Monday, December 15, 2008

This post is not gay . . . not gay at all

Sometimes I wonder what being gay is all about. I mean, is there someplace I need to go and signup for membership? And then get it renewed every year?

Does it change my life so much that I suddenly start enjoying the things I didn't enjoy earlier? Do I have to watch all the episodes of Sex & the City before I join? And do I have to watch every lame gay movie out there even though I won't be able to identify with any of the characters?

(Okay. So what if I will watch any lame gay movie which has gratuitous nudity. Sue me for showing some human emotion. Geez!)

A lot of people around the world say that being gay is a lifestyle. But you don't need to have an IQ of more than 15 to realize that it's not as simple as a lifestyle choice. Being vegan is a lifestyle choice, choosing to drive a hybrid over a gas-guzzling hummer is a lifestyle choice, choosing to have apple cider instead of wine is a fucking lifestyle choice.

How do you choose to be gay? Do people suddenly wake up one day and decide they would like to bang people of the same sex? Does anyone in their right mind think that people would suddenly choose to be something that is fraught with so many complications?

But it's very hard for people to even try to understand how you're just born gay. It's not something you choose. It's something you just know and thanks to society's fake morality, something you ease into.

Why do people fall for society's fake morality?

Well that's because who would you rather listen to? The guy who tells you that you need to be good otherwise God will send you to hell or the guy who says that it's not perverted unless it's forced and unwanted.

People are scared of going to hell. I don't know why. I saw Speed 2. After seeing something so horrid, nothing scares me know. Not even the idea of hell.

See, all religious books are like collections of short stories strung together with a slightly boring narrative. They should learn how to write short stores from Jhumpa Lahri.

What? Am I the only one who loved Unaccustomed Earth?

I mean, c'mon. I believe more in the wicked witch of the west (no, we're not talking about Oprah here) than believe in the one about how heaven and earth were created by God on a Monday morning. I mean I don't know about you, but I pretty much never used to like to work on a Monday morning. I'm pretty sure that God would have done what I did. Pretend to be sick and pocket some free aspirin.

But most people buy into this morals and values stuff and drink the kool aid about keeping up appearances.

Like some members of my family. My Dad and my brother can't even bring themselves to tell people that I currently am in my 'gap' year. Okay, the second gap year has started, but that's my problem. Not anybody else's. However, my brother doesn't see it that way. He sees it as a bad reflection on the family.

We even had a sort of "discussion" about me being gay a few months ago. Remember the pride parade in Delhi? I had gone on a luncheon that day with some of my friends. So my brother reads about it in the papers the next day and assumed that I had gone to the parade. Not only do I feel stupid for not going, he also asks me if I am gay. Now, I didn't want to come out to him at that very moment, because that would have been out of spite, even though I was tempted to very, very much, so I just answered with a "So, what if I was?" And he rambled about how I'm bringing bad repute to our family's name and shit like that. So words were exchanged between us, he said things which he meant, I said things which I meant and people were told where they can go and the word "fuck" was used both as a verb and as an adjective, mostly by me.

Anyways, I'm sure my Dad and Brother will have a lot of words for me when I do eventually come out to them.

But you know what? I really don't care. Because I am what I am. I'm not going to change or be apologetic because of some idea of a perfect world both of them have in their mind. Worst case scenario, they don't be part of my life. You know, I love them and all, but I won't lose any sleep over it.

I can't expect everybody to be as progresive as my Mom.

When I came out to her I never realized what a big bombshell it was for her. The good thing did was continue to talk about it with her. We've had various conversations about my future and being gay and all. At one time, she wondered if I could have my cake and eat it too (with a Tom Cruise/Shah Rukh Khan type of deal). But I told her I'm not like that. Then a few weeks after that, one of my brother's friend came to visit, and she told my Mom that her husband had left her and their kids for another man. So that day my Mom told me that she completely agrees with me that a sham marriage is a really, really bad idea. Really, really bad.

Fine. I'll stop saying really for the rest of this post. But it is a really, really bad idea.

And now, after almost eleven months of knowing that her son is gay, my Mom is actually a tad bit enthusiastic about it.

And no, I don't need anyone to feel bad about the lack of projected support from the rest of my family. Because my Dad knows better than to argue with me and my brother thinks that repeating the last 30% of what the other person just said consists of a comeback.

And the world knows that if I have an argument I want to win, I'll move heaven and earth (well, no one can actually do that, but I do promise to move my fingers. A little bit.) to win it. Even Socrates ended up agreeing with me when I went back in time to argue with him. (Okay. I did not. But Speed 2 reminded me of Speed which reminded me of Keanu Reeves which reminded me of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure in which both Bill & Ted time-nap Socrates. I'm really digressing, aren't I? Fine. Be a bitch about it.)

To steal a quote from and end in the spirit of gossip girl,

The truth always comes out, it's one of the fundamental rules of time. And when it does come out, it can set you free or end everything you fought to preserve.


Rambunctious Whippersnapper

p.s. Why does it sound sexy when Kristen Bell says it and so lame when I do?

It's because I'm fat, isn't it?


Manasi said...

discovered your blog through Chandni's blog. am completely in awe of the writing that veers between poignant, funny, touching and deliciously sarcastic. go ahead, take a bow, you know you want to :)

Anonymous said...

Ramby, you totally plagiarised my thoughts in the first bit of your post. But yes, it was absolutely marvelous.
If I was crazy about literature and writing, I'd worship you and build an altar dedicated to you and those kind of things. But I'm not. So too bad.

And I don't believe the GossipGirl bug caught you too. That totally sucks.

Maybe I should check it out too, then. :(

PS - Where were boots mentioned in the post? I couldn't find.


Stray said...

Finally! A piece worthy of the time taken to write it! Definitely worth the wait!

This post was very different from your normal 'rants'. Absolutely loved it! :)

I am, however, gonna have to per force take a pee on your beautifully manicured lawns tho by mentioning that I am seriously considering becoming gay as a lifestyle choice because - and the Gods stand witness here - I find most women absurd and immature in the real world (and the good ones are either gay or already taken). And there is a wonderful gay man out there who's professed to live Life out with moi if I were so inclined. B-)

(Now you may proceed with eating your heart out, sweets).

A rebel all the way... said...

:) nice post
And i do not want to start a 'nature or nurture' debate here...but some people are born gay, and some 'become' gay...and obviously, they don't turn gay by choice just cos they want to experience the absurd...but still...
and i disagree wid stray on the immature women part...

chandni said...

U called shahrukh khan gay??

That is so totally not on! Grrrrrrrr :D

nice post but.

And for the record, SRK is NOT gay. Geddit?

Ritu said...

Nooo, Sharukh Khan is bisexual - swear!!! That said and done, this is a wonderful post, more balanced than your usual rants

Still thinking said...

How do you do that huh? How do you manage to make me smile all the time? :)

I love your mom, do tell her that! :)

And hey, SRK is bi okay? Hmmmph

TC Snapper.

D said...

Pray, tell me, how do you manage to let the wandering mind pen down in its thughts in such random order?

And your mom knows! I'm so glad... Because I do imagine how difficult it must be for children to tell their parents and for parents to accept it without raising a hue and cry about it!

Oh and Chandni, SRK isn't gay, he's bisexual! :P

Prash said...

I love fat people...and their quotes ! So, Ramby you just rock ! (for me!)

The parade incident made me laugh...check out the HK Gay Pride pictures in my blog (recent post).

I am happy to know that your Mom is ok with all this.

I totally agree with you on the fake marriage. Since a long time, I told myself that I will not marry for the sake of the society and my family. It is my life and I know a marriage with a girl won't make me happy and certainly not the girl ... I don't want to spoil the life of a girl...I agree with you 100 per cent.

Anonymous said...

Heya..been around here for sometime..reading but never commented..

This was a great post and I'm seriously sorry about the vitriol that is spewed. I think its so unfair that straight people have the right to pass judgements like this and make decisions that can influence the lives of people who are gay..leaves me really angry.

lemonade said...

ha ha..i love the way you write!!

you are awesome!!

and u cannot be as fat as don't even try using that line! :P

Anonymous said...

De lurking for the first time :)

Glad that your mom knows. and hats off to your writing style. I envy you :D

and yes SRK is NOT NOT Gay :D

abhishek said...

i can understand being gay by birth but being gay by choice...i never understood it.

DewdropDream said...

You watch Gossip Girl? :D Where were you all these days comrade and why did you not reveal thy enlightened self to me sooner?! :D

Brilliant post... but you know that anyway.

And I never quite understood why being gay is such a big deal... it's not like anyone's forcing anyone else to watch. Or imagine. I've said this before... it's nobody's business but of those involved. The rest of the world can keep its trap shut.

Your mum ROCKS. Tell her I said that :)

And dude, too much Keanu Reeves in here... I've become allergic to him.

I think you ought to sign off with 'xoxo' every single time... suita ya :D

Ok, am off now... too much yakking

The Line of Beauty said...

Long back, I heard someone saying ( on TV, that was my only source of gyaan) that what god- if any- i pray to, and who I sleep are two way too personal matters. No one has a right to question me on these.

being gay is my choice/ fate/ predisposition or whatever, I am answerable to no one on that. And on bringing disrepute to family, I can only say that people should start caring more about real people rather that 'honor' and 'tradiition'.

you are blessed you have a fantastic mother ( are you sure she has not told your father?), and pray why your brother starts questioning you if you are out on gay parade day. i am sure you don't have a rainbow flag in your room?

Btw, I loved 'unaccustomed earth', it's amazing how one She can bring so many different nuances of same mileu..and this post has been the BEST, till date!

Neha said...

Haha, No not because u're fat....because u're such a little cuddly cutie thingy like teddy bear, that u just cant be bitchy like Bell :)!!

My advice, follow ur heart, exactly what u're doing now. Who the fuck cares what others think about u? You're super, so keep reminding urself of that!! Plus, u're so so so lucky to have a mom to confide in like that...its rare!

Haha and the gap parents are now tellin people "oh, she's applying for stuff"...whatever that means!

Anyway, Keep writing Rambuliscious!!

PS: You always make me smile...I wish I could talk to u in person!!

Anonymous said...

You're kidding, right? You better be kidding! If you decide to "turn" gay, you may just throw the entire Gay Rights movement back by about a millennium!!!

Oh, and if you DO turn gay, *coughcallmecough*

Rakesh said...

I like your writing style. You seem to have lived in the US for a while Is that true?

Anonymous said...

Your mom's very sweet (probably had told you earlier too, again sayin) Give her hugs frm my side :)

and about SRK. coughnocommentscough :D

closetalk said...

yup. it's cuz ure fat.
ure a freak-oid moron with more than a single iota of sense (despite the fat), and that's why i luv u! lol.

ok fine - i've braced myself. wat's ure revenge gonna be cuz of the fat joke?

chandni said...

D = if I didn't like u so much already, I'd have killed u.

He's NOT. Its just gossip.

No really, believe me.


sat said...

Hey Mr Rambunctious whippersnapper,
There I was,done with my morning dose of anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, anti-hypertensives washed down with a pre-breakfast melon martini (fruit is good at breakfast time, ain't it? and I chanced to come across your blog, while doing a bit of much needed exercise (as I do agree with "you know when you're fat and lazy" post) clicking away at the computer.Your cocktail of incredible humour infused with innuendos and spiked with scathing sarcasm was a rare kind of intellectual upliftment far more stimulating than penile upliftment from inveterate hunk-gazing.
It inspired me to try to get back to the medicine career that I abandoned 5 yrs ago for the sole purpose of devising a cerebral transplant,especially of Broca's language area from you to me (oh, that would be priority no 2, right after devising a perfume to incite every Adonisesque guy, gay or otherwise to fuck grotesquely obese guys like me, if at all 'propsition blubber' fails)
I'm not aware of which is bigger: the Jeeves-like protrusion at the back of your head or the fat on your belly.
Nonetheless, I'd implore of an acquaintance with a superior being like you for the proverbial 'feast of reason and flow of soul' if not a 'feast of fu***** and a flow of c**"
Yours queerly,
(A hedonistic, vegetarian, deeply religious, early-morning-rising gay hippopotamus from Mumbai)
p.s.Apologies to those who think Mr RW does not need more compliments to his inflated ego. I think he deserves all the praise he is inundated with.

D said...

There's an award waiting for you on my blog!

TheDropper said...

hey, nice. I loved unaccustomed earth! all of jhumpa lahiri's works are great actually. keep writing.

Firebolt said...

I feel my comment is going to be like the Proposition 8 Musical : Too little, too late.

Let me start by saying that I had an idea about a similar post, which is waiting in its draft form in my phone's MMC. But because you do every topic so much better justice than I ever could, perhaps I'll just post a link to your blog instead of putting my trash out there.

Your Mother is a wonderful lady. Tell her that.

As in a butch lesbian's case, if you can force yourself to like willy-willies and masculinity and chivalry on the part of your partner it would be great. But since I totally cannot do that, I do not think I can not be gay. Actually my latest post has sparked some thoughts and stuff. But I digress. Also, sorry for my incoherence.

And true to Kristen Bell's (whom I love) style,


P.S. In my opinion, you do it as good as her.

N said...

one thing i truly enjoy is sarcasm - the more dry it is, the better and your writing has lots of it! :) am enjoying exploring it. dropped by from A's blog
(i think...been surfing, its a boring day at work!)

one thing i realised when i watched my friend (she hasnt yet come out to her family) that no matter what her family goes through, it cant possibly be greater than what she is already going through. in a society like ours, every day she is fighting something new. it just seems so difficult......for something so basic and simple

Anonymous said...

Nice post. :)
I hope things work out for you, I do.

Anonymous said...

Great post!

(in New York)

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

Thanks everyone for the wonderful comments!!

And I'm sure SRK is not gay. I mean sure, people do pick Arjun Rampal's inanimate face to star in their movies because of his range. Sure.

Sorry for being a bitch and not replying to everyone's comments!! But I don't want to spoil this particular comment section with my stupid replies. Thanks again.

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

What I meant to say was that I am still overwhelmed by all you nice people.