Is that a banana in your pocket or are you really happy to see me?

So I enter this espresso bar, grab a table, sit, take out my laptop, pretend not to notice anyone else, actually not notice anyone else, order my caffe poison, put on some music and start typing/browsing.

Then, as luck would have it, I accidentally notice that a smart, almost-hunk is on the opposite table is checking me out. I pinch myself three times to ensure that this is not the usual nightmare where the hunk turns into godzilla and starts eating me up. Once I confirmed that it was in fact reality, I proceed to process the information.

Is he for real? Is he really checking me out or just looking at me so as to make jokes with his friends? Not that I really care. Is he one of them wonderfully big-hearted chubby chasers I keep hearing about? Does this mean that there IS a God? Does my hair look good? Who am I kidding? My hair always looks good.

Then he started to smile.

I put on my best I-may-be-fat-on-the-outside-but-let's-pretend-I-have-a-personality-on-the-inside face so as to enable him to fall in love with me.

Anyways, he keeps looking and smiling and I keep getting more and more conscious. I even almost drop my cup of java.

Then his friend, who had her back towards me looks at me and says something to me. I guess that she is his fag hag and was just approving me. After all, I had just the right expression on my face.

So she turns towards me and asks me politely

Fag Hag: Excuse me, what song is that?

Me: Which song?

Fag Hag (a little taken aback): ..ummm... The one you are listening to ...

Me (snapping out of planning my first date with the almost-hunk): Oh..,that

Me: It's .... (forgetting name of song ) ...

Me: *long pause* .. How to save a life by The Fray....

Fag Hag (smiling): ... Cool ... Thank You ....

Me: That's quite alright ...

Me (inner voice): Quite alright? What are you? A 1896 homosexual or a log cabin republican? Couldn't you say, that's okay or no problem .... Are you kidding me with this shit? .... Who forgets the name of the song? ... You fucking listen to it a gazillion times a day ... you moron .. you'll never have a boyfriend ....

Fag Hag: My friend here likes the song ....

Me: He has good choice in music .... hahaha (--> the i-love-him-laugh)

Me (inner voice): Why are you so fucking lame? Seriously, since when did you turn shy? Is that even a joke.... No, dumbass ... that is why no one's laughing ... and you don't count pinhead ....


I play the song again. The almost-hunk smiles again.

Then it happened.

Both of them got up. The fag hag looked in my direction. She smiled.

Then, the almost-hunk wears dark black shades, picks up his walking stick from under the table and both of them head out.

The almost hunk was BLIND.

Yes. Someone who couldn't SEE.

He was visually challenged.

So he was not checking me out, the moron was doing some fucking eye exercises.


Whoever runs this bloody planet is a really big frikin tease.



Now please excuse me while I go make fun of people who don't have much going on in their lives.



Anyone who points out the irony is going to have one big fat lip. Men or women. I don't discriminate.