The Burden of the Damned

Both of them were sitting in a coffee bar on tables opposite each other. Both of them were pretending to wait for someone else. However, both were alone. Both were damaged. Both were scarred. But they had fought on. They had come out winning, with trumpets blaring.

A third person passed between them. Both admired the beauty of the third. Then they saw each other. And a smile came across both their faces. Though they had never met each other and probably would never meet again, on this night, with the raindrops pouring outside, they felt connected. Connected because of who they were. Connected because of how they were born. They knew. Yes, they knew.

Their story is not new. This could have happened a 100, 500 or a 1000 years ago. Just the place and the surrounding would be different. The admiration would be the same, the loneliness would be the same, and the want to be fulfilled would be the same. The desire to be loved, to have someone bear witness to their ordinary, ordinary lives, would be the same.

People like them had been persecuted by Kings, by Presidents, by Men who supposedly represented God on earth. Stoned to death while hundreds watched. Burnt to ashes, with no one willing to put out the fire. Condemned. To be left alone in the wilderness, never to be heard from again. To be disowned by friends, family and society. To see the people who they loved all their life, turn their backs on them one by one. To be blamed for ruining other people's lives. To have a stigma attached to their name.

Sitting their in the coffee bar, they said nothing to each other. But the silence spoke. The silence that washed over them, the silence that filled the gap between their fingers. The silence that said it all.

As they sat there, talking in silence, they carried the burden within them. Just as people like them had carried it for centuries. The burden of the damned.

Close but no Cigar: The story of Tony & Vic

It’s been a long ride, said Tony to Vic, while getting of the train. Vic was getting married tomorrow and Tony was his best man. He had come to be a part of the festivities.

Vic was one of Tony’s best friends. They joined the same company on the same day, the first job for both of them. That had been five years ago. Since then, they had been an inseparable team. They were a team. The star marketing team of ABXY Inc. They were so good, that they could sell ice to an Eskimo. Their colleagues joked that if one of them was a girl, they would be a married couple. What they didn’t know, is that that was very close to the truth. Close, but no cigar.

“Close but no cigar” said Tony. “What?” Vic asked.

“Nothing”, said Tony. “Just thinking about something”.

“Anything I should know?” asked Vic. Tony just shrugged it off.

There is a lot you need to know. But I can’t tell you. Ever. It’s too late now anyway. Oh! You look so handsome today. God, I wish I could kiss you. Just once.

They reached Vic’s house in a after a few moments of silence. Ahhhh! There was so much to say but nothing was said.

Don’t-ask-where was a small town. A charming, small town. With one post office, and one movie theatre. And one hotel. Which was completely booked for the guests of the wedding. Completely booked for the first time in history.

The preparations for the wedding were in full swing. After all, the sone of the house was getting married. The only son of the house. The only brother of three sisters. The whole town was invited. This was don’t-ask-where’s biggest wedding. It would also be its grandest. Or Vic’s dad thought so.

Everybody was excited to meet Tony. After all, he was the groom’s best friend. The next most important person at the wedding. All the girls were excited to meet the rich guy from the-big-city. They all wanted to seduce the groom’s best friend.

Someone would be seduced, alright.

After an hour of introductions, food and flirting, Vic took Tony to his room. Since there were so many guests, and there was a shortage of rooms, Tony would be shacking up with Vic until the wedding night. Then he would either be given another room in the house, or the hotel.

“I’m so tired”, said Tony while he threw his bags on the table near the window and went to lie down on the bed, throwing his shoes in one corner. “Hope you don’t mind, Vic”, said Tony with a huge grin. “You’ll never learn, asshole” said Vic with another huge grin. Tony blew him a mock-kiss.

Oh!! How I wish I could kiss you. I would die a happy man.

After all, they were a team. Close but no cigar.

So while Tony was catching up on his sleep, Vic was helping with the wedding preparations. He woke up Tony in the evening. “Get Up, sleepy head. You have a function to attend. Duties to perform. Get you ass out of bed.”

Tony woke up and went to take a shower while Vic was shaving his beard off.

Oh!! I wish I could take you right here, right now.

Close but no cigar.

So they got ready and headed outside. The singing and dancing had already started. You could hear the music all over don’t-ask-where.

The party went on into the wee hours of the morning. Like a valley girl would say, Tony and Vic were like sooooooo wasted. Vic’s cousins helped them into their room. The crashed onto the bed.

Before going to sleep, one of them kissed the other.

Close but no cigar.

So the day of thee wedding was there. The biggest wedding don’t-ask-where had ever seen. People were so busy preparing for the wedding, no one thought to wake up the groom and his drunk best friend.

Finally, they woke up in the afternoon. Someone remembered the kiss.

Close but no cigar.

They were to start getting ready in a few hours. After three cups of coffee and two aspirins, the headache was subsiding.

“Good luck man. Hope you have a good, happy married life.” Said Tony to Vic after they reached the venue of the wedding. The don’t-ask-where hotel. The only hotel in don’t-ask-where town.

I wish I was marrying you. Close but no cigar.

Vic was taken to the decked up beautiful stage by the bride’s brothers. After all, he was the guest of honor. Tony was mobbed by the legion of girls from both sides. He was after all, the most eligible bachelor in town at that moment. After all, he was the rich guy from the-big-city. Soon, the bride came and the ceremonies were held. Then the whole wedding party descended upon the dining hall for dinner.

After dinner, it was time for the last ceremony.

Tony watched as Vic, the love of his life, was getting married to someone else. He could barely hold back his tears. He would be out of here after the ceremony. He couldn’t stand to watch Vic start his new life. A life he would not be part of anymore. His heart was broken. He needed to go somewhere to repair it. He had resigned from the company. He would be out of Vic’s life forever. Vic didn’t know yet. How could he tell him? I’m leaving because I love you, I can’t stand to see you. How could he? Vic was straight. Tony had applied to the company in New York and had been accepted. He would be visiting his parents for the next week, and then going staright to New York. He would be out of Vic’s life forever. After the ceremony was over he went over to Vic to say goodbye. He told him that the office had called and something had come up and he was needed there tomorrow. Vic was sad that he had to leave so soon, but he understood.

Goodbye Vic, said Tony to himself.

We will always have that Kiss, thought Tony.

Vic watched as Tony walked away. He watched as he saw the love of his life leave as he started a new phase of his life with someone else. A girl he did not love. A girl he didn’t want to marry. Vic could barely hold back his tears. But how could he have told Tony. He is so straight. Vic had resigned his job. He hadn’t told Tony yet. He would let Tony find out on his own. He couldn’t stand being next to Tony and not be able to kiss him, to feel his body next to his. Alas, that would not be. He had applied to that company in New York and had been accepted. He would join after his honeymoon.

Goodbye, Tony, Vic said to himself.

We will always have that Kiss, thought Vic.

They were a team. The best damn team. If one of them was a girl, they would have been married. Close, but no cigar.

The fallen angel

And there stood Zubin, on the balcony outside his room, reflecting on his world. He saw his family, his house, his surroundings. Everything was glowing. Good vibes were emanating from everything and everyone. There was celebration on everyone’s mind. After all, it was Zubin’s 25^th birthday.

However, no one knew of the turmoil inside of Zubin. The tsunami inside his mind. If only they knew. Would everything still be the same?

He looked at the entrance to his house. Would his sherpa still salute him everytime he comes home from anywhere? Would the domestic help, Govind, still be grateful to him for helping him save his father’s life? If only they knew.

Would his two pets, still come running to him while wagging their tail, happy to see him?

Would his parents still be proud of him? Would his sister, who once had joked that if that was true, she would get sleepless nights, love him like she did for the past twenty five years? If only they knew. Would his two nephews, playing with each other right now, who he loves like his own children, still love and respect him and come to him with their childish demands? If only they knew.

Would his own brother, older, the one who with whom he always stood by through thick and thin, with whom he always acted as the elder, mature one, still help him shop, take care of all his responsibilities, make fun of him, fight for him with the parents? If only they knew.

Would his friends, with whom he shared his first drink, his first smoke, his first joint, the aborted attempt to bed a stripper, still come to him with their problems? If only they knew.

Then Zubin saw his team members from his office, waving at him, who look up to him in every crisis, personal or professional? Would they still respect him in the same way? Would they still talk about him with the same reverence that they do now? Would they still be in awe of him? If only they knew.

Does he stand to lose everything he worked for, everyone he loves, thought Zubin. He didn’t know the answer. There was nothing, nothing he could do about it. He was born this way. He had been fighting this for so long. He had to be true to himself now. He owed it to himself. If this was what fate had in store for him, then so be it. If only they knew.

He had a trillion questions. Would he have to leave his home? Would he have to leave the city so that his parents don’t have to feel ashamed in front of their friends? Would his sister be telling her nephews that they can’t speak to their beloved Zubin Uncle anymore? Would he be nothing more than an object of ridicule at the company he helped build?

He wouldn’t try to answer these questions. Leave them to fate. If only they knew.

If only they knew, that he was gay.

Yes he did not want to marry a beautiful woman and settle down and have those fifteen kids he so often talks about. He would break the promise to his mother of naming his first born after his dad. He would never have his own wife to spoil, as his friends had predicted he would. If only they knew.

He would just always be the fallen angel. Fallen from grace in front of his parents, his siblings, his friends and his co workers.

He’s a freak, they would say, but he would know that isn’t true.

Who would carry on you family name, his dad would ask. I will adopt dad, Zubin would say.

Who would cook for you, his mom would ask. I’d hire a dozen cooks ma, would be Zubin’s response.

Did you ever er…fancy me? , his best friend would ask. No way dude, you’re not my type, Zubin would reply.

But..But you are so normal ….his co-workers would say. All of us are, would be Zubin’s response.

You’re such a girl would be what his brother would say. At least I have the balls to be myself is what Zubin would snap back at him with.

Why Zubin? Why can’t you love a girl? would be the unsaid question on their mind.

He would then turn his back and walk out of the room, walk out of their lives. Forever. Would they miss him? Would they miss his jokes? Would they miss his words, his emotional scrawls on their cards? Would they miss his advice which they always sought when they are stuck with life? Would they miss his way of making you feel that everything is just going to be fine? Would they be ready to sacrifice all that? Just because he was gay?

But he would be fine. God would take care of him. That he knew.