Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Blog protocol requires that I put the word 'random' somewhere in the title . . .

. . . but fuck blog protocol (I really need to start using another profanity. I'm not Kathy Griffin at NYE, for crying out loud).

I finally sat through When Harry met Sally and saw it at one go. *Spoiler Alert* - They do end up together. Whoopti-fucking-do. Damn straight people. They have it so easy. All they need to is to start hating someone and voila!, they end up spending the rest of their life with that person. Why in the blue hell do gay people love this movie? I guess that's because all of us need some sort of myth to believe in. Like Brangelina. Or the secret of the universe hidden inside Lady Gaga's magic peen.

* * *

Speaking of stupid things people believe in, is it me or everyone is getting married this season? About four different sets people I went to school with choose to spend eternity with each other's cooties. Some were even younger than I am.

I usually try to avoid weddings like the plague that they are, but since a few of these people were my drinking buddies and a few of them might be useful for a few (future) cheap laughs, I sorta went along.

Everybody had an average of four large dinner parties. I can never understand why people have so many do's when they are getting married. It's like their telling the world, We're going to spend the rest of our forlorn miserable existence together. We would like you and everybody else we know to believe that we are good, monogamous people, even though one of us looks like a whore. So come celebrate with us and stuff yourself with so much food that you need to loosen your belt buckle. Also, we make so much money that we can afford to feed a thousand people some pseudo-exotic fruit which, let's pretend, came from some exotic country. Now shut your pie hole and eat something.

If I were straight, I would have actually run off and got married in Vegas or something. But hey, it's your money. If you want to spend it feeding more than a thousand ungrateful souls, half of whom are jealous and the other half just pretending to like you, then please go ahead. Who am I to judge?

Although, I did get to meet some people I went to school with and laugh at their sad little existence. One of them had a really nice and interesting wife. If I wasn't so gay, I would've hit that. Too bad she's married to that insufferable old coot. I'm pretty sure she's going to become a cougar in twenty years.

* * *

I think I might have a small crush on the Baskin Robbins delivery guy. Well, at least that explains the freezer full of uneaten tubs of ice-cream in this arctic winter we've been having. They really DO have 31 flavours, ya know? Pretty neat. Coming back to the guy, he's smart, educated and does not take any tips. It's against "company policy". Geez. What a dork! Just take the money and drop your pants, you fool.

Sigh. Porn movies make it look so easy. (Not that I would know. I heard it from one of my ..ummm.. friends.)

Why does the sort-of-romantic part of my life always involve food in one way or the other? I think I have issues. Freud would have a field day. Thankfully, that mofo is dead.

No, I don't know anything about psychology. I accidentally read up on him a few years ago on wikipedia while I was aimlessly surfing the interwebs.

I was at work at that time. What else was I supposed to do?

* * *


Firebolt said...

If it makes you feel any better considering who it is about, Jane Lynch is also tying the knot with her girlfriend soon. Of course, they certainly won't be facing a forlorn miserable existence together.

By the way, the Gaga magic peen line made me el oh el hard.

Random fact: It is strange that my phone T9 dictionary recognizes 'Gaga' as a word but not 'haha'.

chandni said...

another super sexy post from you...made my day :D

Lets discuss the baskin guy over some ice cream eh??

beyond said...


H said...

I <3 cute delivery guys.
They're an elusive kind, though.
And I think Gaga is GOD!
Call me a flamer or whatever.

Tan said...

i am straight and a girl. how sorry i feel to be both when i read you!

Crazy Sam said...

Love the way you just explode. You are like a dormant volcano. When you erupt, it's one hell of a blast!

"I'm pretty sure she's going to become a cougar in twenty years." - Awesome imagination!

More on the delivery guy please. Yeah I too wish if it were as easy as they show in porn movies.

DewdropDream said...

You got that right, it is the bloody wedding season.

You call the delivery guy for an ice-cream party, that should solve romance and food issues in one go :P

Saadi said...

Hahahaha....the Cougar comment made me go roflmao!!

Whippy ur freak'in Sam said, u need to explode more!!

Peeking Duck said...

Wow. I love your space. I love its design. I love that you use profanity so much, although sometimes it just gets boring. And I love that you are so clued in.

The Restless Quill said...

I could argue a whole lot with this piece but your sheer force and conviction leaves me applauding. I'll be back for more :)

unsungpsalm said...

Lol! It was much fun laughing so much again, Ramby!
An educated Baskin Robbins delivery guy? I want!

And you complaining about free exotic food? You'll just write anything, won't you?

The Line of Beauty said...

People around me too are marrying right, left and center. I don't know if some sort of paranoia has seized them to get married to the most unsuitable person they could find.

Btw, I am sure you have made that ice cream guy up yourself. ( if you have not, send me their number, I want to check some candies too )

And I sooooo know life is not a porn flick, alas!! :(

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

@Firebolt: Yes, that does make me feel better. That woman should be President of the world!!

And yes, every object recognizes gaga because she is the queen of everything!

@Chandni: Thanks, babe! Yes, we need to have a long discussion!

@H: We all do!! And I wish i could be a flamer! They are so fab!

@Tan: Awww, thanks! This made my day!

@Sammy: Thanks! Life would be so much easier if it were like a pron movie! Hehe!

@DDD: Haha, I think he probably is not interested! But that sounds like a plan!

@Saadi: Thanks! Well, I guess, I need to be dormant for a while to explode ever so often! Heh!

@Peeking Duck: Thanks! Yes, I try to be self-aware. Not as much as John Mayer, but just a little bit!

@Restless Quill: Haha, well, hope to hear more from you then!

@USP: Ummm, you're too far from him anyway! Also, exotic food which isn't actual exotic food pisses me off!

@LoB: I think it's a disease! Also, STAY AWAY FROM THE ICE CREAM GUY! Thanks! :P . . .

Smriti said...

Hello! Hopped, skipped and stumbled on your blog as I was making my way along the internet highway!

People around me are getting hitched, becoming parents and getting divorced too! Wonder if I'm living in some lost parallel universe!

Like your writing, btw!

And the Baskin Robbins guy crush! Not judging! I recently found a super hot cop! Guess who's driving down that route more often!! :D