Open Letters: Rated "O" for offensive

Warning: The following post might be offensive to people who love children, dogs, mothers, early morning risers, parents, family members, know-it-alls, women etc. Consider yourself warned. The author of this blog takes no responsibility whatsoever. Well, you already know that, don't you?

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Dear Blogger,

Could you please remove those pictures of those darn kids from my blogger dashboard page. No, I have nothing against children. I sometimes even acknowledge their presence. However, I really don't want to see someone's grown up sperm every time I wish to blog. It really freaks the crap out of me. And I don't freak out easily. Yeah.

which reminds me Dear parents of infants,

You have a child. Well done. Good for you. They cry. They poop. They suck on their mother's tits. Unless baby's first word is the f-bomb, please don't call me with stories you think are funny and cute. Everything a infant does is not worthy of ohmygodyouknowwhatthelittleonehasdonetodayitssocute. And I really don't give a rat's ass. It's that simple, really.

Dear Dog Owners (including my family),

You have a dog. Good for you. They bark. They poop. They smell each others ass. I don't find that cute. Not by a long shot. Thank you. Some of them have that "oh-I-am-so-needy" look going on which reminds me of suppressed straight married (oxymoron) guys. Just keep them out of my room. And my life. Not the straight guys, stupid. Just the dogs.

Dear People who use "." instead of space in their text messages,

Do you see the zero key? For the love of all that is good and pure, please, please, use that to separate your pearls of wisdom. Otherwise.I.Will.Go.Crazy. When you put a "." (referred to as a full stop) after a word, it becomes a sentence. This was perfect when people could only communicate through telegrams. However, advancements in modern technology has provided us with an ability to put spaces between the words we type. Not only is that better, it also does not freak me out. Which is what makes the world go round. No, seriously.

Dear the next person who asks me to buy insurance from their company or get liposuction from their hospital or get their company's credit card,

May a thousand camels feast on your nether regions. May a thousand birds shower your head with their choicest excreta. May your first born be a reality show contestant. May the next muffin you eat be sneezed upon.

Dear people who sit on their high horse and look down upon other mere mortals,

There is no bigger fool than the one who thinks he knows everything. There is also no bigger source of comic relief.

Dear people who love getting up in the morning and are beaming even before their first cup of coffee,

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?? STOP READING THOSE SELF-HELP BOOKS. Life is not all rosy and shit. Jesus frikin Christ. Why can't you wake up groggy and sad like the rest of us. And fyi, it's not called being an optimist, it's called being delusional. Thanks.