Friday, April 3, 2009

This post has died and gone to Costa Rica

Recently, a few people I sort of knew have been visited by the grim reaper.

I only attended the funeral of one of them. Because I only go to funerals of people with whom I have some sort of emotional attachment.  Or if people I know have some sort of emotional attachment to the deceased. If I wanted to see people pretend to cry for no reason I would watch a woman-oriented film.

It's really revealing to see human nature at one of these things. The ability of the human race to be self-involved does not seem to surprise me.

At the funeral I attended, one of the "mourners" thought it was appropriate to inform me that obesity will kill me one day and tell me that she had recently completed a course and was now a practicing dietician. It's good she did not do a course in reading faces otherwise she would have known that at that very moment, I wanted her to drop dead.

The velocity at which people tend to move on is surprising. The speed at which they can turn their conversation from politics to how attached they are to the deceased and then to how the new pocket car from the TATA's is going to clog the already clogged streets of Delhi is mind boggling.

Not that I am above the fray. When the first of the deaths happened, the first question that came into my mind was, "Do I make fun of him anymore?".  Just because someone has passed away does not mean that they suddenly turn into a saint? We can still laugh at their expense, can't we? Nobody turns around and remembers Hitler fondly just because he's dead? No one really wants to build temples dedicated to Attila the Hun, do they? Has anyone tried to bring Lenin back to life have they? Well, actually, after they bought Dick Cheney back to life, they kind of ended the research on trying to bring back monsters to life.

I was also appalled by all the customs that need to be followed when someone dies. I find them really perverse. Our ancestors must have been crazy & heartless sumbitches to come up with such crazy shit.

Strangely, one thing common to all those people who have passed away is that they were sort of senile. Now,  personally, I would not want to live that long. And I would not want to die like that.

My death should be sudden. Like one minute I'm insulting somebody and the next minute I fall down on the floor while hitting my head on some piece of furniture which is modern & edgy. Also, I don't want any blood cause I hate to spill anything on my shirt. And red kind of clashes with black.

I imagine that when they carry my fat carcass to cremate, I might break the edifice and fall down and go rolling down the cliff. Note to self: Stay away from places which are near a cliff. That's one of the reasons I would prefer to be electronically cremated. That and because I'm allergic to smoke. I wouldn't want to add to global warming. I believe once you're dead, it's a good time to think about the environment.

And instead of having a priest read out some mumbo-jumbo in a language no one really understands, I would like a stand-up comedian to perform. Preferably someone who is funny. And has appeared on The Tonight Show at least twice.

That's because I might be dead, but I still got standards to maintain, you know?

16 comments:

Pixie said...

LOL!!!

Brilliantly funny! (i.e. if such a phrase exists! :P)

but, yes, its kind of weird that people don't take enough time to mourn and that the pretend tears fall thick and fast...

Sunshine said...

Somebody gave you advice at funeral ??????? God bless such people !!

Stray said...

Sir-jee,

I wud like very much to proffer my application for said post of funeral stand-up comic. I am having plethora of dead, fat man jokes... total of 2 and both are giving good impression of dead fellow as they are dealing with prompt resolution of world hunger (without necessity for passage of UN Resolution).

If your kind self could consider my application favourably, I will treat to you one full tandoori chicken at no cost to you and furthermore will be much obliged. The experience will be doing a galaxy of good to my sagging resume.

Sincerely thanking u in anticipation.

(P.S. - Dont mean I'm willing to go down on or bend over for ya, but given the recession...)

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

You're back...and how! Missed you!

And here's hoping your 'death wish' comes true when it's time for the fat lady/boi to sing!

Harshita said...

Hehe....

People are really weird, I must say... how can they think of advising someone on a funeral...ahem!!

I wish she cud read ur face... wud have shut her mouth then...

Hmm... you are one funny soul... and innovative too... Stand-up comedian and not a priest when u r cremated... lol...

Stray said...

Saar,

Yet another request from your humble, sincerest munda from the South of our great Indian country.

I am been having severe pain in my heart thinking about your dying... it is causing utter depression in my life. Therefore, I am kindly requesting that you please not do dying-shying any time quickly.

Under said circumstances, I am grateful if your kind self could kindly condescend to kindly give reference and respect to my resume for purpose of giving humour-full eulogies and thereby provide my capable self with the weightage that has been lacking for some eternity.

I shall await you to sprout forth your kindness in all its glory.

[P.S.- I would like to end by providing you a mere sample of my grasp of foreign languages (this one's in one of our favourites, Italiano), which ought to be taken into consideration only if I am rejected for the position: "Vaffanculo a Lei, la sua moglie. Lei e' un cafone stronzo. Io non mangio in questo merdaio! Vada via in culo!"]

DewdropDream said...

I see you've made all the arrangements already. Costa Rica has enough pretty boys to last you a lifetime. Or afterlife :D

Haan but please, as Stray says, no dying-shying anytime soon okay. Not unless you carry on blogging afterwards.

unsungpsalm said...

Tell us something about your life...
How's it going?

bloggingknight said...

:D

I thought sth else... thank god you are still alive...and making fun of others :P

D said...

Wow! You've actually thought of how you'd like to die in such great detail! I could never do that.

As for funerals, I think they're the biggest sham of all social events. Nobody's mourning the dead, nobody's comforting their family. They're all just there to catch up with long lost family, count the number of "well-wisher" of the family, gossip about what's going to happen with the dead person's property, money etc, find the person on whom they can blame the person's death...

Still thinking said...

I'd like to RSVP in advance for that funeral ceremony, please ;)

Ipshi said...

hey whippy! loved ur post! as usual right? can i please be invited to this funeral... the way ppl r posting about it ... it looks like its gonna turn out to b The to-be-seen-at event!

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

@Pixie: Thanks ... Well, it's because people tend to make an apperance at such do's more out of social obligation than actually caring about someone ...

@Sunshine: Lol ... Actually .. I hope not .... :P ...

@Stray: Well, since I don't want to cost my family much money after I die, I mean they already are spending so much because of the shrine and everything ... You're hired. And this does mean you would need to bend over. But we can work out the details later.

@Mamma mia: :D .. Missed you too .... well, it's probably going to be a fat boy. I'm planning on recording a special "greatest hits" album for my funeral. :P ...

@Harshit:... :D ... Well, I do plan to put the "fun" back in funeral ...

@Stray: Well, I'm not dying anytime soon .... I do have some things I need to do first ... Like eat a whole turkey ... and fyi ... Cappo Di Cazo, troia, un pompino ..... :P ...

@DDD: Firstly, you never siad nothin about me comin to London .... and secondly, I never went to costa rica, the post did ... :P ... Oh, I will carry on blogging even after I die .... I already have signed the contracts for that ... :P ...

@USP: Is that you, twitter? . . . It's going good, thanks for asking .. :P ... And I do get your point ....

@DK: :D ... Don't worry ... I'm not dying anytime soon .. Hopefully ...

@D: Well, I do have some time on my hands .. so it's bound to happen ... And you're right about funerals being a sham ....

@Still thinking: Well, I'll add your name to the list, then ... :P ...

@Ipshi: Yes, everyone who's anyone is going to be there .... :P ...

Phoenixritu said...

Oh along with all that, can we please have some chaat stalls are your funeral feast? I promise I'll drop by, even if I am dead and a bhootni

Just call me 'A' said...

You make even the most serious things of life, such fun to read, that it does not really makes one sad. that's an art and a gift. me, like to go quietly and without a bang...in my sleep preferable so that i don't know it's happening.

I've seen people say the darnest things at funerals. maybe because of the "uncomfortable-ness" of death.

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

@Ritu: Chaat stalls? Okay .. I'll have someone talk to the caterer ... Sounds like a dishy idea ...

@A: No, I'd like to go out just like I came in .. with a bang ... :P ...