So I haven't had any communication with Ryan for almost two months now. I didn't crumble under all that pressure. No email, text, or ping. Nothing.
He leaves today for his Uni. How do I know? Well, I read the conversation he had with one of his friends in the social-networking-website. I know what your thinking, so no, I'm not stalking anyone. Well, not anymore anyway.
When I was reading the messages he had exchanged with his friend, I kind of felt strange. It was like reading a conversation between two strangers. Or someone from another life. And then somewhere in my mind I heard Christina Applegate go "This Guy???" [mandatory FRIENDS reference]. It seemed like I didn't even know him. It seemed as if I had created a version of him in my mind and I fell for that. I just don't know.
I thought when this day would come I would be heartbroken and sad. Surprisingly I am neither.
In fact, I am simply amazed at how calm and collected I am. Though I do have this trickle of emptiness somewhere in my heart.
Do I still love him? Well, not anymore I think. I still have some feelings for him buried somewhere in my heart but I don't think I love him anymore. I think subconsciously I've come to accept that him and me are never going to happen. Can we ever stop loving someone? I don't know.
However, it doesn't mean that what I felt for him wasn't true. It was. The pain, the emotional turmoil, it was all true. I lived it for more than three years.
I also believe that people enter our lives to teach us a lesson or to help us move along in our journey and that once we learn that lesson they exit our life. So for that I am thankful to Ryan. Because of the feelings I had for him are what ultimately led me to confront myself a few months ago, and be able to find the strength to be my true self. So his leaving the city is kind of symbolic too.
Am I crazy or am I just reading too many self-help books?? :P
The funny thing is he has no fucking idea!! To him I'm still the good friend turned casual acquittance.
Am I ready for my first gay relationship? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know.
All I know that whatever this is, I can now try to move on with my life. [look at me, I'm growing up!!] To the next exciting/mildly boring chapter. Or in the immortal words of Joey Tribiani It's time to pick up a spoon [I really to stop referencing lines from FRIENDS. It's like a disease or something].
So hopefully, as the title specifies, this is my last post about Ryan. And, for the sake of sanity, finally I can bring myself to say:
Goodbye Ryan, Have a nice life!! Thanks for the memories. We will always have that plate of Maggie Noodles.
10 comments:
Yes, I too believe that people enter our lives for a reason and they exit for a reason too. That's when we have to move on and be ready to welcome the new experience and each of these experiences helps us to understand about ourselves better.
But for the time being, let me give you a big warm hug!!
By the way, I am a hardcore fan of FRIENDS. So it is not at all an issue when you refer lines from them, in fact I love it! :D
Good job on the progress!
Let's hope you don't experience a Ryan relapse anytime soon :) Or, well, anytime in the future.
Sam: Aww ... first let me give you a biggg warm thank you hug tooo :D ..... I'm being led to beleive that life is all about moving on too :D ... Don't worry .. those FRIENDS references are not going away for now .... :D
hish: Thanks. I hope I don't have a Ryan Relapse. Ever. :D .... And the small void there is filled up soon ... :D
cute!
I love the bit where u talk about everyone entering our life for a purpose...I totally believe it.
Good luck to you too!
And we r available for coffee, just in case :)
Hmm. I'm not sure I believe people come and go for reasons. I do believe, however, that when they come and whether they stay or not teaches you something about yourself. The lesson is there to learn if you want to learn it.
I haven't caught up on past posts yet but it's great that you're moving on from this Ryan guy and coming out of it with a positive attitude. Relationships are good and healthy. I make it sound like a vegetable but hey, it's true.
And as for a guest post- sure, what's it gonna be about?
chandni: i knw!! tats my fav bit too :) ..... thanks ....
so then let's have the cuppa coffee :) ..... i wud luv 2 ....
ffc: Exactly. The underlying thing is that everyone teaches you some kind of lesson.
I'm just glad that I am moving on from Ryan too.
And welcome.
Yeah.. life is all about moving on. People come and go... that's life. But don't let yourself relapse on this ryan thing.
Just be happy on whatever you do dude.
dark knight: aww ... Thanks Dude!! :D .. So sweet ....
I JUST read your string of Ryan posts... I'm shocked and moved. And I feel terrible for how you would've felt back then...
and for the first time, I'm realising that you're a real human being.
i know .. though i sometimes look and talk like a machine .... i do have a human heart .... unfortunately ..:( ... could have done without it i suppose!!
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