation :)

lots of hug and lots of mwah!!!!

Harshita said...

You have SOME sense of humor... and isn't it great to know that one if finally growing up :)

Your "I dont give a fuck abt it" attitude is ur USP and it makes you sail thru goddammit recession and all that conservative fools' lecturing thing...

Oh! even I think I feel more confident now...See, I commented for the second time here and I am not scared anymore that am making a fool of

Have fun...

Pixie said...


Looks like you are growing up! :P
and change is good... and different from the regular, which again is good! :)
May I blogrol you?

Still thinking said...

Growing up??? Sad to burst the bubble dear you're all grown up ;)

Realisation-and-being-comfortable-with-a-fuck-i-care-a-damn-attitude! Hey, I thought that only happened at 60...happy for ya! :)

DewdropDream said...

'Kay so you think it's okay to abandon us juveniles just because you gew up?! Not done. Come back and talk to us. Hug

once again said...

yellooo :-)

whats yer email ieedee mister !?

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

@the writer: thanks you ... well, actually the recession is more helpful than bothersome ... :P ...

@Stray: thanks .. love you too ... Always? Are you even ready for such a commitment? I plan to pull all kinds of shit in the future ... :P ...

@Rakesh: Thank you Rakesh, that was a real nice thing to say .. thank you ... I guess when it stops being an issue for us, it stops being an issue for other people too .....

@USP: Well, let me tell you for a fact that sober me is not fun .. not by a long shot .... 36, 66?? You really know how to freak a brother out ..... *hugs back*

@DDD: Well, growing up is daunting for some of us ... Not all of us are mature and all like you.... :P .... Well we need to celebrate with a night out where we get drunk and crank call Prince Harry to make fun of his racist tendencies .... :P ...

@Manasi: I know!! ... Well, if everybody starts thinking like you, then we won't have to. Thanks .. :) ...

@Pepe: Well, I just lost my fbook pwd and will send you the invite again as soon as I get it back .... hugs

@Harshita: See, that wasn't so bad was it. Now you see that I don't bite, do I? Yeah .. About time I grew up!!

@Pixie: Yes, please go ahead .. I'm gona add you without asking .. hope that's okay .... and yes, I guess the year is all about change ...

@Still: 60???? 60???????????? Have I mentally turned into a 60 year old? *freaks out again*

@DDD: Oh, you give me too much credit for growin up .. and how can i ever leave you guys? .. hugs ...

@once again: yellooo .... :) ... my email idee is zanny.t(at) .....

madgal said...

If your only starting to feel grown up at 26 then i have a long way to go from my current 21.