.......................

So my brother is upstairs with his girlfriend. I sorta helped him sneak her in. Wow. Sigh. (Sigh = when-will-i-be-able-to-sneak-in-my-boyfriend).
I've been in such a state the last few days. This sooo helps. Will my brother help me sneak in my boyfriend? No way hozay!! He'll be too shocked to do that. Funny thing, my brother was giving me a lecture on pre-marital sex when I was sick a few months ago. I told him that (a) It's hypocritical when you give the speech and (b) ha!

I have been up the whole night for the past few days. Been sleeping at 8 or 8.30 am. Waking up at 6.00 pm.

I've suddenly been consumed by the need to listen to old (70s, 80s, 90s) songs. I mean I've been listening to That's the way I Like it, The way we do it, You can't touch this (Nooooo) and Superfreak!! What's wrong with me?

Also, I found two songs of Bow Wow... I Mean Bow FUCKIN Wow which are so apt for my situation right now. (1) Shorty like mine (2) Outta my System ........ I never thought this day would come .... I'm finding common cause with Bow Wow ..... *bangs head on table* Though Chris Brown is sooo hot *bangs head on wall*

My work friend just stole my callback tune. I mean a life-threating accident does not give you the excuse to do that. Just because you have seen the white light you cannot just go around copying people's callback tunes. That's just wrong. Motherfucker. I now have to change mine.

I'm so overwhelmed by the response to this post ........... (and I mean to say that in the most sarcastic British accent possible. Thanks.)

The Stalker is back

Yes. You read the title right. And no, this does not refer to me. (*hears collective gasp*)

So, there is this girl, who has been in love with me for the past 4 or 5 years. (*Stop pinching yourself*). Let's refer to her as S girl from now on. So here is the story.

S girl and me have been friends since childhood because our dads were best friends. We're about the same age, though one of us is a few months older. So since childhood we became friends because our parents used to meet often and well, playing with each other was better then trying to understand our parents conversation. So we became sorta/pseudo friends. We also used to fight a lot because of our different views of life (mainly because I was rubber and she was glue ...ahem. Yeah).

Anyways, we grew up and reached that age when my parents couldn't force me to tag along everywhere they went. So we used to rarely meet and lost touch.
Then one day, due to some inexplicable reason, our families decided to go for an overnight picnic to someplace to have a family picnic. I had to tag along after being requested/forced/bribed.
So we met and well strangely got along and had some nice conversations. We started somewhere in the day and ended up talking to each other till the next morning.
We had covered a range of subjects (love, life, parents, sex, abortion ....) and she had fallen asleep (in the morning, after breakfast) on my lap (yes, it was a signal...errr..maybe not).
So S girl and me exchanged numbers and became friends again albeit in a more mature sense of the word. We met a few times on our own (our parents knew about it) and she even bought her best friend to see me one day (no, it was a girl, sadly). Anyway, so, she we continued to keep in touch over the phone, meet up a few times, etc.

So then there was this this huge marriage in my family, and due to a combination of having all my friends in nauseating relationships and feeling lonely at a wedding, I kind of convinced myself that I love her and I sort of asked her out. After a few emotional phone calls, we started going out. I found out that this was her first relationship. I already was aware that she was selfish and needy, but I also found out that she was this whiny, needy, overbearing, overpossessive, irritating (all qualities straight guys look for in a wife) girl. So, to save myself from insanity, I broke up with her a few days before the wedding. Feeling lonely was always better than feeling overwhelmingly insane.

So the wedding came and went and as her birthday came up and I wished her through a text message (oooooooooo .....).

So a few days late, I was having dinner with one of my friends and told him the whole story. He told me that I was stupid and that true love only comes once and that I should at least give her a chance etc. etc. So he, having the infinite wisdom of the ages, made me call her and kind of set up a date to meet her the next day. He tagged along.

So after we met her, I was again turned off more by her and he, again in his infinite wisdom, had just the following to tell me "Stay as far away from her as possible!!". And this was not just because she had promised to join salsa classes with him. No siree Bob.

So as I now had conformation, I stayed the fuck away from her.

Over the next month her attitude began to completely change. She used to give me missed calls on my mobile every hour. She started sending me dozens of messages on my mobile. When I did not respond to her calls and messages, she started calling on my landline and after even those attempts failed, she used to try to give me a call from a different number each time. It was so bad that I had to change my number a few times. She used to call my landline under different pretexts or have her friends call and get my new number. I literally stopped giving out my mobile number at all. Six months into this, I told my parents. My Dad didn't beleive me until I showed him the messages she used to send me. I had saved those messages because I wanted to have proof that I wasn't contacting her at all because I feared that she would claim to be the mother of my child one day (seriously, it was THAT bad!!).

The kind of messages that had started to come from her bordered on crazy & psyco. They started from love messages to explicit xxxx messages to really bad wife-killing-husband jokes.
I requested my parents not to say anything to hers because I didn't want a friendship of a few decades to be spoilt by a raging psychopath. But then her parents started to call me to wish me on my birthday, her mom kept asking about me from my mom. However, after a year, all this stopped, though I continued to receive one sided conversation messages from her. I even started using my old number again.

I cut of all contact I had with the whole group of our parents common friends and never used to attend a wedding, dinner or anything of those families.

So, last year, I heard that she was getting married. I was on TOP of the world. Get this, her husband, has the same last name as me, and his first name rhymes with mine. Anyhow, I was just glad that she was getting married.

So, being the idiot I am, I decided to attend her wedding (well, chalk down one to morbid fascination). Besides getting a fuck-you-she's-getting-married look from most of her family, and a you-don't-attend-weddings look from the rest, I went up to the stage to wish her, and she WINKED at me. She fucking winked. My sister saw that. She, advised me to get he fuck out of there before the pheras (the Hindu version of "I Do") lest something dramatic happens.

So the whole long ass blog entry is an explanation for the following. Well, her husband works overseas. I was glad to have a few thousand miles of distance between us. But a few months ago, she came back (apparently some problem with her visa). And her husband's home is a few blocks away from mine. She's now at a distance of 15.45 minutes away from my house. Over the past week, she has been calling me over some pretext or the other. So I have again started ignoring her calls.

So, S girl is back. Uh-oh.

YOU tell me ...

So I finally heard from Ryan about the text I sent him here. Though he did not reply to my text, he pinged me on a social networking site. His reply is two weeks after I wished him for his Uni interview.

So basically his reply is:

sup ___ . srry for replyin late ... my i/views went really bad ... ______ not very promisin .... u temme?

Now, what do I do? Do I reply at all? To be fair, his i/views did not go very well so maybe he didn't feel like replying. But don't I deserve better .... Now do I continue contact with him (as per my pledge) or just leave it? Remember, he doesn't know that I have feelings for him, to him I'm just a casual friend.

So what should I do? Any suggestions?

One thing led to another ....

So Ryan and I were playing basketball. I, was, of course, winning. And then suddenly, due to a sudden maneuver by me, he scratched his arm. So naturally, we went to my room and I got the antiseptic and the cotton and started to apply that on the wound. We were standing so close to each other that we could smell each other's sweat. When I touched him, there was a certain kind of electricity that passed between us. We glared into each other's eyes and we knew. One thing led to another and before you could say "Hallelujah" we started kissing each other. It started with a small peck on the cheek. Then we found each other's lips and then we let our tongues play with each other. What followed was a moment of pure ecstasy. We could even hear a thousand symphonies playing in the background. We then moved on to the bed. We undressed each other with an earnest eagerness. We made love like it was meant to be. We were hungry for each other and it showed.

And then suddenly, the phone rang and I WOKE UP !!!!


Yes, this was my dream. Fat chance of this ever happening in reality. Even though I hadn't thought about my Ryan the whole day, I woke up to this dream. And this was a dream that I truly felt. It was so..so surreal. I have never been able to recollect most of my dreams but boy ... I remember this one to the last detail.

Though I am now perturbed. Am I still thinking about him subconsciously? Is this a representation of the juxtaposition of my mind? Or is it just a plain and simple projection of a fantasy? Well, for now, I am going to drop all the psychology and just enjoy the thought.

The clock is ticking ..

So valentines day is approaching. The whole corporate marketing juggernaut really doesn't let you forget it. That's all you hear. If it isn't adverts by greeting card companies or by mobile operators asking you to wish/dedicate a song/strangle your valentine it's the TV channels with their "valentine special" or "pre-valentine" special. There was even an article in the business papers about valentines day. I mean shut up. And the final straw was my friend calling up to ask me how to celebrate valentines day with his wife as it would be their first valentines day after marriage. Yeah. Me. Aaaargh. I so needed that. $#!#@$#@&$%

Not that I am not happy (who am I kidding) for the people who have found true love (or something like that), it can get really irritating sometimes. Not that I'm really grumpy like this every valentines day (yes, I am). It's just that I don't want to get reminded of the "International-how-the-fuck-do-you-not-have-a-date" day everywhere I walk in (take the sign off from the KFC; this is not a McDonald's!).

All I want to do right now is get into bed (preferably with someone...but no chance of it happening this soon) and wake up on 15 February. But fat chance of that happening. Though running away is not a solution I ever follow (HA!).

The worst thing is that I gotta take my cousins clubbing tomorrow. Yeah... that sounds like fun.

Something Stupid...and it sucks

Did you hear about the mattress tester who was fired? He stayed awake on the job.

..... Speaking of being stupid ..... (that's why I opened with a stupid joke) ...... I did try to contact Ryan again. On the day he was supposed to be interviewed for his Uni, I sent him the following text:

Hey bro ...best of luck with your i/view, it's today isn't it? .... Let me know how it turns out .....

Yes, ladies and gents, I am now officially a stalker ... not literally but I guess to Ryan anyway now. And ..... and this is a very important and ..... I got no reply. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Zer-ooooo. Not even a "hiya, thanks mate" .... or a "it went great ... i love you too ..." . Well I know I am pushing it with the last one, but it would've been nice to be acknowledged.

It's times like these when I fell the need for a gay friend or a straight friend who isn't homophobic.
So I can discuss this with them and they can stop me from shooting myself in the foot and be angry with me and shout at me with a i-told-you speech when I go ahead and do it anyway.

Sometimes I feel like I am in a deserted island. No gay friends. No gay acquaintances. No gay contacts. My only contact with the gay world seems to be this blog which itself only has about 1 reader(s) (besides me.....I am appalled that you would think that...though I don't blame you). This says a lot about my social life right now. All my friends are either busy/married/pissed at me/overseas.

And the worst thing is that I don't even know if anyone's gay or not and how would I approach them. It just sucks.

I do yearn for a gay/non-homophobic friend who I could talk to just about stuff and discuss the whole Ryan thing with them and they would stop me from making such stupid stupid mistakes.

In the end, I followed my own advise (no.. I do NOT suffer from MPD .....although this particular blog entry is written by Zanny B) and deleted Ryan's number from my mobile. Not that it would help much, but I have finally decided not to contact Ryan at all, again. So ..here goes nothing. Again.

It's been crazy .....

It's been a real crazy ten days.

I've got family visiting from overseas.

I was really dreading thier visit because:

(a) They would expect me to drop everything and show them around
(b) I would tirelessly have to explain the difference between how things work here and how they work in their home country
(c) They would disturb my really busy schedule i.e. moping around, reading self-help (okay ... self-development... geez) books, trying to figure out what I wanted to do, Eat, reading gay blogs, writing gay blogs, looking at gay erotica (yeah...porn...i know....but erotica sounds better), figuring out what I want to do with my life....dreading valentines day ..... etc. etc. Now whilst these may seem like frivolous activities to the average Joe, to me it sounds really busy and err...ahem... fun.

But right now, it is kinda working out fine as:

(1) I had to drop everything to show them around
(2) I tirelessly answered a lot of their "Is it popular here?" questions with just a hint of sarcasm and foul language
(3) I had to dispense advise to them on relationships (makes me laugh too...... it's like asking Hitler about racial equality)
(4) Restrain myself from coming out to them (cause they seem to be really homophobic, and I wouldn't want them to know before the rest of my family...cause they gossip...a lot)
(5) Had to take them out to a lot of places which forced me to drop a lot of activities listen in point (c) in the previous list
(6) Having to give them advise about relationships really makes me feel good about not being straight