Brothers & Sisters:
Broken Hearts Club:
You can't stop us from watching them people. We're here, we're queer, get used to it.
And there stood Zubin, on the balcony outside his room, reflecting on his world. He saw his family, his house, his surroundings. Everything was glowing. Good vibes were emanating from everything and everyone. There was celebration on everyone’s mind. After all, it was Zubin’s 25th birthday.
However, no one knew of the turmoil inside of Zubin. The tsunami inside his mind. If only they knew. Would everything still be the same?
He looked at the entrance to his house. Would his sherpa still salute him everytime he comes home from anywhere? Would the domestic help, Govind, still be grateful to him for helping him save his father’s life? If only they knew.
Would his two pets, still come running to him while wagging their tail, happy to see him?
Would his parents still be proud of him? Would his sister, who once had joked that if that was true, she would get sleepless nights, love him like she did for the past twenty five years? If only they knew. Would his two nephews, playing with each other right now, who he loves like his own children, still love and respect him and come to him with their childish demands? If only they knew.
Would his own brother, older, the one who with whom he always stood by through thick and thin, with whom he always acted as the elder, mature one, still help him shop, take care of all his responsibilities, make fun of him, fight for him with the parents? If only they knew.
Would his friends, with whom he shared his first drink, his first smoke, his first joint, the aborted attempt to bed a stripper, still come to him with their problems? If only they knew.
Then Zubin saw his team members from his office, waving at him, who look up to him in every crisis, personal or professional? Would they still respect him in the same way? Would they still talk about him with the same reverence that they do now? Would they still be in awe of him? If only they knew.
Does he stand to lose everything he worked for, everyone he loves, thought Zubin. He didn’t know the answer. There was nothing, nothing he could do about it. He was born this way. He had been fighting this for so long. He had to be true to himself now. He owed it to himself. If this was what fate had in store for him, then so be it. If only they knew.
He had a trillion questions. Would he have to leave his home? Would he have to leave the city so that his parents don’t have to feel ashamed in front of their friends? Would his sister be telling her nephews that they can’t speak to their beloved Zubin Uncle anymore? Would he be nothing more than an object of ridicule at the company he helped build?
He wouldn’t try to answer these questions. Leave them to fate. If only they knew.
If only they knew, that he was gay.
Yes he did not want to marry a beautiful woman and settle down and have those fifteen kids he so often talks about. He would break the promise to his mother of naming his first born after his dad. He would never have his own wife to spoil, as his friends had predicted he would. If only they knew.
He would just always be the fallen angel. Fallen from grace in front of his parents, his siblings, his friends and his co workers.
He’s a freak, they would say, but he would know that isn’t true.
Who would carry on you family name, his dad would ask. I will adopt dad, Zubin would say.
Who would cook for you, his mom would ask. I’d hire a dozen cooks ma, would be Zubin’s response.
Did you ever er…fancy me? , his best friend would ask. No way dude, you’re not my type, Zubin would reply.
But..But you are so normal ….his co-workers would say. All of us are, would be Zubin’s response.
You’re such a girl would be what his brother would say. At least I have the balls to be myself is what Zubin would snap back at him with.
Why Zubin? Why can’t you love a girl? would be the unsaid question on their mind.
He would then turn his back and walk out of the room, walk out of their lives. Forever. Would they miss him? Would they miss his jokes? Would they miss his words, his emotional scrawls on their cards? Would they miss his advice which they always sought when they are stuck with life? Would they miss his way of making you feel that everything is just going to be fine? Would they be ready to sacrifice all that? Just because he was gay?
But he would be fine. God would take care of him. That he knew.
I've been in such a state the last few days. This sooo helps. Will my brother help me sneak in my boyfriend? No way hozay!! He'll be too shocked to do that. Funny thing, my brother was giving me a lecture on pre-marital sex when I was sick a few months ago. I told him that (a) It's hypocritical when you give the speech and (b) ha!
I have been up the whole night for the past few days. Been sleeping at 8 or 8.30 am. Waking up at 6.00 pm.
I've suddenly been consumed by the need to listen to old (70s, 80s, 90s) songs. I mean I've been listening to That's the way I Like it, The way we do it, You can't touch this (Nooooo) and Superfreak!! What's wrong with me?
Also, I found two songs of Bow Wow... I Mean Bow FUCKIN Wow which are so apt for my situation right now. (1) Shorty like mine (2) Outta my System ........ I never thought this day would come .... I'm finding common cause with Bow Wow ..... *bangs head on table* Though Chris Brown is sooo hot *bangs head on wall*
My work friend just stole my callback tune. I mean a life-threating accident does not give you the excuse to do that. Just because you have seen the white light you cannot just go around copying people's callback tunes. That's just wrong. Motherfucker. I now have to change mine.
I'm so overwhelmed by the response to this post ........... (and I mean to say that in the most sarcastic British accent possible. Thanks.)
So, there is this girl, who has been in love with me for the past 4 or 5 years. (*Stop pinching yourself*). Let's refer to her as S girl from now on. So here is the story.
S girl and me have been friends since childhood because our dads were best friends. We're about the same age, though one of us is a few months older. So since childhood we became friends because our parents used to meet often and well, playing with each other was better then trying to understand our parents conversation. So we became sorta/pseudo friends. We also used to fight a lot because of our different views of life (mainly because I was rubber and she was glue ...ahem. Yeah).
Anyways, we grew up and reached that age when my parents couldn't force me to tag along everywhere they went. So we used to rarely meet and lost touch.
Then one day, due to some inexplicable reason, our families decided to go for an overnight picnic to someplace to have a family picnic. I had to tag along after being requested/forced/bribed.
So we met and well strangely got along and had some nice conversations. We started somewhere in the day and ended up talking to each other till the next morning.
We had covered a range of subjects (love, life, parents, sex, abortion ....) and she had fallen asleep (in the morning, after breakfast) on my lap (yes, it was a signal...errr..maybe not).
So S girl and me exchanged numbers and became friends again albeit in a more mature sense of the word. We met a few times on our own (our parents knew about it) and she even bought her best friend to see me one day (no, it was a girl, sadly). Anyway, so, she we continued to keep in touch over the phone, meet up a few times, etc.
So then there was this this huge marriage in my family, and due to a combination of having all my friends in nauseating relationships and feeling lonely at a wedding, I kind of convinced myself that I love her and I sort of asked her out. After a few emotional phone calls, we started going out. I found out that this was her first relationship. I already was aware that she was selfish and needy, but I also found out that she was this whiny, needy, overbearing, overpossessive, irritating (all qualities straight guys look for in a wife) girl. So, to save myself from insanity, I broke up with her a few days before the wedding. Feeling lonely was always better than feeling overwhelmingly insane.
So the wedding came and went and as her birthday came up and I wished her through a text message (oooooooooo .....).
So a few days late, I was having dinner with one of my friends and told him the whole story. He told me that I was stupid and that true love only comes once and that I should at least give her a chance etc. etc. So he, having the infinite wisdom of the ages, made me call her and kind of set up a date to meet her the next day. He tagged along.
So after we met her, I was again turned off more by her and he, again in his infinite wisdom, had just the following to tell me "Stay as far away from her as possible!!". And this was not just because she had promised to join salsa classes with him. No siree Bob.
So as I now had conformation, I stayed the fuck away from her.
Over the next month her attitude began to completely change. She used to give me missed calls on my mobile every hour. She started sending me dozens of messages on my mobile. When I did not respond to her calls and messages, she started calling on my landline and after even those attempts failed, she used to try to give me a call from a different number each time. It was so bad that I had to change my number a few times. She used to call my landline under different pretexts or have her friends call and get my new number. I literally stopped giving out my mobile number at all. Six months into this, I told my parents. My Dad didn't beleive me until I showed him the messages she used to send me. I had saved those messages because I wanted to have proof that I wasn't contacting her at all because I feared that she would claim to be the mother of my child one day (seriously, it was THAT bad!!).
The kind of messages that had started to come from her bordered on crazy & psyco. They started from love messages to explicit xxxx messages to really bad wife-killing-husband jokes.
I requested my parents not to say anything to hers because I didn't want a friendship of a few decades to be spoilt by a raging psychopath. But then her parents started to call me to wish me on my birthday, her mom kept asking about me from my mom. However, after a year, all this stopped, though I continued to receive one sided conversation messages from her. I even started using my old number again.
I cut of all contact I had with the whole group of our parents common friends and never used to attend a wedding, dinner or anything of those families.
So, last year, I heard that she was getting married. I was on TOP of the world. Get this, her husband, has the same last name as me, and his first name rhymes with mine. Anyhow, I was just glad that she was getting married.
So, being the idiot I am, I decided to attend her wedding (well, chalk down one to morbid fascination). Besides getting a fuck-you-she's-getting-married look from most of her family, and a you-don't-attend-weddings look from the rest, I went up to the stage to wish her, and she WINKED at me. She fucking winked. My sister saw that. She, advised me to get he fuck out of there before the pheras (the Hindu version of "I Do") lest something dramatic happens.
So the whole long ass blog entry is an explanation for the following. Well, her husband works overseas. I was glad to have a few thousand miles of distance between us. But a few months ago, she came back (apparently some problem with her visa). And her husband's home is a few blocks away from mine. She's now at a distance of 15.45 minutes away from my house. Over the past week, she has been calling me over some pretext or the other. So I have again started ignoring her calls.
So, S girl is back. Uh-oh.
So basically his reply is:
sup ___ . srry for replyin late ... my i/views went really bad ... ______ not very promisin .... u temme?
Now, what do I do? Do I reply at all? To be fair, his i/views did not go very well so maybe he didn't feel like replying. But don't I deserve better .... Now do I continue contact with him (as per my pledge) or just leave it? Remember, he doesn't know that I have feelings for him, to him I'm just a casual friend.
So what should I do? Any suggestions?
So Ryan and I were playing basketball. I, was, of course, winning. And then suddenly, due to a sudden maneuver by me, he scratched his arm. So naturally, we went to my room and I got the antiseptic and the cotton and started to apply that on the wound. We were standing so close to each other that we could smell each other's sweat. When I touched him, there was a certain kind of electricity that passed between us. We glared into each other's eyes and we knew. One thing led to another and before you could say "Hallelujah" we started kissing each other. It started with a small peck on the cheek. Then we found each other's lips and then we let our tongues play with each other. What followed was a moment of pure ecstasy. We could even hear a thousand symphonies playing in the background. We then moved on to the bed. We undressed each other with an earnest eagerness. We made love like it was meant to be. We were hungry for each other and it showed.
And then suddenly, the phone rang and I WOKE UP !!!!
Yes, this was my dream. Fat chance of this ever happening in reality. Even though I hadn't thought about my Ryan the whole day, I woke up to this dream. And this was a dream that I truly felt. It was so..so surreal. I have never been able to recollect most of my dreams but boy ... I remember this one to the last detail.
Though I am now perturbed. Am I still thinking about him subconsciously? Is this a representation of the juxtaposition of my mind? Or is it just a plain and simple projection of a fantasy? Well, for now, I am going to drop all the psychology and just enjoy the thought.
Not that I am not happy (who am I kidding) for the people who have found true love (or something like that), it can get really irritating sometimes. Not that I'm really grumpy like this every valentines day (yes, I am). It's just that I don't want to get reminded of the "International-how-the-fuck-do-you-not-have-a-date" day everywhere I walk in (take the sign off from the KFC; this is not a McDonald's!).
All I want to do right now is get into bed (preferably with someone...but no chance of it happening this soon) and wake up on 15 February. But fat chance of that happening. Though running away is not a solution I ever follow (HA!).
The worst thing is that I gotta take my cousins clubbing tomorrow. Yeah... that sounds like fun.
Did you hear about the mattress tester who was fired? He stayed awake on the job.
..... Speaking of being stupid ..... (that's why I opened with a stupid joke) ...... I did try to contact Ryan again. On the day he was supposed to be interviewed for his Uni, I sent him the following text:
Hey bro ...best of luck with your i/view, it's today isn't it? .... Let me know how it turns out .....
Yes, ladies and gents, I am now officially a stalker ... not literally but I guess to Ryan anyway now. And ..... and this is a very important and ..... I got no reply. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Zer-ooooo. Not even a "hiya, thanks mate" .... or a "it went great ... i love you too ..." . Well I know I am pushing it with the last one, but it would've been nice to be acknowledged.
It's times like these when I fell the need for a gay friend or a straight friend who isn't homophobic.
So I can discuss this with them and they can stop me from shooting myself in the foot and be angry with me and shout at me with a i-told-you speech when I go ahead and do it anyway.
Sometimes I feel like I am in a deserted island. No gay friends. No gay acquaintances. No gay contacts. My only contact with the gay world seems to be this blog which itself only has about 1 reader(s) (besides me.....I am appalled that you would think that...though I don't blame you). This says a lot about my social life right now. All my friends are either busy/married/pissed at me/overseas.
And the worst thing is that I don't even know if anyone's gay or not and how would I approach them. It just sucks.
I do yearn for a gay/non-homophobic friend who I could talk to just about stuff and discuss the whole Ryan thing with them and they would stop me from making such stupid stupid mistakes.
In the end, I followed my own advise (no.. I do NOT suffer from MPD .....although this particular blog entry is written by Zanny B) and deleted Ryan's number from my mobile. Not that it would help much, but I have finally decided not to contact Ryan at all, again. So ..here goes nothing. Again.
I've got family visiting from overseas.
I was really dreading thier visit because:
(a) They would expect me to drop everything and show them around
(b) I would tirelessly have to explain the difference between how things work here and how they work in their home country
(c) They would disturb my really busy schedule i.e. moping around, reading self-help (okay ... self-development... geez) books, trying to figure out what I wanted to do, Eat, reading gay blogs, writing gay blogs, looking at gay erotica (yeah...porn...i know....but erotica sounds better), figuring out what I want to do with my life....dreading valentines day ..... etc. etc. Now whilst these may seem like frivolous activities to the average Joe, to me it sounds really busy and err...ahem... fun.
But right now, it is kinda working out fine as:
(1) I had to drop everything to show them around
(2) I tirelessly answered a lot of their "Is it popular here?" questions with just a hint of sarcasm and foul language
(3) I had to dispense advise to them on relationships (makes me laugh too...... it's like asking Hitler about racial equality)
(4) Restrain myself from coming out to them (cause they seem to be really homophobic, and I wouldn't want them to know before the rest of my family...cause they gossip...a lot)
(5) Had to take them out to a lot of places which forced me to drop a lot of activities listen in point (c) in the previous list
(6) Having to give them advise about relationships really makes me feel good about not being straight