Monday, January 12, 2009

This post is so fat that you'd want to ask it to lose weight

For fat people, the whole world is nothing like an oyster. It's more like a banquet hall filled with people who offer unwanted, patronizing advise.

If I had a nickel for every time someone has counseled me or advised me or given me tips on how to lose weight or warned me that I'm dying, I'd have enough money to have my own 21 storey library.

We all know that most people have this dellusional, self-fufilling prophecy that they know how this world works and that they need to impart this knowledge to other, lesser intelligent life forms. So that fact that I need to lose weight has been pointed out to me by a thousand candidates applying for the post of Field Marshal Obvious. In return, I give them a gift of information. I let them know that they are ugly or that their daughter's a whore or that their fifteen year old son just stole my Dad's favorite Ming vase to finance his cocaine addiction.

Of course, my Dad does not have a favorite ming vase, I never consider anyone a whore and I'll probably have a cocaine addiction when I'm forty because that's considered like dying in gay years. But it's fun to watch people drop their jaw and have a nice, warm, hazelnut flavored cup of shut the fuck up.

The advise to lose weight is often accompanied by a collorary which states that unless I lose weight I would never be able to find a thin life partner (which in 15 Indian languages means a subservient Indian housewife). Yes, because that's what the world revolves around. Thin, "fair" husband worshiping, pseudo-slave wives whose primary destiny of existence is to keep having daughters until she manages to produce a male child.

The mere thought makes me lose my lunch. Or the very least my after lunch super meal.

This remindes me of an incident. A few weeks ago, one of our family friends was visiting our house with a so called "holy" guru. Now, my family has a lot of family friends and they keep visiting. I tried to educate them about being mean and petty but they don't care about values which are important to me. Then they accuse me of not trying to bond. The nerve.

So I usually don't go to meet these family "friends" unless food items from my favorite bakery are involved. So, unfortunately for everybody except me, on that particular day, my sixth sense told me that there was choclate truffle being served and I happen to enter the room where everyone was sitting.

So this schizophrenic (not actually diagnosed, but that's what I call people who claim to speak with God. Or claim to have met Clint Eastwood.) woman serves me the usual you-must-lose-weight meal along with a side order of thin-girl-logic. So as she broke the rule of not speaking to me when I am eating, which everyone knows is sacrosanct and must be followed even during earthquakes and hurricanes, I told her to get stuffed. I called her bigoted, short sighted and said that even the statue of the laughing buddha in our drawing room is closer to God than she is.

The woman ended up putting a curse on me. Well, pick a number, medusa.

Another irritating habit that people have is to make really bad fat jokes. The only thing people say about fat people is that they eat too much. All their jokes are based on that. The other day this school acquaintance pinged me on facebook and he cracked the same joke he did on the last day of school when I poured beer on his head. I mean, c'mon chuckles, if you can't make up a good joke then at least google for one. If you want to make fun of someone, at least have the decency to use jokes which are funny. Otherwise you're just a Jay Leno wannabe.

My point is (do I EVER have one? Are you surprised?) is that fat people got the memo on being classified as ugly and not desirable when they started using swimsuit models for adverts for tobacco companies. I believe that if I have to change who I am (a glorified food whore) to get someone to like me, then it's not worth it. At least that's what I read in the best selling book "The Monk who ate his Ferrari" (It's a good read, btw). Sometimes a tiny sliver of insecurity does creep in, but then on those days I simply order a ceaser salad.

I know I do have to lose weight someday because it's not good for one's health. And maybe someday I will. When they find a way to make diet fried chicken which tastes as good as the one made using the Colonel's secret recipe.

Until then, can you please pass the coleslaw?

33 comments:

Sarsij said...

You match my sentiments about the fatty issue :), I am also sitting on the same side of the thin line between the fatty and not fatty guys.

My case is slightly more troubled.....alongwith advices, I also keep getting those tools to keep my weight in control - weighing machine, skipping rope, honey bottles, diet pepsi cans.....etc etc

Dude, you are still in a better position than what I am in. But still I too try to manage the same approach and attitude towards such people.

keep it up!

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

Cheers to you!

*and M4 raises her sinfully creamy chocolatey giant-sized serving of mocha latte with her stubby fingers*

D said...

Dude, you can give as many reasons as you want to for not wanting to lose weight, but the truth is that at the end of it you'll still need to lose some of it.

And that is how I act "mean and petty". Ha!

DewdropDream said...

I get this all the time. Except, everyone thinks I'm anorexic. I'm not. Been drafting just such a post... needle me till I actually post it.

Phoenixritu said...

This apartheid is carried on by Doctors too ... doctors take one look at me and do not bother to check my symptoms - they simply say "Lose weight". I could kill them

unsungpsalm said...

To clarify, I explicitly heard you say you would take weight loss tips from me, before offering any!

And I know you can do it, Ramby. I know you can.

Barry: Are gay guys only about bodies and faces?

Jack: Absolutely not. They're only about bodies.

Just call me 'A' said...

I'm a sucker for good food....and I just love to eat and cook. I also fall under those category of women who put on weight easily. So I'm always on the thin line between fat and thin. But what I do now is eat all that I want and as much as I want too and workout like crazy. I also make sure I check my body fat and balance my other nutrients. It's works and it helps. tedious though. Go loose weight ;) .. LOL

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for a long time now, but de-lurking for the first time.
First of all, I like your writing. It's witty and intelligent.
this post, however, is not.
Losing weight is good. It will make you look better for yourself. Keep you healthier.
Besides, if you have already decided to lose some weight, why do you become so defensive about the whole issue???

-Venkat

Prash said...

I agree with you when you talk about HEALTH but discrimination or any sort of action like this just because one is fat ain't right !

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

@Sarsij: Oh yeah .. I get lots of lose-weight-now contraptions every now and then!! Just last week I got a slim sauna belt!! :P ...

@M4: Cheers .... *Raises plate full of burgers and fries in one hand and a glass of diet coke in the other*

@D: Et Tu, Brute? And about you being mean and petty: I've had better ... :P ...

@ddd: I know what you mean. And why isn't the post up yet?

@Ritu: I know!! I keep changing doctors in the hope that they'll actually blame something besides my huge belly of jelly!!

@usp: Well, in the immortal words of shaggy, It wasn't me!! And I know gay guys are all about bodies. But I'm hoping that there are at least a few like me out there. All of us can get together and start a ga bar for gay outcasts. We can call it "The Fat Anus"... :P :P ...

@A: O, I watch my calories too. A few minutes before I devour them. :P ... And I admire you for walking the "thin" line ... I've always failed to be consistent about that!!

@Venkat: Thanks .. I'm not being defensive. This post was intended as an expose on how patronizing, bigoted and sexist some people are towards fat people.

@Prash: I wish more people thought like you ...

Firebolt said...

I'm getting fatter by the day. I have a visible double chin now. Blame it on Colonel Flanders, my hostel menu, other fast food and my lazy lifestyle. And I HATE it when people point it out and start lecturing me on it. I feel you, RWS.

Phoenix from the flames said...

Dude hats off! its like you snatched the word right out of my mouth. Also let me take this opportunity to share a recent experience with you. My mom introduced me to a guy recently (for marriage don’t you know) and well he liked me and said yes almost instantly. On hearing this some one near and dear to me almost fell off their chair. Having met the guy themselves they were pretty shocked as to how such a "good-looking" and "handsome" boy could settle for me. Since that day this near and dear one has been taking pot shots at me and has not missed an opportunity to draw comparisons between my life and the movie "shallow hal". i mean WTF

pepe M. said...

just to ay hi!
will get back to you soon...

missing you lots....

mwahhhhhhhhhhh!

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

@Firebolt .. Oh Honey, You just started out ... I have years of experience under my belt ..... wait .. that metaphor is wrong in so many ways .....

@Phoneix: Oh My God, why do you listen to that person? Just go up to them and tell them, "Dude I'm fat. You're ugly. I can diet!!!" .. And best of luck for your wedding!! .... Don't be one of those brides who don't even taste the food at their own wedding ... :P ... cheers ...

@Pepe: Wheeee!! Hiii .. whr R you?? .. missing you too ... *hugs* ...

sunshine said...

man You have guts. And I have had same exp as Phoenix said. Anf these thin buggers who eat every junk under this sky and still can not put on weight keep advising not to eat this and that while they munch that crispy samosa and bread pakoda. How mean !!

La Vida Loca said...

Man I wish I had your confidence.
Baby steps

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

@sunshine: I know!! I hate when people preach ....

@La vida loca: Thanks .. Oh, you should have wayyy more confidence than i have .. :P ..

DewdropDream said...

I object!!! I do not tell people to not eat this and that while I munch away and not gain weight. No fair. *pout*

And where is the new post?

bloggingknight said...

very true ramby. :D

oh btw: it seems lately your posts start with title, this post.....

are you trying to bring "this post is..." revolution??

hehe :)

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

@ddd: You have what I term as a "lucky-metabolism" ... You can eat anything and have nothing to show for it . Lucky DDD!!!

@dk: yeah ... kind of .. but only on my blog though .. :P ..

Neha said...

Guess who's back? Back again :D! Why, its me of course!! Can't stay away from ur blog for TOO long....although, this was a pretty long break!

Anyway, needless to say, i can SO relate to u! I get that "u have to get thin or ur life's gonna suck" speech! And then, u have to listen to their idea of a fitness regime...a lifestyle that i should start following immediately if i want to get somewhere!! Ugh, gimme a break! Even if i want to be comfortable in my skin, people just dont give me a chance!!

Anyway, happy thoughts happy thoughts! Good to be back! Great to read stuff about u :D!!

Keep Writing!
Neha

Neha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
unsungpsalm said...

You dead or something?

Look alive, fatso... Post already!

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

Who you calling a fatso?????????????

*Stares innocently*

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

@neha .... yo ..... good to see you back .... where were you? .. fighting crime? ... coming up with a solution for global warming? ..... shooting a film which has a gay subtext? ..... Huh, Huh, Huh????

i know exactly what u talkin about ... people can go on and on about this ....

good to see you back, ...

DewdropDream said...

hee hee :D I'm going to echo USP... new post please!!!

Aaarti said...

Hey

Came here from Chandu's blog and must say i completely enjoyed this post of yours.. just wen i was starting to throw curses and some more at the world, i open our blog and see just what i needed!!! Someone who'll join me in the same or has beat me to it...

people assume we all just sit on our ass and not do anything.. or we keep eating... which is not true.. anyways, hope one day the society changes!!!:)

more might to your pen!!:)

madgal said...

For a while i have been reading your blog on and off. I think i found your blog via SSD. can't remember?

I have just read this and 3/4 years ago i was on the borderline of fat / not fat. Last year I crossed and am still moving ways from that line to fat. Since about september last year everyone has a comment or advise about me lossing weight or I will not find a husband. Well stuff them!

Anyway some people said your new year resolution should be to lose weight. So I replied

" eat more, lose less!"

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

@ddd: What? You calling me a fatso too??? *Shocked*

@Aarti: Hey ... People think it's as easy as just saying it .. They have no idea what we go tough.... But good to see I ain't alone ... :P ...

@madgal: yeah .. way to go .. tell those people to go get stuffed .... lol @ your reply to people ...

Just call me 'A' said...

where are you? some fat clinic :D lol....come back i have awards for you :)

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

I'm here .. I'm here .. I would never go to a fat clinic and betray my tribe of fat people ... :P ....

And you spoil me with your awards .... Thankee ... :)

Intustock said...

wow! what a blog you have in here. I spent almost the whole day reading up. Like your sense of humour. Do you have a followers link, I would like to be updated.

Intustock said...

Ya, and I want to abuse all who expect me to be thin, slim etc etc...what do you want me to look like 'a super model or what??'...c'mon give me a break
I am just 3 or so kilos out of range. And yet I have to hear the rubbish of eating right, not conscious of figure etc craaap.