The darkness that I see outside my window is the same darkness which i feel inside my heart. For everyone around me, I smile, put on a happy face, be this mountain of joy. But i cannot hide the truth from myself. i cannot look in the mirror and not see the truth.
the world wants me to celebrate. the world expects me to celebrate. but what do i celebrate.
The pain of knowing that i have spent most of my adult life pretending to be someone i am not or the constant yearning for that special someone in whose ears i can whisper three little words, and for the first time in my life, mean them?
every year, this time i take stock. i promise myself, that this time it will be different. that i wont repeat the same mistakes. that by this time next year, things will be different. by this time next year, i will accomplish a few things that i set out to do, many, many years ago.
but that is the same promise i made last year. and the year before that. now i know not to trust my mind when it tells me that everything will be better next year. that all the planets will be in order and the moon will not eclipse the sun.
but by now i know better. i know the truth. nothing changes, things only get worse. there is no light at the end of the tunnel. the tunnel is a big loop which keeps going in circles taking your life along with it. until the circle is broken by the sweet, freedom inducing release of death.
do i celebrate the cloud of darkness that i see over my head everytime i look in the mirror or do i celebrate the fact that on days like these, or when i do something special, when i look next to me, i see nothing but an empty space.
yes, for the record i am happy. i play my role well. i know my lines. i have been practicing them for years. i even know the emotions i need to display. i know the answers to the questions people ask me. i know when to laugh at the jokes they attempt to crack which i know are not funny. but then i go on doing the same thing, year after year. for what? nothing gained, nothing lost.
but when i am alone, under that cloud of darkness, i know the truth. i cannot delude myself. i try but i cannot make the pain go away.
i want to cry my lungs out, but my eyes are dry. there are no tears. a certain numbness takes over me. where i talk, i speak, i see, i hear, i laugh, i get angry but i am not here. i am somewhere far away. somewhere i don't even know.
somedays i feel like that dream in which i keep falling, keep falling into an endless maze which has no end. i just hope to hit that sacred land that finally breaks my fall and i finally have the silence i want. the silence i search for. the silence where i don't hear anything. where nothing is said. where no questions are asked, no answers are given, no expectations are left unfulfilled, no wrong emotion is shown, where there is no distance between truth and reality, where whichever side you see, there is just empty, silent space. a silence which i haven't heard since the day i opened my eyes. just, pure, unadulterated silence. will i ever have that?