nothingness

The darkness that I see outside my window is the same darkness which i feel inside my heart. For everyone around me, I smile, put on a happy face, be this mountain of joy. But i cannot hide the truth from myself. i cannot look in the mirror and not see the truth.

the world wants me to celebrate. the world expects me to celebrate. but what do i celebrate.

The pain of knowing that i have spent most of my adult life pretending to be someone i am not or the constant yearning for that special someone in whose ears i can whisper three little words, and for the first time in my life, mean them?

every year, this time i take stock. i promise myself, that this time it will be different. that i wont repeat the same mistakes. that by this time next year, things will be different. by this time next year, i will accomplish a few things that i set out to do, many, many years ago.

but that is the same promise i made last year. and the year before that. now i know not to trust my mind when it tells me that everything will be better next year. that all the planets will be in order and the moon will not eclipse the sun.
but by now i know better. i know the truth. nothing changes, things only get worse. there is no light at the end of the tunnel. the tunnel is a big loop which keeps going in circles taking your life along with it. until the circle is broken by the sweet, freedom inducing release of death.


do i celebrate the cloud of darkness that i see over my head everytime i look in the mirror or do i celebrate the fact that on days like these, or when i do something special, when i look next to me, i see nothing but an empty space.

yes, for the record i am happy. i play my role well. i know my lines. i have been practicing them for years. i even know the emotions i need to display. i know the answers to the questions people ask me. i know when to laugh at the jokes they attempt to crack which i know are not funny. but then i go on doing the same thing, year after year. for what? nothing gained, nothing lost.

but when i am alone, under that cloud of darkness, i know the truth. i cannot delude myself. i try but i cannot make the pain go away.

i want to cry my lungs out, but my eyes are dry. there are no tears. a certain numbness takes over me. where i talk, i speak, i see, i hear, i laugh, i get angry but i am not here. i am somewhere far away. somewhere i don't even know.

somedays i feel like that dream in which i keep falling, keep falling into an endless maze which has no end. i just hope to hit that sacred land that finally breaks my fall and i finally have the silence i want. the silence i search for. the silence where i don't hear anything. where nothing is said. where no questions are asked, no answers are given, no expectations are left unfulfilled, no wrong emotion is shown, where there is no distance between truth and reality, where whichever side you see, there is just empty, silent space. a silence which i haven't heard since the day i opened my eyes. just, pure, unadulterated silence. will i ever have that?

My work here is done

So we were expecting a few (or a few dozen, I didn't pay much attention) people for dinner at our humble abode we call home. As our kitchen was temporarily short staffed due to one of our support staff/household help (whatever... I hate the term servants, sounds so 1884) running away (possibly a consequence of some of my actions, but we'll let that be for now), other members of my family were dividing a few tasks between themselves.

And as always, being the shining light onto the world that I am, I decided to volunteer my services to help them (because I felt a bit Christmas-sy, not because I had any guilt. Why would you think that? Geez.)

Right.

Apparently my family thought I was joking. Not that I blame them. So after a few minutes, after the loud laughter subsided, they continued their conversation, ignoring my expert advice.

Afterwards, when everyone went their way, sensing my opportunity, I went to the only person in the whole world who'll endorse my candidacy for President, my Mom. Then the following conversation ensued:

Me: So, Mom i wanna help out . . .
Mom: .. that joke is getting old, now ....
Me: No, seriously
Mom: Ok.... If you really want to help, just get ready on time ...
Me: Sure, I'll do that .. that's reasonable ...
Mom: And by on time I mean before the guests are scheduled to arrive, not when half the evening is over ....
Me: .... Ok, That's a little too much but do-able ....
Mom: And then come out of your room and say HI to them ....
Me: (*rolling eyes*, *shrugs*, *throws hands in the air*) Fine .... if you insist ....
Me: But seriously Mom, I wanna help ... anything I can do ...
Mom: No .. it's ok .... thanks ... it's the thought that counts ...
Me: Mom, please ..... I promise it It won't affect the once-in-six-months-schedule
....
Mom: Ok ... Ok .... Let's see .... if you really want to do something .......
Me: Yeah ....
Mom: Don't call the household help to do small tasks like fetching your shoes from YOUR cupboard ... or getting a can of Diet Coke from the refrigerator .... until the last of the guests have left ...
Me: WHAT? ... *gasp* *gasp* That is blasphemous .....it curtails my fundamental rights guaranteed under the constitution ..... it's forcing me to do something which is not only difficult but quite impossible ....
Me: *regaining composure* *tones down crazy* ... However, If that helps ....
Mom: Yes, it does ......
Me: Ok ..... that is asking too much .... but in the spirit of helping, I will not ask them to do such errr...ummm.... ahem .... *cough* small *cough* tasks....
Mom: Thank you .....
Me: Well, I'm just glad I could help out . . .
Mom: Yes, I don't know what I would have done without your help, son ....

Touché.


You know, sometimes, Mothers say the darnest things!!

For all those naysayers who doubted the degree and extent of my laziness . . . the defense rests. Metaphorically and physically.

Do what now???

In the past two weeks, the following devices in my room have malfunctioned - Mobile Phone, Backup Mobile Phone, Backup Mobile Phone Charger, A backup mobile phone I borrowed from my brother, A.C., A.C. Fuse (twice), Satellite TV & Radio, TV, Internet (Multiple Occasions, in fact while I was writing this)

So to say that I'm having a bad week electronic wise would be an understatement. As always, such events led to more questions:

Is this a coincidence? Why does everything I touch turn into a pile of unusable crap? Should I call people I don't like and use my powers to spoil their stuff? How will I call them? Is this limited to electronics? Will this effect other things I touch?

*VERY ALARMED*

... Let me check ... Okay uummmmmm .... That guy Saviola'a nice .....Wait ...wait for it ... yeah ... We're good here ...all systems go .......Whew!! Electric items only ........Scared the crap out of me. Typical male, right? Why does everything revolve around sex?

What's wrong with always thinking about sex? that's lesbian propaganda ... you ... idiot ... By the way ..Stop thinking about Saviola!!

Of course, he's so hot, how can you not think of him?? Stupid question. ........ NO... Focus, focus. Why is it so dark in here? WHAT HAPPENED? ... Switch on the lights first, jackass! Ok. Does that mean I have to get up? Crap. Damn. Double Damn. WTF do you mean double damn? What are you, a kid on Full House ... or a character from the 60's batman series? .... STFU and walk slowly now. You don't want to bump into anything and break it.

What's that thing near your feet? IT'S BREATHING!!! ....NOW IT'S LICKING YOUR FEET ........ JESUS CHRIST ...WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK..... Oh ..wait ..... it's just the dog ...Whew!! The lights stupid ....Get the lights .... hey look what the dog is doing...... funny mutt ...hehe ...Now... what did I have to do now ? ... Gawd!! ... my short attention span... Gawd!! ...didn't i just say that .....whatever..... I need to hire an assistant .... A hot assistant who looks like Saviola ..... Will you stop with the whole Saviola thing .... there are other things in life too .... Like what? ..... Well, there's Brian Kendrick .....and Mario Lopez ...... yeah i know .....now what did i get up for .....did I have lunch yet?? .... ...


See how much I love you guys? Who else would be stupid & crazy secure enough to post their conversation with themselves???

Now, what were we talking about again? Damn, did I mention I have a short attention span?

Freaky Friday

Why is each and every single person you meet at a public function obligated to ask you "So where are you working these days?" ? Are you only defined by where you work? Whatever happened to talking about the weather? When did that go out of fashion?

Why do children have to be so darn nice sometimes to make you (for a small period of time) want to have you own? And then spoil the moment by asking something so inanely stupid like Are you married??? that you laugh like Santa Claus high on crack ?

Why do you have to listen to a song after a long period of time and be reminded of a time in your life when you had dreams? When you didn't know that life is a like desert filled with a few small oasis of happiness? Why does it remind you of a time when you thought that you would one day grow up and change the world and not end up like everyone else? Why does that seem so stupid when you think about it now?

Why does the news of your favorite teenage waterhole being closed make you feel like someone who has already been canceled from prime time and is now running in syndication ?

What makes you want to spend a few days with your head in the sand just like an Ostrich? Just talk to no one, see or read nothing, just keep your head buried while you temporarily switch off your brain?

Why is it that you can't identify your emotions and actually know what the hell is wrong with you?

Why do you wake up one day and feel like everything around you has changed and then when the warm cup of black coffee brings you back to your senses (or whatever) you realize the only thing that changed was you?

Why do you keep procrastinating and not doing things you know you really need to do? Things you know would only benefit you?

Why do people have to assume that after living in a city for more than two decades would make you an expert at navigating through it?

Why do you lie awake at night thinking all these thoughts end up not sleeping for more than 24 hours??

The "me" Meme

Extry! Extry!! Tagged by Pepe.

Rules of the meme:

1. The blogger needs to write ten secrets about himself
2. Tag another ten people (Muhahahaha)

Since I'm supposed to spill secrets about myself, I actually dug deep, real deep.

So here goes, ten secrets about myself. *cue drum roll*

1. I suck at Hindi. It's supposed to be my first language, but I am absolutely horrendously incapable of reading or writing hindi correctly. I can speak it and understand it really well, but when it comes to reading or writing it, I am usually very wrong, much to the amusement of others.

2. Inside my overworked and underpaid heart, I'm a big frikin old school romantic. I actually want to meet someone for the first time, feel the sparks fly when we shake hands [or hug ..:P] and hear The Reason playing in the background as he falls in love with me while I act all cool and nonchalant.

Fine, fine. Go ahead and make fun of me. I can already hear people pointing and laughing.

*runs inside his room and slams door*

3. I really love books. No, I mean really I'd-even-dump-someone-who-reads-the-wrong-kind-of-books kind of love.
Imagine the following:

One day at a fine restaurant two boys are having their first date over good food and wine. After they finish eating, they head home. After a very satisfying .ummm..night's sleep, when they wake up in the morning, the following conversation takes place over juice, sausages and coffee:

boy 1: You have so many books ...
boy 2: (who I suspect we all know) Yes, I read a lot ....
boy 1: Well, I really don't get time to read much ... just a few books here and there
boy 2: (now in a state of alarm) (puts down the food) Which was the last book you read??
boy 1: The Da Vinci Code
boy 2: (flabbergasted) We need to talk ... *long pause*
boy 2: it's not you ...*brief pause* it's your books ..........

The above conversation might even take place sometime in the future. I think me and my books need to see other people. At least I need to do!! And yeah, I know I shouldn't be so anal particular about stuff like this.

4. I am extremely lazy. I hardly do anything for the people I live with (my family). In fact, these people have been taught to only ask me to do something once every six months. If I didn't have such a bright, illuminating presence, I'd feel sorry for them.

5. I haven't met an argument I couldn't win.

6. I am religious, spiritual, agnostic and an atheist all at the same time. Go figure. Even God's like "Pick an effing side, jackass".

7. I have lots of catchphrases and one liners which people around me steal a lot. I'm like the gay Seth Cohen. Except I am really not into comic books. Or chics.


8. I am addicted to coffee. in fact I have more cups of coffee than people have glasses of water. In an unrelated story, I like Vodka too. I'm just sayin.

9. My room is a big mess. I can only find things when they are where they should not be. If my room is neat and tidy and everything is in it's rightful place, I get a panic attack (well, almost).

10. I dunno anything about fashion. I wouldn't know a Gucci from a Valentino if it bit my ..errr.. nose. My dress mantra: Grab what's clean and nearby. (FYI Might need a makeover. Queer Eye for the Gay Guy perhaps??).

In fact, if I owned a Gay TV network, it would be more gay Big Brother and less Project Runway. Nooooo, don't throw me out. Wait. Listen ......


So those were a few secrets about me.

And now, I tag the following people. (Don't make that face. You got to know my secrets, it's only fair that I get to know yours. Didn't you learn when you were a kid, you see mine, I see yours. Hell, I still use this logic to justify a lot of my actions).

Chandni

Hish

Rebel

CT

Orange

FireFoxCub

And everyone else who reads the post.

So Pepe, where is my prize now?

The one with the Gay Universe

wc1: "Haha" .. "That was so gay"
me: So?
wc1: That was gay ...
me: SOOOOOOO?
wc1: Dude ... I said that was gay ......
me: And your point is ...... ?

So I had this insane conversation with a former work colleague (the one mentioned in this post). And as it usually happens with me, right after this silly conversation I had an epiphany.

I realised that for me, being gay has now become part of my personality (whatever little I have). It's become a non-issue. To me it is now as much a part of me like the hair on my head or the color of my eyes. It's not something that is on my mind a lot these days. Somedays I find that I'm reminding myself "Hey, You're Gay!!".

It seems that the the anguish over being gay that I was going through over the past few years has gone. While I still am trying to figure out a few things but as far as being gay is concerned, I'm ready to rumble.

So the things I used get torchered thinking about earlier now seem so natural, like a part of the flow of life. Even though i still have miles to go, like Neo from the Matrix, at least I'm sure about the door I need to open.

(Note: Please let me know if you got what I'm talking about. Cause I didn't. Thanks.)

Like when I picture myself in the future I don't imagine a house with a trophy wife and three kids running around or being estranged from everybody, but what I imagine is growing old with a cute guy [whose remained cute while I have grown fat and bald ..eeek no ...I'd rather die ... so just fat ... or not .. just forget it ..let's move on y'all...] living in a house which has it's own private beach being served alcoholic beverages while we relax and talk about politics, books, music, sex and how our straight friends are still attending to their children.

*Snaps out of dream*

The moral of the story is that the WhipperSnapper is actually at peace with the gay universe (gaverse? unigay?? whatever). Who wuda thunk it?