You knew this was coming . . .

I promised myself that I wouldn't be cynical and not react to the bigotry of the retarded polygamist Jesus freaks who helped in the successful passing of Proposition 8. Then I realized that I am a very petty and cynical person. So here goes:


Dear People who voted Yes on Proposition 8:

What I do know for a fact is, being aligned with Satan and all since I'm gay, is that when the "end of days" finally comes, your fearless leader, Wassila Wackjob Sarah Palin, is going to sell out your secret location for a double mooseburger. So, be afraid. Be very afraid.

Dear American Media,

Before you pat your own back and paint yourself as a "progressive" nation and all, keep in mind that South Africa had a black President before you did. They also have Gay Marriage. So South Africa has more equality. Uh-oh.

Dear Democrats,

Grow a pair for once in your life do the right thing for the LGBT community. You have the triple crown. Use it for something good before one of you gets a blow job from some fat woman and you hand the world back into the hands of the people who want to make out with Joe the Plumber in airport washrooms. (Ugggh).

Dear Rest of the world,

Get a fucking life and try to concentrate on your own elections. Geez.

Bringing you news which no one else does

Although by now we all are familiar with Proposition 8 and our stand on it, there are other lesser known propositions on the ballot which do not garner the same attention.

Proposition No, Hoff, No - This proposition makes it illegal for David Hasselhoff to appear in public without his shirt ever again.

Proposition 90210 - This proposition prohibits any further remakes of series originally broadcast in the last century.

Proposition Palin - This proposition requires a that a person nominated for the vice president of the United States be at least smarter than a fifth grader.

Proposition Can we talk about something else now - This proposition requires the people of the United States of America to recognize that it should not take two years for an election. It's not that you can't do short elections. American Idol, anyone? A sub-note of this proposition requires certain bloggers to stop making stupid election jokes in their posts and try to do something a little more constructive with their lives.

Proposition Blubber - This proposition requires people around the world to recognize that double chins and fat stomachs are sexy too. It also requires hot, six pack surfer hunks to date at least three fat people per year. In fact, usually, I am very careful about espousing my opinion, however, I put all my weight behind this initiative.

Proposition Shave that mustache, woman - This proposition requires women to keep their facial hair out of public purview cause ewwww. Unless of course you're a bearded lady at a gypsy fair.

Proposition People who wear magic underwear cannot make rules for other people - This proposition recognizes that it's hard to take people seriously when they beleive in the story of the serpent and the poisoned apple. Instead of spending all that money to prevent two guys from doin' it, get some help for your neurological disorder you call a religion. You know the last guy who interpreted the Bible to mean that certain people do not deserve equal rights? He was called Hitler. And we all know how well that turned out.

The one in which we talk like a drunk activist

There is this huge discussion going on in our country about homosexuality.

And by huge discussion mean a 100 word article on page 26 of the newspaper expressing the views of three people.

One of the things that stem from the discussion proves is that homosexuality actually exists in the country. Wow. That's so hard for me to believe. You mean to say there are fagots running up and down giving each other blow jobs in the land of the mahatma?

Sex without trying to make male babies?

Sex for fun?

Really. I am shocked is what I am.

As buddha once said, "Holy Shit, Batman!!!"

But isn't homosexuality illegal in our country? As it is written in the Indian Penal Code? The one authored by the British who illegally occupied our country for a few centuries?

Wait Penal Code? The law banning anal sex is called the penal code? You got to appreciate British humor. After all, it's the land of the spotted dick.

What? That's a fucking food item.

But didn't we throw out the British some sixty one years ago and wrote a new constitution? We did that but we still retained the "penal" code as dictated by the British?

So let me get this straight. We can burn buses, destroy public property because of some stupid movie no one is gonna watch anyway, but because some dipshit in the 19th century was a motherfucking prude, we can't pound each other like the alpha dog pounds his little bitch?

You mean to tell me that The right to lube isn't one of them fundamental rights?

Wow. Gosh darnit. Ten thousand blistering barnacles.

So the Indian government feels that just because a few million people want something, it doesn't justify giving it to them.

Oh wait, where have I heard this before.

Oh yes, that was the same logic Winston Churchill gave to the house of commons when the British army in India violently crushed peaceful protests asking for independence.

You can't argue with such genius logic. You just need to grin and bear it.

(Note: I can sneak in innuendo into anything. I'm like Joey from Friends. Only uglier, fatter and gayer. Oh, and less Italian. In fact the only Italian connection I have is my love for Spagetti and meat-a-balls. Fuck you, that's a food item too you pervert. Yes, I'm talking to you unsung.)

You're right Scotty. We have come a long way. Just because things change, doesn't mean they cannot remain the same.

Oh yes. And we can all believe our government when they say homosexuality is against the order of nature. They promised to protect our cities from those evil doers and look at the wonderful job they have done. We're safe from terror as long as we don't step out from our home. Also, don't go to such dangerous places as shopping malls and movie theaters. In fact, our government is the recipient of the first annual George W Bush You're doing heckuva job award. Congratulations. There couldn't have been a clear winner.

My point is that if we expect things to change in the concentration camp we call a country, then we must ask ourselves What are we smoking? And even, somehow, due to some hand of God, even if the law is repealed, people's attitude are not going to change. That is because in our country being open minded is defined by driving a car manufactured in Korea and eating a chicken steak. Most of the people in our country are living the same lives their ancestors lived 50 or 100 years ago. They just have better technology. And by better technology I mean they use a nokia phone.

Anyways the point is that you can never trust the majority to make the right decision. That is so because the majority of people are stupid. They believe anything their priest, politician and reality show contestant tells them. And most of them are born to be followers anyway.

I'm not saying we need to give up fighting for our rights. I'm saying is that we shouldn't expect things to change in a day. We still have a long way to go.

But what we should not forget is that just all of us have a right to be happy. Just because old people who fart in public tell us that something is perverse doesn't mean that it is. Just do whatever and whomever makes you happy. Even if you are into some weird S&M shit.

Which, by the way, if you are into, please call. Thanks.

I promise that this post will eventually end

You know what people lack in this day and age? In fact, something that has been lacking since the dawn of time. Ever since Adam fell in love with Eve's brother, Evan.

A sense of humor.

I don't mean a sense of humor like the ability to crack funny jokes, but the ability to lighten up.

People take themselves way too seriously. The reason there is so much sadness everywhere we turn is because (a) People voluntarily remain sober and (b) Most people let others define who they are.

It's so easy to label someone. And when you do, that someone does his best to live up to that label. Consciously or subconsciously. For example, we somehow have come to the notion that pink is gay. Everything pink is now associated with being gay. Gay rights is called the pink revolution. Wtf, right? Why not magenta? Or coffee brown? Maybe not. Coffee brown sounds too straight.

People also let other people define what is right or wrong. There is this ideal person that everybody wants to be. Someone who by a conscious majority is deemed as an ideal citizen and a moral authority. Someone who always does the so called "right thing" and sacrifices his happiness for others. Personally, I would rather soak my nuts in boiling hot water than sacrifice my happiness for someone who is not me.

Some self-righteous morons have the tendency to define what standards certain people need to uphold to qualify for a particular label. Like if you don't like bollywood or cricket or don't speak your "mother" tongue, you ain't truly Indian. It's like saying that if you prefer to listen to Lupe Fiasco or enjoy a pizza more than you enjoy *insert name of Indian food item* then you might as well go and piss on the memorial of the unknown solider. Personally speaking, I'd rather eat vegetarian food than care about what label other people put on me. And by the by, I only eat vegetarian food when a gun is put to my head. Or if dry humping is involved. It depends on the situation, really.

I am of the opinion that anybody's signoff of "acceptance" on who you are is not required.

I'm not trying to diss anyone, even though I love to do that. Everybody has their own definition of right or wrong and that's how it should be. Like I believe that breakfast is best washed down with a light cocktail. A few might disagree. That does not change my mind.

There is also this irritating habbit that people need to have similar opinions to hang out. There is this notion that people with opposing ideas cannot be friends. I have many friends who completely disagree with my heavily medicated point of view most of the time. But then that doesn't stop me from being good friends with them. And being a good friend I mean not screwing them over for material gain. Well, err... maybe a little. Tee-hee.

Like my brother's beliefs about religion are the complete opposite of mine. But I don't hate him for that. That would be ridiculous. I hate him because even though there is a half-decade age gap between us, the fuck looks younger to me. Grrrrr.

So people need to lighten up and come down from their high horses. People literally jump from their fucking seat to stereotype someone. It's the easiest thing to do. People don't realize that there are always two sides to a coin. My side and the other wrong side.

My Jerry Springr-esque conclusion is that people need to stop marinating in their own pool of self inflicted misery and need to get lighten up. Laugh a little. It's simple and easy. If you find it difficult, please signup for my simple and easy eight-step program.


p.s. I realize that most of my analogies revolve around food, drinks and nuts. But I can't help it can I? I'm fat, alcoholic and gay. So sue me.

The Rated R Rant

Warning: The following blog post is not suitable for people with low tolerance quotient for the f-word and for those who have a weak heart because of language and content. Skip it if you fall in any of the above demographics. For the rest, come let's all get angry together and box a punching bag. And if you still read it and find it offensive, well, pardon my French.
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- People have got to enter rehab for facebook addiction. No, I don't care if you're out shopping for your wedding dress or you just broke your arm. It really would make no difference to my life if you didn't invite me to contests which ask such high-brow questions like which serial killer you think like or what your blond index is. Also, there is a reason I have not contacted you in the past five years, I fucking don't want to. Superpoke this, , bitch.

- I beseech people to stop making the same old fat jokes. Aright. We're fat. We eat. Try to think of something more original, you malnutritioned moron. At least don't insult my intelligence and move your lazy ass to google for some new material. I love to laugh at myself but at least go beyond the "haha!! you will break the chair" or the classic "Do you want to supersize that? Lol." joke. I'm really not amused. The only thing that is supersized is the duration of your stay at the lame-o-rama motel. And the next guy who looks at me when the lift beeps because it is overloaded, as there are more people than it can carry, is going to have to get my shoe surgically removed from his ass.

- I really don't understand how people can talk about stuff they don't know with such authority. If you fucking don't beleive in same-sex marriage, then don't marry someone of the same sex. It's as simple as that. Elementary, my dear homophobe. Or do you want me to spell it out for you, you sanctimonious, righteous, self-loathing, miserable, unhappy, son of a bitch? It's not a fucking disease you moron. You're kids are not going to catch it.

- People have to stop getting so hyper over the iPhone. It's a bleeding phone, dammit. Were you drugged as a child? Is it really that important to you that you stand in line, without any food or water, without using any facilities, from 5 am in the morning, for more than 4 or 5 hours, and then being told that the store is out of stock? Don't you realize that the iPhone is nothing but an iWash and a real iPain in the ass? No offense meant, though.

- People from my old workplace have got to stop calling me and complaining. I mean, if you really feel that you're being screwed and not being recognized for your hard work and shit, then do what I did, RESIGN, motherfuckers. Don't keep crying like a little girl. Even if you are a "little" girl.

- People need to stop doling out free advice. Do I really care what big-loser-with-no-life-and-three-kids thinks about the virtues of marriage? Do you really beleive that I'm going to take someone who has a hairdo which was in vogue in 1925 seriously and heed his career advice? The only people whose advice I care about are the ones who can tell me to go "Do what you want and go fuck off and die" after I consistently don't listen to them and all the people who read this blog (give yourself a big hug, dear reader). Besides them, unless you're asked, please have a nice, warm, hazelnut flavored cup of shut the fuck up. For example, I don't go around telling certain people that they if they have kids it would be a crime against humanity because the kids will be born ugly and dumb and no one deserves that. At least not to their face. I write them letters on a nice piece of stationary. Common courtesy biatch.

So who do YOU want to rant against?